A Biological Parent's Rejection

My daughter's father won't call her or pick her up for his weekend visit. When she asks why she can't see her dad, what is the best thing to say?

Watching your child suffer rejection from an uninvolved and uninterested parent is heart breaking. I've observed that a parent who promises time together and then repeatedly breaks the promise can be even harder on children. Their hopes are raised, only to be dashed on the rocks of disappointment again and again.

Jennifer's father, Roger, lived across the state from her and her stepfamily. He had remarried and had a new son. Roger's new marriage and stepfamily, together with a growing career, took a lot of his time. However, his guilt in not making time to be with his daughter led him to (with good intentions) promise her special weekend visits that never happened.

As Jennifer entered adolescence she gave constant attention to the horizon, that is, to wondering if her daddy would finally keep his promises. She became increasingly oppositional toward her stepfather and mother and unmotivated in school. Though previously a good student, her grades were failing fast and so was her mother's tolerance of her behavior. A complicating issue was Roger's subtle invitation for Jennifer to come live with him in a couple years. He conveniently blamed his ex-wife for Jennifer's trouble in school and implied everything would be better when they could finally be together. This kept father and daughter sharing a shallow intimacy brought about by the fantasy of empty promises.

Eventually Jennifer began to ask why her father didn't care to be with her. Her increasing age and cognitive abilities gave her a new ability to see through the empty promises her father had repeated numerous times. When she finally admitted her father's deception, she sank into depression and self-blame. Her mother asked what she should say to help Jennifer.

I reminded her mother that no explanation would take away the pain. Parents cannot take away a child's grief; they can only help them cope with reality. I suggested that it was okay for this mother to share her anger toward Roger, but that she should then turn any conversations toward Jennifer and her feelings. In response to Jennifer's statement, "It's like Dad thinks paying child support is enough," her mother might say, "This is extremely hard for you, huh? It feels like your father just doesn't really care. My heart is so sad for you. Tell me more about how you're feeling." Such a response communicates an understanding of her pain and validates her experience. Jennifer's mother should not openly criticize Roger ("he is a selfish man") or make excuses for him ("he's just so busy at work"). Focusing on Jennifer's feelings and helping her to develop a plan for how she will relate to her father is the best approach.

Finally, for those with younger children, a neutral explanation of why a parent is uninvolved works best. "Sometimes moms and dads do things because they don't feel good or because they are confused about what is important. [Now turn the focus back to the child's feelings] You seem to be feeling hurt over this. Tell me about it."

Finally, I promise you that this will feel grossly inadequate.  And it is.  You cannot get rid of the pain, but you can hug the hurt.  Reinforce your love for them with affection and stability, and hold them when they cry.

Taken from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers.  Used with permission.