What?You didn’t know there were any rules for maintaining parental unity.Well there are!And they are important!You were never meant to parent alone.That’s why God gave families two parents, instead of one.But a divided parenting team will falter frequently.
These rules will help you work together and keep you on the same side as a parental team.Remember, united you stand, divided you fall.
·Rule #1:Be proactive.Before situations arise, try to talk about and anticipate boundary setting, expectations for behavior, limits you will enforce, your preferred modes of punishment, and the values you want to teach your children.Couples who get blind-sided by situations inadvertently find themselves on opposites more often than those who get out in front of parenting matters.You can’t anticipate everything, but being proactive will reduce the size of your blind-spots.
·Rule #2:When in doubt, call a parental “pow-wow.”At my house (Ron), our children will occasionally hear the words, “I don’t know.I’ll get back to you on that.”My wife and I then have what we call a “pow-wow” or meeting to discuss our decision or how we will handle a situation.This is not a statement of incapability.You may have functioned quite well for many years as a single dad and are quite capable of making decisions and moving on with life.This isn’t about that.It’s about finding unity.Even if it’s inconvenient, go the extra mile to ensure shared agreement in parenting matters.You won’t regret it.
If your children object saying, “You never had to ask anyone before” don’t back away from the process.“That’s true.Before I married your stepmother I didn’t have to consider anyone else.But she’s my wife and I need to include her in this.Now don’t ask again.I’ll get back to you once we’ve talked.”
·Rule #3:If you don’t appreciate how something was handled by the stepparent, call a private pow-wow to discuss it.Biological parents, the biggest mistake you can make in this situation is commenting negatively about your spouse in front of the kids or reversing their decision behind their back.Either of those responses under cuts his/her authority and power (which is already a delicate matter to begin with).Instead, first listen to their explanation (if you’ve heard from the children already, they may not have filled in all the details!).If you still wish the situation were handled differently, acknowledge their good intentions: “I appreciate that you were trying to teach Rebecca a lesson.I can see what you were trying to accomplish.”Then, calmly share your thoughts about the situation.This isn’t a competition.It’s about finding a shared position you can both support.Finally, negotiate what will happen “next time.”
·Rule #4:Communicate major changes in rules or expectations side-by-side.Standing as a united front communicates solidarity.Suppose one of your pow-wows has resulted in a rule change.If you are still in the early years of your family it’s likely best that the biological parent take the lead in sharing the change with your spouse (stepparent) standing right beside you.The stepparent can certainly add to the conversation but you want your stance to clearly communicate your agreement with the change.
“Alright gang, I know for many years I’ve not required you to help with cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, but were going to make some changes.From now on, if you don’t help prepare the meal plan to stay until the dishes are washed or put away and the counters are clean.I know this is a big change so we’re going to give you some graceful reminders over the next few days, but plan on learning the new system.”
If your children toss a guilt-trip objection your way saying, “You’re only making this change because he/she [the stepparent] wants you to,” stand your ground.“You are a smart kid.Yep, she initiated this discussion, but we wouldn’t be making the change unless I agreed to it.Now let’s get on with it.”
I THINK THIS IS GREAT INFO. I AM A STEP MOM & MY HUSBAND & I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THESE THINGS. STILL, I FIND IT A REAL CHALLENGE WHEN 'DAD' DOESN'T STEP UP TO THESE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, SO TO SPEAK. DO YOU FIND CUSTODIAL DADS ARE MORE CHALLENGED TO ACT ON THESE 'NEW IDEAS'?
I WANT TO ENCOURAGE CUSTODIAL DADS TO TAKE THIS STUFF SERIOUSLY. STEP MOMS - NEW WIVES - ARE APT TO APPRECIATE YOU'RE LEADERSHIP, I THINK, B'CAUSE I BELIEVE MOMS ARE OFTEN THE EMOTIONAL BACKBONE OF FAMILIES AND WHEN DADS DON'T LEAD THE WAY, IT SOMETIMES SEEMS LIKE AN INSURMOUNTABLE CHALLENGE. DONT' BE AFRAID TO TRY SOMETHING NEW!
#2: by Sabrina Justison on 09.03.2008 @ 06:44am CDT
My husband and I regularly use the "let me get back to you," response with the kids. My kids (all teenagers) needed to adjust to the idea that their stepdad and I would make decisions together in a different way than they were used to, and I intentionally chose to delay answers on issues even when I was already 99% sure Fred and I would agree on them, just to help the kids get accustomed to the new authority structure.
