What to Call a Stepparent?

Question: I do have a question for you concerning how the stepchild should address the stepparent.  My son has called his stepfather "Dad" in front of his biological father.  My son was not told to call his stepfather "Dad", but I guess has decided he wants to do so.  His biological father seems very hurt by the whole incident and told my son "I prefer that you not call Michaed, DAD".  I feel that this should be my son's decision to make about what to call his stepfather, but I don't know if that's right or not.  Could you please advise as to what the research is on this problem and your opinion as to how to address it with the child and biological father.  I would appreciate all your help!!

Answer: Ideally, you are correct.  Your son should get to decide what he wants to call his stepdad.  However, his father's feelings will surely impact his decision.  If he now backs away from calling stepdad "Dad", then you should not pressure your son to call him that anyway, nor should your husband (stepdad) have his feelings hurt. To do so creates a "no-win" situation for your son.  His loyalities to his biological father will matter a great deal to him.  Don't put him in a situation where he risks losing approval from his biological father by pressuring him to go ahead with the "dad" label.

Some kids find a way around this.  For example, calling stepdad "Dad" when his biological father is not around and then referring to him as "George" when he's with his biological father.  Taking off the pressure is important.  Say this to your son, "Look, I know this puts you in a tight spot between your Dad and your stepfather.  You may want to call him (i.e., the stepfather) "dad" but it just might hurt your Dad's feelings.  I know this is tough.  Whatever you want to do is okay with us.  The real joy is in your relationship, not the labels."