Name: Elisabeth
State or Country: USA
I don't know where to
start. And I apologise if the sequence of this seems
a bit of a mess. But
such is the state of my mind right now.
I have probably read
and own almost every book available on blending step
families,
remarriages, step kids, ex wives etc. Still they seem to cater to
people who have been
married before with children. In our case, we've had
children out of wedlock
and in my mind it doesn't amount to the same
thing. So how
do we deal with this? A marriage was blessed by God and
"legal". The
other relationships were not acceptable in the sight of God
and I therefore
believe that ties should be cut in an effort to go forward
in a new life. But
old baggage and ties seem to wear us down that now I'm
almost at the point
of giving up.
In desperation I
looked for something like "help for stepfamilies etc” and
came across this
site. (and have just ordered The Smart Stepfamily)
Ours is what started
out as such an amazing love story that I had begun to
write a book about it
since everyone who heard it encouraged us to. But 2
and 1/2 years into
the marriage now I'm questioning whether this was such a
wonderful miracle
after all, and needless to say, progress with the book is
stuck.
My husband and I have
been married now for 2 and a half years. We both had
2 children each and
now have 1 of our own. To give you more details: I was
married before and
had a daughter. After the divorce, custody went to my
husband with one day
on the weekend to me. My previous marriage was very
ugly and the divorce
case lasted many years with brainwashing of my daughter
and seeing the damage
it was doing to her, I chose to let go and let the
father have custody
though it tore me apart. After much prayer and
consideration I
decided it was the right thing to do to maintain both her
sanity and mine. Many
people advised me as to whether to give up / leave or
not. All
meaning well. It took me a few years to reach my decision, but it
was one made very
prayerfully and after much soul searching and I had peace
with my decision as I
feel it was in the BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILD and not
me.
I eventually left the
country, now seeing my daughter (who is in her teens)
only once a year but
I thank God that we have a wonderful and open
relationship and that
she bears no resentment to me for "leaving" her. I
felt that in doing
this I was giving her a chance of a normal (as normal as
can be) home life (my
ex husband lives with his parents) and a chance to
grow up without being
torn apart emotionally by loyalties. I also
personally think it's
so wrong to shuffle kids back and forth between
parents like pieces
of furniture.
I have a son through
a relationship which ended before I found out I was
pregnant. I had
occasional contact with the father of my son but as we were
not married, we did
not share any custodial rights or anything like that.
He provided for us
financially but very seldom sought to have contact with
my son. I had
and have sole custody and authority. I was/am perfectly fine
with this as I did
not want to go through again, what I went through for my
daughter and did not
want to put my son through the "back and forth"
business.
By a miracle (a story
in itself) I reconnected with my present husband (we
knew each other many
many years ago) and were married almost immediately.
We felt perfectly fit
for each other. He has 2 kids from 2 different
partners as well. But
he has never been married. We had been through many
similar things in the
years apart and believe we were meant to be together.
Which I still do. But
it has become so hard now that I am ready to give up.
I feel now that if I
knew all this before hand, I would have continued as a
single mother without
getting into this. And I do my best to advise any
person I know to
never get involved with a man who has kids unless he is a
widower. And I
so mean that.
My husband is
wonderful. He is the most kind, understanding and loving man
I have met. When
we married, my son was 4 and my husband so naturally took
over as his dad and
today they share a bond that even I don't have. Many
people have no idea
that he isn't "really" his.
He has 2 daughters
from 2 different women whom he was never married to.
While he was single,
these women still controlled him and his time and he
saw his kids every
other weekend. When I first met the girls, they were
very loving to me -
especially the younger one. And I had dreams of a
perfectly blended family.
This changed shortly after we got married. The 2
exes who formerly
hated each other, suddenly became the best of friends, and
made it a point to
gang up against us. They were jealous that he "suddenly"
married me "out
of the blue", when they had had kids together and there was
no sign of any ring. They
were determined to make it break. We lived in a
small town and it
became increasingly difficult for me to even step out of
the house as I was in
fear of bumping into one of the mothers.
As the months went by
I became increasingly depressed and withdrawn and
prayed to the Lord
for a solution and a move - which in time happened.
Praise the Lord. We
moved to a new place 2 hours away and started out a new
life, new friends and
a great church. God has been good.
These women have
tried all they can to still control my husband and our time
together. They
would call and argue or arrange pick up / drop times in the
middle of plans we
had, or change things at the last minute, just to be
difficult. They
have arranged meetings with family counselors to sit with
my husband for hours
where they would "come to an agreement" regarding
visitation and then
not follow it. They have poisoned the girls against us.
They discuss adult
things in front of the girls and call my husband a bad
father etc.
We now have a baby of
our own and I just lost my job and it's increasingly
difficult to survive
as he pays maximum child support to each of these women
(on the grounds that
they live with the mother and don't see him), but he
still does, driving
an hour one way to pick them up (opposite directions).
My husband and I have
a wonderful relationship and I will not be lying when
I say we never fight.
EXCEPT when the girls are involved. Almost every
weekend they are
here, we end up not talking to each other for days. I have
this coldness that
grips me in my gut when I find out they are visiting.
It's this sick
feeling I had when going through the same thing with my
daughter. I
pray constantly, even having "extra" devotions (if possible),
asking the Lord to
infuse me with HIS love for them because I have nothing.
When I look at them I
see their mothers and the havoc they are wreaking on
our marriage. Doesn't
help that the younger one continues to give me side
looks while saying
she will only obey "her" mother and father.
I think they should
stay with their mothers as my husband and them were
never married and
therefore have no "legal" right (and as both have partners
of their own and a
family) and let the girls grow up normally. And when
they are 18, then
they can choose to visit / get to know their father etc.
And yet at the same
time, when I think like this, I feel so wicked.
I am not generally of
this nature at all. I love children and have wanted
to adopt / foster
children when the time and finances are right. But I am
so messed up when it
comes to these 2 girls. How can my husband forsake all
others and cleave to
me when these 2 girls and their mothers will constantly
be in our lives?
My husband sees this
problem too and has stood up many a time to these women
saying that they
cannot control him or his time anymore and that we have a
family and that is
priority. He has even gone to the extent of looking for
a job out of the
country so that we don't have to deal with this.
I don't know where to
turn. We have an excellent church and prayer group
family who are such a
support to us. But no one really who is in this
situation and who
would understand or know what to advise us. WHAT SHOULD
WE DO?
I have cut off ties
with my exes and in my case my daughter lives with her
dad, and my son with
me and there's no shared anything. My kids are very
well adjusted
emotionally - so far Thank the Lord. But I see the mess that
is going on in the
minds of these 2 girls and which will continue if this
set up continues. As
its constantly one parent against the other and
goodness me, this is
so MENTALLY DRAINING.
I don't try to blame
anyone. Almost to the point of being a martyr, I try to
think that this
problem is all about me and that I should be more loving and
accepting etc and etc
and I try and ask the Lord to constantly help me, but
when that weekend
comes along, it seems it is worse than the one before.
I don't know who or
what can help, but it felt better to get this out.