For example, Fred and I had agreed that in general having friends over at our house on weekend nights was not a problem, but for the first few months when the kids would ask "Can So-and-So hang out tonight and watch a movie?" I'd say, "Let me run it past Fred and we'll get back to you shortly." I would call him at work privately and just make sure it wasn't a problem. He would usually laugh and say, "You know I don't care who comes over!" but I wanted him to see that I valued his feelings because it affects him too, when extra kids are in the house. In addition, it set the standard for the kids, and they became used to waiting for me to talk to my husband, but then usually getting the answer they expected and wanted anyway.
That took the dread out of "Let me run it past Fred...." so they didn't assume that my delay meant trouble for them. When I do have to come back with a "No," answer, they are open to accepting why we are turning them down, and they aren't tempted to blame their disappointment on their stepdad -- they're used to Fred often saying "yes" in agreement with me, so they assume that our "no" is also in agreement.
#3: by JOJO on 09.03.2008 @ 07:39am CDT
I agree on the struggle custodial parents have laying down the law w/in a new stepfamily. Perhaps running a tighter ship scares them off especially when its initiated by the "new parent" in the house. On the flip side; as a single mom for years, I found it difficult to release control also. Step parents need to tread lightly as the Smart Stepfamily book advises, at least until unity is established and some cohesion exists between the couple.
#4: by JOJO on 09.03.2008 @ 07:46am CDT
One more comment: I hear quite a bit from my own kids and my step kids "why can't you just say its ok, why do you have to ask Dad?" My response...I can make the decision on my own, however, I want to make sure I am on the same page as your Dad. This assured them I can make my own decisions, but it is better to be on the same page w/the other parent, in case they have something going on that I am not aware of. He was satisfied w/my answer and I didn't lose face because I didn't make the decision on my own and I showed that the other parent's input is important and not to be taken for granted.
#5: by Lanai on 09.03.2008 @ 08:59am CDT
My husband and I insisted on the united front we got married two and a half years ago. We have 4 kids together, ages 11, 14, 15, 16, who live with us full time, so we are both in the position of being the custodial and step parents all the time. One of the reasons I insist on discussing things with my husband is that he is the head of the household, and the kids know he has the final say, though we are generally in agreement. They may not always like it, but we are trying to teach them along Biblical principals how things should be in their own homes at some point.
#6: by Cindy on 09.18.2008 @ 05:04pm CDT
Wow, no responses from anyone where this is NOT being done? Well, here I am. I'm a stepmom with no kids of my own, in a very dysfunctional and rapidly disintegrating home. My husband and I have been married for 5 years - you'd think this would be enough time to get this kind of thing worked out, right? Nope.
He relinquished planning, organization, discipline, dealing with his ex-wife, etc. - in other words, "taking the lead" - to me when we first got married. I was eager to be accepted and do things for/with my husband and stepkids. So I jumped right in. My husband seemed only too happy to let someone else worry about this stuff - that's how his first marriage was (she called ALL the shots), so I guess he was used to it and it felt "comfortable." Problems:
1) After a while, my husband did NOT feel so comfortable letting me take the lead and make so many decisions. First, it's a different dynamic: I'm not the biological mother, so there's a different, darker kind of pushback from the kids when it's ME telling them yes or no, or assigning a chore. Second, he never WAS happy letting his ex-wife control everything when they were married (she still controls far too much, and they've been divorced for 8 years). He buried LOTS of anger about this deep down - and surprise, surprise, it comes up NOW, aimed squarely at me, after we've been doing this routine for quite some time.
2) Once the ex-wife figured out the balance of power in our house - and right around when she and her boyfriend broke up - she started making a passive-aggressive stink about my role. She has clearly felt threatened by me (it's been noticed and remarked on by others), and she's accused me of "competing" with her. Now, she has successfully indoctrinated the kids that I'm NOT an authority figure in their lives. This has been underscored by my angry, acting-out husband, sometimes as bluntly as "Kids, you don't have to listen to what Cindy says." He has said numerous times in the last year, "I'M in charge here!" The only time my husband and I go behind closed doors to privately discuss a parenting issue is when I beg him to - and it's usually after I've already been reduced to tears.
3) I was diagnosed with infertility about 3 years ago. I'm dealing with the emotional pain of that, and it only intensifies my desire to be engaged as a parent, and not be brushed to the sidelines. But I've literally had my role/rights as a parent revoked by my husband AND his ex-wife, who are both angry, bitter and threatened. I feel I should have some say in what happens under my roof, and in how to raise the kids that I've ALREADY been raising with my husband for 6 years. I'm not perfect, but many times I've shown good judgment, wisdom and just plain common sense on issues when my husband has shown none of the above.
