Karen, from Arkansas (submitted August, 2003)

Name: Karen
Home state or country: Arkansas

Doyle and I have been married now for a little over 4 years.  I was a widow with two children, a girl age 12 and a boy age 10, when we met.  Doyle was divorced and had physical custody of his three boys, who were 11, 9, and 8 at the time of our marriage.  My children call Doyle "dad" and I am "Ms. Karen" to his boys.  I have just read the book The Smart Stepfamily and I wish so much that I had found this book at the beginning of our relationship.  It would have saved a lot of heartache. I have made quite a few mistakes with the boys and after reading this book I can see where both Doyle and I have made some wrong choices or decisions. 

Our children are now 17, 16, 15, 13 and 12.  I must say the kids have done well at blending together and have a sibling loyalty towards each other.  That is not to say we didn't have any problems.  With only one girl in the bunch there were some jealousy issues, and not only is she the only girl, she happens to be the oldest.

I have never put their mother down to the boys.  I  have always realized that no matter the circumstances they love their mother very much, as they should.  But, I did try to be the mother that I thought they didn't have in her--and that was a mistake.  Doyle has never once shown any anger or jealousy over my deceased husband when the kids and I are remembering him.  Pictures of their dad are evident in the house.  This was very important to me and the kids and it showed love and wisdom on Doyle's part.

I expected each child to pick up his or her room and I have had problems with getting his boys to do it.  It is a battle and I have tried everything I know to do.  I have yelled, begged, gotten angry, shut the doors to their rooms and tried to ignore the mess, or cleaned it up myself.  I have pleaded with my husband to be the disciplinarian, but to no avail.  It has always seemed to me and my children that the boys get away with a lot.  My husband seems quick to want to punish my two but never says a word to his boys, unless, they make him really mad, which is rare. I end up feeling guilty because I make my children clean their room and am getting to the point where they get away with it more often than they should. There was one instance where the two oldest children, one of mine and one of his, got caught cheating at school.  Doyle was all for punishing my daughter for two weeks at home, along with her punishment she received at school, but his son received only a "father/son" talk and Doyle felt that was enough, that his son knew he had done wrong.  Is that a double standard or what? I upheld the decision to ground my daughter but the son received nothing.

I have wondered several times in the last four years why I ever remarried but I know the answer to that question.  Both Doyle and I are Christians and I have always relied on God to show me the way, His way.  It is very important to me that I follow God's will in everything and I know to the very depths of my heart that to be married to Doyle is God's will.  Doyle is a servent of God and it is very evident in his life. SO, I put the resentment aside and keep trudging on because I do love Doyle, very much.  Knowing that God gave me such a wonderful man to help me raise my children and to love me, melts that resentment away (until the next episode, ha).  It is a viscious cyle.  Doyle will be reading the book next.

After reading this book, I have learned that I must step back because there are things in a stepfamily that a stepparent has no control over and never will.  But, as I step back, I find myself gaining some peace.  That in itself is a victory for me. I am sure that I will still get aggravated at what is allowed that I feel should not be, but I can now handle my feelings in a better way.  I hate that stepfamilies go through such turmoil and battles but I was so relieved to find that we were not the only ones!  All the stories I have read are so deja vu and I no longer feel alone.

We have not had near the problems that I have read or heard other stepfamilies experience.  There have been a few incidents but Doyle's ex-wife does not hound us or exhibit hostility towards me (at least not publicly).  It was hard the first two or three years because I not only had to deal with her I had to deal with her mother as well.  I understood the jealousy on both their parts, but it didn't make it any easier. I am sure she has been angry at me and has blamed me for things and has voiced that to the boys because it is evident in their manner when they come home. I refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens in their lives because she chose to leave that family.  What I do not have a hand in, I will not accept the blame.  I am not the kind of person that likes conflict and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt their mother in any way. If there are anymore instances where she has talked ugly about me to the boys, I am not aware of them.  The boys are good kids and do not want to hurt anyone, not even their stepmom.

I know that what I have written so far is a repeat of what other stepfamilies go through and I almost didn't write anything because of that. I do encourage all stepparents to read the book The Smart Stepfamily and I don't care how far you are into your marriage.  And if you are not in church or following God's will for your life, I encourage you to change that aspect in your lives.