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Cohabitation and a New Dad? |
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Smart Question
Hello my name is C. I’ve been divorce for 8 months. My ex-husband left in March of 07. I started a new relationship two months after my ex left. I’ve been with my current partner for one year and two months. We’ve being living together for 10 months. I have 3 boys ages 6, 4, and 2. My partner has been married twice. He has three children, two from his first ex-wife and one from his second ex-wife ages 10, 8, and 3.
My children love this man and they let him know each and everyday how much they care for him and appreciate him. My ex-husband is not in their daily life but every other weekend on Sundays for two hours. The reason why I feel confused is because I don’t know if it will be okay if my children call him dad? Should I let them know they have a father and that my partner is not their father but a friend, a step dad? I don’t want my children to get hurt. They went thru a lot after my divorce.
What should I do? ....Am I making a big deal out of this?
Thank you,
C.
Smart Answer
C.--
I appreciate your concern for your children. There are a number of issues at play here, not just "what name should the children call their stepfather?" Here are a few thoughts for you to consider:
- Generally speaking I recommend letting children decide what they will call their stepparents and family members. If they want to call him "dad" that is okay. Here's an article to help you understand more about this: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/427
- Make sure that you tell your children the truth throughout their lifetime about their biological father and your previous marriage. Because your children are so young (especially the 2 year-old) they could be easily confused about who is father. They will need to hear the truth from you again and again throughout their childhood. Be honest.
- If I understand your situation correctly, you are currently cohabiting and not married. Ironically that is likely the biggest potential source of pain for your children, not what term they use to refer to your boyfriend. Cohabitation is very confusing for children. Let me explain.
One of the basic challenges of stepfamily life is trying to figure out how family members fit together. This is undoubtedly even more confusing for children when there isn't a marriage to create a solid bond in the home. Cohabiting couples have a high break-up rate and if they later marry, a higher divorce rate. They also have a higher child-abuse rate (in part because live-in partners are not as committed to the well-being of the children as married stepparents).
You are not doing your kids any favors by living in limbo. Your children have already bonded with your boyfriend (that's why they want to call him "dad"). Because you have not given them a permanent future, you are setting them up for heartache later on if you don't stay together. My suggestion: get married or don't, but if you want to do the best thing for your children, don't live together. By the way, this recommendation is not just coming from a holiness point of view; please know that social science is on my side as well. Read this article: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/376
Blessings,
Ron L. Deal, President
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#1: by Keith Fussell on 08.01.2008 @ 11:12pm CDT
Ron - Excellent answer to this person's question. I know of no other more commonly held myth in our society than "living together will help prepare us for marriage." As you stated so well, nothing could be further from the truth scientifically speaking. And nothing could be further from the truth according to Scripture. Every week in therapy I hear at last once that our premarital sexual life seemed to ruin our marital sex life.
Keith Fussell, LMFT, LPC |
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#2: by Stephanie on 08.04.2008 @ 10:11am CDT
No Cohabitation ... PERIOD! It is VERY confusing for the kids. It sounds like this lady wasn't even divorced before the cohabitation began. Until she is married to the man, the children should call him by his first name or a nickname. They do have a real dad and she needs to let them know that they do, no matter what he has done to her or them...
I'm married to a man who was previously married and has 2 sons. My husband and I dated nearly 3 years before we got married and we definitely didn't live together. In fact, I'm proud to say that we didn't have sex until we were married. We met at church and I always said I was going to wait until marriage and I did. The boys were very happy when we finally got married. We didn't rush things like getting married, for their welfare. They call me by my first name and that is fine. Now their mother on the other hand has moved in and out of different men's houses taking the children along with her. The police being called to the houses on several occasions for incidents involving her and her man at the time. First it was her moving them in with the men and now she has bought a house and she has the men move in with her. The boys don't need to see that lifestyle. They saw with their dad and me that we didn't sleep in the same bed or even live in the same house. I didn't 'sleep over' and they knew that. Their dad always made it clear to them that living together without being married was not what God wants. And God definitely doesn't want 2 unmarried people 'sleeping' in the same bed. They see this with their mom and her live-in boyfriend(s). She has custody. I know this will effect the way these boys grow up and the type of men they will become. We pray that they won't think it's natural to move in with various women or have them move in with them. My husband and I pray that they will see what the right way is, God's way! Right now, she has caused problems between the boys and their dad to the point that they don't want to visit him. The mother is so jealous of my husband and I because we are happy and doing well. God has truly blessed us!!! She doesn't like the fact that I was close to the boys, they love my mom and would call her 'MAW', by their chosing. I believe she thought that when they got a divorce that my husband would be miserable. He's happy so she wants to do what she can to make him miserable. We keep praying that God will watch over the boys, keep them safe and hopefully the boys will remember what they have been taught because we always took them to church and their mother doesn't go. We pray that they will see through their mother and one day, they will know the truth.
In my opinion, based on personal experience, it is all about the parents being selfish. They should put their children first, if they really love them, not their own selfish needs for cohabitation. |
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#3: by Kevin McGill on 08.04.2008 @ 10:17pm CDT
To Ron and Keith, you had great advise in this situation. I've counseled enough couples who do not understand that living together causes problems for all concerned. The biggest problem is that; if the relationship should end, then the boys will be even more confused, and a little less trusting when someone comes into "C's" life. Selfishness may not be the root problem here. It could be just fear of being alone, and perhaps not grieving the divorce from her ex-spouse. There's no need to pass judgement. I'm praying for you and your boys "C". |
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