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Dating Someone with Kids |
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Question: I am 29 years-old and was married and divorced by the age of 24. I didn't have any children with my former spouse, nor do I have any now. My question revolves around someone I am considering dating who is a single parent. I recently joined Neil Clark Warren's e-harmony site. I was matched with a 38 year-old man I have actually met a few times at church, and he lives in my area. We have been communicating for the past week and things seem positive. He is divorced and has a 10 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. The children live with him and the mother is uninvolved. He is very active in church and has a close network of friends. In fact, they were the ones who encouraged him to join the eharmony site.
Anyway, he is attractive and there seems to be compatibility between us. It does not bother me that he has kids, however I don't know if it is wise for me to date someone with children considering the fact that I have never had any myself. I've heard about situations where the woman has kids and marries a man who does not, but I rarely hear about women without children marrying men who do. Actually, my father wound up re-marrying a woman who has never had children, but I was already grown up and out of the house by that time so we never had to live together. But I know one thing.....even though I was out of the house.....it tore me up and it still does at times today that I have to share my Dad with a woman who is not very interested in me... It has been hard enough for me as an adult, (sharing my fathers affections). I can only imagine how bad it would be for a child. There is no doubt that if I did date this guy, she is going to resent me on some level....just as I resent my Dad's wife. I really don't know how the boy would see things, but I do empathize with the girls position.
If this guy decides to pursue me further, do you think it is wise for me to reciprocate considering all the above? I'm definitely interested in him.....we seem to have a lot in common, he's really nice, and he's cute. I just want to choose wisely considering the circumstances.
Answer: I wish more singles and single-parents had your insight to the emotional strains of stepfamily life! You are so "right-on" in your descriptions of the stress children of remarriage face as a stepparent enters their life. In my book I discuss how learning to share a parent is one of the most difficult things for children of remarriage. There is no way around it -- even if you like and want to draw close each child -- you marrying their father is a loss for them.
This does not mean, of course, that you shouldn't date him. It simply means that you must keep your eyes open. Furthermore, if the relationship progresses to marriage, you must realize that there will be adjustments--even in the best of circumstances.
If you haven't read my book, I would highly recommend you doing so now, before you get serious. It will help you stay objective and know what is happening. Also, it will give you some ideas for integrating should the relationship progress.
I can't tell you whether or not to date this man. Staying single or dating only men without children is a viable option--and certainly is an easier route to take. Only you can decide if you're willing to struggle with stepparenting as a price for this man.
Be sure to read these two articles posted on our web page:
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