4) The atmosphere in our home is terrible now, and my relationship with my stepkids has changed dramatically. It was never perfect (and, again, I readily admit that I'm not either), but the kids and I had a genuinely good relationship before they started getting loud and clear messages to disrespect me. They see their father acting emotionally immature, saying and doing horrible things to me - but their loyalty is with him, so they've turned their negative feelings squarely on me too. And their mother has been bad-mouthing me for months, but she's an expert passive-aggressive who couches nasty criticism in sugary language, or behind "I'm trying to help" BS.
I really, really wish my husband were mature and secure enough to commit to the kind of parental unity discussed in this article. That's the way it should be. But he (and his ex-wife) have been discrediting me to the kids for so long, I think it's hopeless.
#7: by marie on 09.22.2008 @ 09:17pm CDT
I am in the same boat as you! My husband lets his kids walk all over him and myself. Dad is Disneyland Dad with $ flowing out of his pockets to BUY thier love and attention. I am ready to give up! The ex-wife (44 going on 21) underminds everything I do and has actually got my husband thinking I am too strict! His kids don't need rules and boundaries, they need me to get off thier backs. Our counselor has actually told him that he is making monsters out of them but he refuses to beleive it! He thinks the counselor is biased against his kids and taking my side on things! I don't really know why I am still in the 2 yr marriage... I am hanging onto a very thin piece of thread hoping GOD will have his way with our family, but it just hasn't happened yet! HOPE! That is dwindling quickly!
#8: by Colleen on 10.02.2008 @ 08:52am CDT
I've been married 3 1/3 years. Things aren't perfect in our home either, before I married my husband, his 3 girls literally ran him ragged. They never listened, and rarely ever went to sleep before midnight when they came to visit him.
It was really obvious to me why they did that, because my husband isn't very good with discipline. However, I stepped back completely from discipline when we married, because we studied the Smart Step-Family book. I think because I did that he's learning, and the kids are getting better. It's really cool that this is NOT happening because I told him what to do or because I criticized him. What's happening in our home is that my husband is allowing God to change him.
I've learned that things get done in GOD'S time, not my time. See, if I step out, God can step in, and change the situation. For those who are hurting, if you want to stop the pain, try to get some distance from the situation, step away from parenting and just be a friend to your stepkids, and let God take over. Your spouses will figure out what to do, and you'll be much happier.
#9: by Mike on 10.02.2008 @ 08:56am CDT
WOW...I read through all the responses and I really feel for Marie and Cindy. I have the opposite scenario as I married a woman who had been a single mom for 15 years before we started dating. We have been married for 2 years and live in my home with her two children 18 and 20. She has carried a lot of guilt and practiced a permissive, tired parent role. What I hear over and over again is "Rules without relationships equal rebellion". Her emphasis is on me developing relationships with her children...trust me the list of attempts is long. They have no respect for me or our home which leaves me feel like the mortgage payer. (It is a really big, really nice home in a really nice neighborhood). They have no interest in a relationship with me, at least not until they develop one with their estranged alcoholic, dead beat dad.
It sounds pretty gloomy doesn't it? I have questioned my decision to marry this really wonderful woman who has really aweful behaving children. Here are some of the coping mechanisms that are making a difference:
First - pray, I mean really commit to praying about changes in your attitude, your spouses and the children...don't surrender but ask for God's wisdom and guidance...He won't let you down, have Faith.
Second - Accept the short term fact that you are the outsider but you have resolve and the kids have a lack of maturity. They will mature and if you are living right and are God centered it will work out. It takes an average of 7 years to get their trust.
Third - Read. Read a lot, this website, books...learn as much about this stuff as you can...you maybe exhausted and have little will left but try making your pasture greener instead of contemplating greener pastures...that is too easy and will leave you with even more hopelessness.
Fourth - Did I mention prayer? Try doing it with your spouse...silently perhaps at first, then more sharing....its biblical and all who do know the difference.
I hope this has been helpful..trust me I struggle too. It is like the sea, rough sometimes and smooth in others but ihave seen a change over time and I really believe shutting down is not the answer.
Try also searching this sight for Ron's letter on "Enduring"...Also get involved with you local church and its blended family ministry..you need support.
