Finding Healing for Stepparents and Stepchildren

Monica—

A great many families fall prey to the same process that yours has. First, the stepparent tries to win a child’s heart. In this case, your husband hoped his efforts would earn him respect and admiration from your daughter. Her guardedness and distance, though, led him to feel rejected (children usually take much longer to “come around” than adults think they will). In defeat, he withdrew from her; over time this led to—as you put it—“he barely acknowledges her when she does come around.” Children often view such withdrawal as petty self-pity, which of course, does nothing to improve their respect of the stepparent. What results is a continual backing away from each other. Needless to say, their avoidance of one another and the issues between them causes you (the biological parent) much heartache.

Before I say more about healing, let me commend your husband for his initial efforts. If he was like most stepparents, he really threw himself into the job of winning her heart, but her distance threw water on his fire. But that’s where expectations play a part—he likely (and perhaps you as well) expected too much of your daughter. Kids needs lots of time to warm up to stepparents, plus, his expectation that she wouldn’t bring up her biological father was very misguided. Your husband needs to understand attachment in children and their insatiable loyalty to biological parents—even “dead-beat” parents (read this article). It’s just going to happen. In fact, loyalty probably gets stronger and children more defensive when they perceive their stepparents throwing pity-parties. Over the years, I can see why they have grown so distant.

So, the question is, what now? How do they heal?

Of course, no two people are alike so the specific answer for how your daughter and husband heal is not something I can address in a brief post. Nor can I predict how long “repair” will take. I do know a humble heart within each will be necessary first step to begin the process. I would encourage each of them to acknowledge openly to the other their part of the relationship breakdown, and then ask for forgiveness. As long as each is waiting for the other to “fix it”, healing won’t happen.

In addition, both will have to forgive the other. This, too, is difficult depending on how many offenses each has experienced at the hands of the other, but without it, they will never get to repair the relationship which is ultimately what the family needs. And without repair, neither will grow to trust the other.

One more thing: both your daughter and husband need an increased confidence that they are safe in the other’s presence. This will not happen if you are triangled in the middle. Don’t speak for the other or try to cross-communicate on their behalf. This “bridging the gap” strategy gives the impression that it will help them connect, but it has the opposite impact—it paradoxically keeps them a part. Get out of the middle and make them deal with each other. Only then can they begin to heal.

Finally, consider going to a family therapist. They’ve spent many years moving a part and there will be many deep emotions to process through on the way to healing. I suggest you find someone who can help guide you through this labyrinth of hurt feelings (reference this article).

Prayers.

Ron