Sandra, from Virginia (submitted February 3, 2010)
Name: Sandra
Home State or Country: Virginia
Between 1993 and
1995, both my first and my husband's first
marriages were
ending, we were being left due to "never loved, wrong reason,
etc.," that was
probably the hardest and easiest reasons to bear. No,
affairs, no
'invading' in-laws, no money issues but, eventually we
discovered worst,
they had been in an affair with 'each-other'. This was
how my husband and I
met, connected through the hardbreak, and similar
views, so it would
seem, on the marital relationship, which grieving and
passion run 'amok.'
1. the 'blended
nature of the house, children, stepchildren, parents and
stepparents, all
resided in the same home.
2. the children, his
were 2 1/2 to 6 and mine 4 to 8.
3. there was never
any time to gather any 'intel' on the external enemies.
Since 1995, we have
been to court 15 times, countersuit for adultery,
assault, adultery,
visitation, grandparents visitation, battery of
my ex-husband, more
contempt, more visitation, and finally, child-support.
The enemy was hard at
work, distracting us from our 'priority' relationship
and gradually working
on the infrastructure of the children.
4. the children, now
18-25, have their own issues to bear but the marital
relationship is truly
a 'paper' copy only.
5. this list does
include the overwhelming medical problems that my family
faced in these past 6
years, the death of both of my parents, my
husband's medical
conditions, which are now stable Thank God, required three
very difficult
hospitalizations.
There was a period of
three years where a family lived here. I mean joyful
memories, traditions
that were established, the very essence of what my
husband and I had
expected when marriage blessed with children. I made
sure to keep scrap
books because, through the very rough and rugged road of
contempt led to
healing that my children and the stepparents would be able
to reflect on that
family.
As I read through
your book, found some sections very helpful regarding our
situation, they
helped me see my own areas of failure and how I have failed my husband and
children. Making decisions that were not mine to make, trying
too hard to keep the
off and on, bad or good relations of my stepson's
mother 'respected.
But, the years of battling have left very deep scars, and
a family divided by
biological boundaries. All the guilt and grief that
would have been in
the beginning are the tools that are tearing the marital
relationship apart.
Forunately, for me
God knew this, the depression of unemployment led me to
seek school to gain
employment & kept me finding an 'escape' route from the
pain. We are in
the process of attending counseling through church.
Although, I am
ashamed that I allowed my husband's short sighting to elicit
a volcanic eruption,
it just overshadowed the primary issue. And he has had
to re-evaluate a lot
of past ten years to come to terms to his contribution to
the marital
condition.
My purpose was to ask
if there is a workbook to rebuild, with a godly
perspective that
could not be misunderstood, a marriage that was the