#10: by Susan on 10.02.2008 @ 09:21am CDT
Marie and Cindy--It sounds so painful to be where you are right now. You're both clearly very committed to loving your stepchildren and being responsible, caring parents as well as supportive spouses. Both of you sound as though you've put lots of loving care into the decisions you make as step-parents, and that's something to be proud of. It sounds like you're living in a tug-of-war with the children in the middle.
I've been there. My faith tells me that God calls us to one task: becoming more like Christ. My experience tells me that nobody wins in a tug-of-war, we have to drop the rope and end the game. That means not arguing, not trying to persuade, not getting visibly angry and letting anger control our decisions. It doesn't mean we leave the marriage and family; it means we stop, step back, and stand on our personal mission from God, our task of becoming more like Christ.
Jesus was no push-over, but he also knew when to quit an argument that was not about finding truth, but was really about gaining power. Jesus' mission was living God's truth, not gaining power over Pharisees or Romans or even the disciples. You get to decide what that means for you on a daily basis. Does it mean naming disrespect directed at you, without arguing about it? Does it mean measuring our behaviour against God's standards rather than the children's or the ex's? Does it mean trusting that God has you here for a reason, to learn something to bring you closer to Christ, no matter how little respect you get from people (including your spouse)or how horrible the situation feels?
Nobody could ever accuse you two of taking the parenting and marriage tasks lightly--you are both passionate about doing what's right by the children. You're not quitters, and you love your flawed, human husbands. Let yourselves off the hook, drop the rope, and focus on bringing your own spirit in line with Christ's. Get your balance back and your feet under you, and trust God to take care of your spouses and step-children for a while. They've got their own learning to do.
I've been where you are. Some days we are still there--and I look down, surprised, and see that stupid tug-of-war rope in my hands again. But I'm learning. In NO way do I judge either of you--you're honest women with a lot of guts. We're all in this together, and I'm praying for you and hope you pray for me.
#11: by Mary C on 10.02.2008 @ 10:34am CDT
I was so glad to find out that I am not alone. I too am a step parent with no children of my own. I have practically raised my niece and I substitute teach history/social studies in public high school.
My husband and I have very different views on parenting. My husband was raised in an environment with very little supervision. His parents are divorced and he still carries the scars of it. Of course, I am always the heavy. I was raised with boundaries. It is frustrating for me when I perceive that my husband is taking a very naive approach to things. Don't get me wrong my husband is a great guy and good father but he and his ex-wife (who also bad mouthed me to her children and puts a spin on everything I say to her children)are trying to be their children's best friend. There are never any severe consequences for bad behavior. The best example I can give you is that my youngest step son lives with us and he doesn't speak to me (not even a good morning or hello most of the time) and when he does he is either plain disrespectful or filled with anger. I am criticized for not trying to initiate conversation but when I have, the boys tell my husband that they don't want to be bothered by "casual" gibberish. Oh yeah, did I tell you that there is always a reason for the lack of communication or bad behavior? Either it is a result of the trauma of the divorce, or they are uncomfortable or had a bad day or they are just teenagers.... I could go on and on. If I don't initiate conversation, I am just not trying hard enough. We have been married for 3 years and nothing has changed. The majority if not all of our disagreements stem from the lack of respect that his children have for me in my own home. We have been to counseling with the younger child (17 yrs old now) and the counselor was all about how everyone can make the child feel better. This child is a manipulative angry person who if he doesn't get his way will go to no ends to make everyone miserable. (he threatened to kill himself on the eve of our wedding so he wouldn't have to attend - and his mother let him stay home - he did the same thing before her wedding but we made him attend.) I now defer all parenting decisions to my husband. Sometimes, I offer advice on the situation but I have to be careful because I am seen as critical of either my spouse or his children - I mean how could I have such a bad opinion of his children. Now, I feel grateful that in 10 months (but who is counting?) the youngest will be heading off to college. Unfortunately, both of these children are lazy and self centered.
I feel sorry that the world will be the place that will teach them about life. AsBCQD8N
#12: by Dorothy C on 10.02.2008 @ 02:36pm CDT
I am in the same boat as Marie and Cindy and Mary. My own situation mirror's Cindy's so closely, I had to read her post twice to make sure I didn't write it.
I have 2 step kids and no kids of my own. We have been married for a little over 2 years. We discussed parenting and my role prior to marriage, but my husband dislikes confrontation. As a result, the kids run the house. The youngest is failing school but there are no consequences for her. The lack of respect in my house is so thick you could cut it with a knife. The oldest is somewhat better, but to be honest, I have a feeling that when he leaves for basic training in December, I will be more relaxed in my own home. It is a sad situation.
