Differences Between Children

Answered by Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D.

This question is often asked by a parent in a first family about siblings, and by a stepparent about stepsiblings. Children are unique individuals from the day they are born, interacting with their environments (and the people in those environments). Although we tend to think of parenting as something we "do" to children (a unidirectional model of influence), in fact, parenting is a bi-directional model of influence, meaning there is action and reaction going both ways. It makes sense then that each parent-child relationship has its own characteristics. Viewing parenting in this way explains why it is very difficult to interact with all children in one family exactly the same way. Differences are to be expected. The difficulty is that children become very astute at comparing and picking up on differences. They communicate these differences as "preferences" or "better or worse" treatment, or "you love her more," rather than as simply different relationships. They also are generally not capable of acknowledging or even understanding the part that they play in the relationship and in your behaviors.

With sibling relationships, comparisons should be addressed by the parent with reassurances that one child is not loved more than the other, but that each one is loved "differently." In stepfamilies, responses are more complicated. In most cases a parent does have stronger emotional attachment and love for his or her biological child than the stepchild. It is okay to admit this to yourself. Step relationships take time to develop and love relationships don't always develop between a stepparent and a stepchild; don't allow yourself to be pushed into comparing a child with a stepchild. For example, a response to a stepchild's accusation (or question) might be, "I have a different relationship with every member of this family. I don't compare them. Every member of this family is cared for, respected, and valued. We have family rules and values that apply to every person in this family."

So yes, you may be more attached to your biological child than your stepchild, and yes, different children's behaviors may elicit different responses from you. That said, there is still much that an adult can do to promote fairness and to give children (both biological and stepchildren) feelings of being cared for and valued.

Check that your "labels" for the children don't drive your responses and exaggerate qualities. In many families, there appears to be a "good kid" (who works to please parents) and a "bad kid" who is more spirited and tends to push the limits. Over time, labels (created either consciously or subconsciously by parents) set up a cycle of expected behaviors. We find validation for those expectations and express the label to the child in some form, which, in turn, sets up the child to live up to the label. "You're so lazy," "You forget everything--you have no sense of responsibility," and "You stay in trouble" become self-fulfilling prophecies. Also, when these attributions develop, it is highly likely that parents don't see or don't focus on behaviors to the contrary. One technique for counteracting this phenomenon when a negative cycle is established is to consciously verbalize the response, "That's not like you" and then label the child into what you want her to be: "You're a thoughtful person; it's not like you to walk into your sister's room and take a sweater without asking." It is much more likely that the child will begin to live up to the positive labels.

Notice positive behavior. Sometimes children establish patterns of negative behavior because this behavior gets attention--and negative attention is better than no attention. "Catch them being good" is a guideline in parenting the early years and should be a parenting tool throughout development. Research tells us that increasing the amount of positive interactions decreases the amount of negative interactions in a relationship (this is true in marriages as well). Make a point of spending more one-on-one time with your stepchild in positive activities. You may begin to see more balance in the children's behaviors and your responses to them.

Establish family rules and be consistent in enforcing them. It is much better to have a plan for behavior management than to think of consequences on the spot when misbehavior occurs. This is an especially useful approach for new stepfamilies, since stepparents should ease into a disciplinarian role with stepchildren. Enforcing "rules of the house" the way that a babysitter or other caregiver would is recommended for stepparents. Rules and consequences can be established with children's input. Following through then can be matter-of-fact. Consistency is the key to fairness among children in the household: similar responses to similar behaviors. If one has more consequences than the other, it will be understood that this is a result of their choices, not differences in your feelings for them.

Taken from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers.  Used with permission.

Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor and Extension Specialist for Children, Youth, & Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama.