Anger and Unresolved Emotions

Anger and unresolved emotions from the previous marital break-up often lead ex-spouses to criticize each other in an effort to gain loyalty from their children or seek revenge for perceived inequalities during the marriage. In addition, the biological mother in question is probably feeling threatened by the stepmother's presence. Biological parents need reminding that children will always be loyal to them (unless they cut off contact). Bad-mouthing a stepmother is unnecessary. Children can respect and obey a stepmother--even care for her deeply--and it won't ever change the strong bond they have with a biological parent.

To help alleviate this mother's misguided fear, the stepmother and husband should each communicate to his ex-wife their desire to cooperate and not hinder the children's relationship with their mother. The stepmother, in particular, should say in a phone call or email, "I want you to know that your relationship with Beth and Amy is critical to them. Please understand that I will never try to replace you or hinder your relationship with them. In fact, I'm wondering what you would like me to do to help them feel more in touch with you. Do you have any ideas? From this day forward, my commitment to you and the children is to encourage their love and respect. If there is anything I can do differently please let me know." This may or may not impact the mother's criticism. But the hope is that this message will help her to feel less threatened and, therefore, has less need to be negative about the stepmother.

Do what you can to be Christ to anyone in the other home--even if he or she is extremely negative. You may not be able to effect any practical change in an ex-spouse, but don't be guilty of not trying.

Taken from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers.  Used with permission.