I am open to correspondene with anyone who has suggestions on how to handle the situation, other than banging my head against the washing machine in frustration.
#13: by Mary C on 10.02.2008 @ 06:32pm CDT
Dorothy, I just want you to know you are not alone. My husband dislikes conflict too and so I really understand your frustration. My oldest step son is at college and things are somewhat better when he visits "home". With maturity, comes growth! Boot camp will shake up your step son's life. Hopefully he will learn responsibility for his actions....at my home no one wants to be the bad guy so consequences are minimum. Unfortunately for my step children, their father will bail them out whenever their is an unpleasant situation and not enforce any punishment of his own.
I don't know how old your other step child is but for me I just decided to lay low until both children were out of the house. I only had 20 months. I know it sounds like an eternity but really it is not. I have made a point of having dinner with my friends once a week...which means that this is a great time for my husband and his son to bond. I also, plan other activities without the rest of the family. I have found that by doing this, it minimizes the situation...in other words, it becomes a smaller part of my day and I fill my day with things that are positive and good for me.
#14: by Melanie on 12.26.2008 @ 05:59am CST
This all sounds very daunting! I'm a single mom of three boys(18,15,9). I've been separated and divorced since 2004 and have parented alone seeing as my ex doesn't take responsibility for the kids and I really want to eventually find a partner and am worried about these horror stories. I've taken some classes about parenting and I've worked professionally with children for over 10 years. I have met this wonderful guy who doesn't have any kids of his own and would like to have children with me. I would love to get married and have more children but am afraid that I could be stepping on a time bomb. My ex has another child and things seem fine when they visit their father every other weekend. I haven't really seen any problems with them not accepting the new family over there. Should I be concerned about starting over and adding new children to the mix with this great guy? What should I be looking out for? I really could use some advice in this.
#15: by Ron Deal on 12.26.2008 @ 03:11pm CST
Hi Melanie--
Of course, no one knows whether you should be "concerned" but I would certainly encourage you and your boyfriend to be educated about both the rewards and challenges of stepfamily living so you can make an informed choice about moving forward. I would suggest you: 1) pray for God's direction at each phase; 2) start by reading this bank of articles: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/39. Then, 3) read these do-it-yourself premarital tips http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/456. All of that will give you a running start!
God bless,
Ron
#16: by Amanda on 01.02.2009 @ 02:39pm CST
I am re-married, the mother of two boys, 11 & 14, and the step mother to a four year old girl who is with us every other weekend and every Wednesday. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband except when it comes to my step daughter. She likes to have daddy wrapped around her finger and demands his full attention at all hours. With her mother and grandparents she is the center of the universe. I don't mind that she wants her daddy's attention and love, I love it that he's an attentive dad. What is hard for me is his need to satisfy her every need, to run to her when she yells DADDY! come here now! even if he was spending time with me. I don't like her getting away with a lot of things my boys would never get away with. She yells at daddy, she's mean to the boys (who now ignore her and this makes her angry) she'll ignore me or growl at me if she thinks daddy won't say anything, but whats funny is that when she's only with me she is very good, obedient and loving. When daddy come around, she goes back to misbehaving or being demanding. When I try to correct her in front of my husband he gets touchy. When I ignore her My husband feels like she's not welcome. She has her good days when she likes me a lot and won't leave my side and she has her bad days when she won't even say hi to me and cries and whines all weekend. I wish I could turn my face and not get involved but I can't be a mother and ignore those behaviors. There are times when I can't hold it in anymore and need to bring it up. This is when hubby and I argue. By not being able to talk about the situation to my husband makes me feel like we are creating a gap in our relationship. It's like I'm saying I don't care (and I do). We have a whole life time ahead of us and I think it's going to be rocky. From what I read, there is no easy step family situations. I like to listen to Dr Laura who says "Don't get re-married until the kids are out of the house!" I use to think she was too harsh but now see the truth in it. I don't regret re-marring at all but feel that all the extra tension is not healthy for the kids or for the new relationship. I don't know, it may just be worth while to wait. I do agree that prayer is the first and most important thing. I pray God would change my attitude and give me patience. I also pray that my husband would not be afraid to correct her, even if it is 50 times a day, and not worry that she will no longer want to come to our house because of it. I do thank God for my husbands patience and love for all of us. We have come to an agreement that we do need counseling to learn how to communicate better and not be so defensive when it comes to our children.
In His name,
Amanda
