Relationships With Adult Stepchildren

Stepparents coming into a family with grown children can help develop positive relationships with adult children by keeping a few points in mind.

First, there is a wide variety of stepparent-stepchild relationships ranging from "almost identical to mom or dad" to "not at all like mom or dad" and everything in between. New stepparents to adult stepchildren need to remember that these young people are far beyond the age when they are available for more parents. However, they can still enjoy a warm, supportive relationship with mom or dad's new partner.

Begin by simply noticing what the young person finds meaningful or interesting in life. You do not need to like it yourself to appreciate that it is important to them. You can do a lot for a smooth beginning by accepting them as they are. A word of caution here: the family already has a long history that you cannot change. If you are noticing things that seem strange or uncomfortable for you, speak to your partner about them. Try to understand how it got to be this way. The better you and your partner can communicate about these aspects of family life, the easier it will be for you to compassionately accept the family idiosyncrasies. If things are very strained between your partner and his or her children, you will not be able to fix it. Sometimes just being a "fair witness" to what is going on can be a valuable contribution and can make you a safe person for family members to get close to. However, getting hooked into trying to get the family to change is a good way to alienate everyone.

Second, families go on forever. You have all the time you need to establish warm relationships. If the stepchildren are college age and not terribly interested in family, this is natural. Be patient. Once grandbabies are on the scene, a whole new family life cycle will begin.

Third, you may find yourself developing stronger ties with young stepgrandchildren than with their parents. In other words, the grandchildren may consider you Granny or Gramps while their parents don't consider you a parent. This may feel a bit awkward but it makes perfect sense. Young children are wide open to attachment with adults. Providing your relationship with them is warm and responsive, the young children will include you in their grandparent category. This provides another way to connect with adult stepchildren. Your support of them as young parents will bring you all closer together.

Taken from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers.  Used with permission.

Susan J. Gamache, Ph.D., R. Psych. is an individual, marital, and family therapist in private practice in Vancouver, British Columbia. She is author of "Building Your Stepfamily: A Blueprint for Success" and a board member of the Stepfamily Association of America.