answered by Betty NcNulty, Certified Faith-based Therapist
Smart Question:
I was wondering if the speaker could address what to do in a situation where one of the adult children is drug addicted, and the spouse is enabling them. My stepdaughter is 30 years old and has been a addict for several years. We have been married for 3 years and I have a 12 year old at home. My husband's daughter is very passive aggressive and demands my husband’s attention on a daily basis. My husband thinks if he keeps doing everything for her he can save her. Ten years later she is still an addict with her addict boyfriend, has lost custody of her children, is at odds with her mother (because of her addiction and stealing from her), and my husband continues to give her money and defend her behavior (stealing, threatening others lying, etc.). It is destroying our relationship, and my husband has started to lie to me about things so I won’t know all of the things he doing. My stepdaughter even told me she is going to make sure she breaks us up, has attempted to break her mother and stepfather up, and caused problems in her father's last relationship. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Smart Answer:
Your story is not at all uncommon; in fact, many people, not just stepfamilies, deal with this same issue every day.
Addiction is a secular word that describes what the Bible calls “idolatry”. An idol is anything we put before God, whether that means we love and cherish it more than God, or trust it for protection more than God (See Isaiah 57:11-13). For example, in the case of your stepdaughter, she trusts her drugs to protect her from all of the emotions that life presents her with...fear, anger, loneliness, sadness, anger, etc. In other words, instead of dealing with life and all the uncomfortable feelings that come with living in a fallen world, she just controls her discomfort by getting high and checking out. In addition to that, she uses other unhealthy behaviors, like the passive aggression you described here, to manipulate others to do what she wants them to do and cooperate with her agenda. This, too, is a common addict behavior; as a matter of fact, it is a common human behavior, but the goal in both sins is the same—to manage life, and other people in our life and to avoid having to feel anything that we might not want to feel. If your stepdaughter can control you, then she doesn’t have to face the discomfort of dealing with all her problems without her father’s help. If she can manipulate him into fixing all her problems, whether those are financial, legal, or otherwise, she won’t have to feel those feelings either.
Unfortunately, what your husband hasn’t yet realized is that his enabling serves only to harm her, as it allows her to stay comfortable in her sin, and it prolongs her opportunity for hitting bottom. The truth is that until the pain of doing things one way (in this case using drugs) exceeds the pain of doing something different (getting help), the addict has no motivation to make a change. Stated another way, until your husband gets out of the way and lets her hit bottom and FEEL the full consequences of her bad choices, she has absolutely no reason to seek help and a solution. The verse that I think says it best is Proverbs 19:18-19 (NIV):
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to his death.
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty;
if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.
Now, let’s talk for a moment about your husband. The reason your husband does what he does is because he, too, doesn’t want to trust God with his feelings. Where his daughter trusts drugs, manipulation, and probably a host of other controlling behaviors to insulate her from her feelings, her dad has his own little idol.
To illustrate it another way, what do you think would happen if all of a sudden he didn’t rescue her by giving her money or bailing her out? He would probably have to feel some of those uncomfortable feelings himself. For one, he would no doubt feel fear and sadness as he watches her destroy herself and others. He might also feel loneliness and more fear when she accuses him of being unloving or abandoning her when she “needs” him. So are you getting the picture that idolatry is really about trying to avoid feelings and emotions?
You also mentioned that he has begun to lie to you. This is just one more very typical addict/idol behavior. You have probably seen this many times in the daughter. But why do you think, in light of what you now know, is the reason your husband has begun to lie to you? The answer is that he is lying to avoid his feelings. He knows that if he were honest and told you the truth about “helping” her, you might be disappointed or even angry at him. And if that happened, my guess is that he would either feel anger or fear, and so to keep from getting anywhere near those emotions he just controls through deception. But like all idolatry, it never really works and things eventually get worse.
Now that we have analyzed both your stepdaughter’s and husband’s behavior, you may ask, “So what can I do about this?” The hard answer is that you cannot control either of them, but are called to love them both unconditionally. This does not mean that you have to (or should) ignore, condone, or enable their sin, but you do have to be willing to let go and get out of God’s way while He carries out His own plan for their lives. The reality is that God absolutely does have a plan in all of this and He will ultimately use it for His glory. Don’t think for a minute that He can’t bring about just the right circumstances to bring them both to their knees and repent. Whether that ever happens remember that He has a plan for you in this circumstance.
You see, loving your stepdaughter and husband would be easier if they were not caught up in their sin; but under the present circumstance, there’s nothing easy about it. But God calls us to love not just when it’s easy, but even (and especially when) it’s not.
"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:32-36 NIV)
Situations that try our patience, kindness, humility, compassion, and faith eventually help us to grow in these areas. Whether you are an aspiring musician, public speaker, or athlete, the way to excel at what you desire is to practice. It is no different when it comes to spiritual things. If I want to love when it’s not easy, I must have situations that challenge me where I would otherwise be weak.
This will not be fun, and isn’t even possible to do in our own power. Nonetheless God seems to have given you the perfect opportunity to grow in your own faith in Him; and rest assured, although it will feel like you are going to die at many points along the way, He will give you the power and hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up. If you will commit to speaking the truth in love about your own feelings to both your stepdaughter and your husband...and that doesn’t mean saying it over and over again, because that, too, is just another version of control...you won’t necessarily “fix” the problem, but you will have much more peace while you wait on the Lord to do whatever He’s going to do in their lives.
Ask God to give you the courage to examine yourself and see what idols you may have been trusting as you entered into this relationship. We usually attract others of the same emotional level. Most of us, if we are honest, can admit to having ignored some “red flags” when we entered into a relationship with an enabler. If we were able to stay in reality, we might be compelled to make a different choice, and in doing so have to face some of those same feelings the addict is trying to avoid like loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, etc.
It becomes easier to tell ourselves little lies like “That won’t be a problem”...”I can fix this person or change them”... or “I can control this problem.” Is it possible that you too have been avoiding feelings, and your idol was denial (self-deception)? If so, take this opportunity to PRACTICE trusting God rather than trusting in your own control, or anything else which holds out the false promise of saving you from the discomfort of living in this difficult situation.
The answer we all want is not the one that God usually gives us, and that’s because He loves us too much to short-change us. If the trials disappear, we have no practice field to “work out our salvation” and we never grow in Him. You may say you want a different “trial” but He knows exactly which one is best for you at any given time. The Word assures us that testing and trails WILL come but we don’t get to choose which ones or when they will come. Even if we could, what different trial would you pick...death of a child, financial difficulties, some kind of dreadful or life threatening disease? Obviously, none of these will ever sound like a better option. So the only right choice today is to put on those running shoes and run the race (Heb. 12:1) so that when you get to the finish line you can hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant; you trusted me in the hard things and now I will show you how much I loved you when I let you run the rugged paths...”
Hold tight, loved one...He is coming!
