June 2008
I can remember this moment so clearly that it could have happened only an hour ago. As I stood at the top of the stairs in my new home with my new husband, I listened to the screams. The screams of a nine-year-old girl who simply refused to listen to anything her father (my husband) had to say. Every suggestion was met with resistance.
"Put you shoes on," he voiced.
No!" she screamed.
Where's your uniform?" he asked.
I don't know," she stubbornly blurted out.
He made several more attempts. Another morning and yet another struggle to get her off to school. After several weeks and months of this behavior, I actually had a pivotal moment at the top of the stairs. I debated whether to go in and try to help, but I had done that before and it only escalated the situation. But my pivotal thought was, "I understand why stepparents leave. I understand why divorce the second time around is so common. I actually thought about divorce. Not for me. Not for Dan. But I had a newfound empathy for those that had gone down that road.
Here I was a reasonably mature Christian woman. I was the independent type that wanted to delay marriage and children until after I finished college and was making a good living in the corporate world. And I did just that. I met my husband at the ripe age of forty. We courted for one year and we were engaged for another before we married. Now I stood at the top of the stairs and could clearly empathize with all the stepparents who had left marriages because of unruly children.
One of my biggest goals in life, besides being independent, was to have a marriage that was truly relevant and sincere and lasting. Divorce had already affected my parents and sister and I just didn't want to have to experience that personally. I wanted a new legacy. Although, the horrible thought of divorce did rear its ugly head on the top of the stairs, I also knew I had to make it work. I loved my husband. I was trying to love his children. Just as I had tackled problems in the corporate world, I decided I would have to tackle this too and somehow I knew it would be all right.
I'll be honest; there have been many tears, several bouts of anger, ugly moments and nights full of regret and pain. And there's been much time in prayer and pleading to God. I'm seven years into this journey and although the journey's still happening, I can clearly tell you that there is tremendous hope for a positive outcome.
The most important idea I want to convey is simply this: After the marriage actually happens and you move in with your husband and live together as a couple and head of the household, one or more or all of the kids may turn on you - The Stepparent. You have become The Enemy and they may be trying to literally take you out.
In our case, the oldest daughter was nine years old and the youngest daughter was seven. The oldest daughter, who I will refer to as Lori, is the strong willed child depicted in Dr. James Dobson Book "The Strong Willed Child." She has very strong opinions about what she likes and dislikes. And if you're on her list of dislikes - Beware.
For the first two years of our marriage Lori completely ignored me. She wouldn't say hello, good-bye, please or thank you. She wouldn't look at me. She refused to listen to me. She walked by me like I didn't exist. She constantly gave me dirty looks and made funny faces at me. She turned her younger sister against me.
This may seem like just childish behavior and pranks, but believe me, when it's aimed at you…..day after day….week after week…year after year…it is heart breaking. It's hard not to take it out on your own spouse. The child's biological parent that you willingly married.
Her younger sister, Mindy, was very sweet and loving by nature. She was accepting and very attached to me. Mindy hugged me and gave me kisses. She listened to what I had to say. She was sweet and compliant. She simply adored me. I loved that girl like my own.
Lori managed to turn Mindy on me for approximately six to nine months. So now I had two young girls that didn't listen to me, ignored me, were very rude and disrespectful to me and just generally made me feel like I was the outsider and didn't belong in what they thought was their home.
It was so bad that Lori got a hold of our wedding album and attempted to destroy a photo. Thankfully, we discovered this before any true damage was done. But can you imagine being a new bride, in her new marriage, in her new home and to discover that your wedding album, which you just received from the very expensive photographer, has been tampered with.
I felt very unloved and rejected. I'm sure you are wondering why I married into this mess, but here's the very big secret that most stepparents don't know. Before the wedding you are on a pedestal. These girls fought over who was going to sit with me. They used to call me, "Miss Cynthia." They wanted to dress like me. Do their make-up (that's pretend make-up) like me. They noticed everything. They knew what kind of food I liked. How I liked to dress. What I liked to do. They adored my dog Simba and they got on the phone when their Daddy called me and begged me to come over for dinner. They wanted me to tuck them into bed and they wanted hugs and kisses. They listened to me. They let me bath them and brush their hair. They were simply adorable and they adored me. Mindy even got a Barbie doll with red hair just like "Miss Cynthia."
So can you imagine getting married and coming home from the Honeymoon and pretty much overnight both of these girls are complete enemies and I'm the one they hate. I felt devastated. I felt rejected. I felt abandoned. I felt completely overwhelmed and I wondered, how would I survive the next ten or so years and still remained married and sane.
As I had resolved other problems in life I began to tackle this one too. I sought God and resources. My husband and I sought counseling and it helped a bit. Then we had Lori in counseling. In order to do that we had to involve her Mom who was less then supportive about counseling. She didn't think her daughter was a problem so the entire process backfired. I read several books and gained some insights. I searched the Internet and gained some valuable resources. But through it all, I have found the best resource is seeking God in our personal situations and talking about everything with your spouse.
Without getting into a lot of drama about the day-to-day routine of progress, I want to give you some highlights from the stepparents view on how to handle the blend.
The very first thing I want to convey is the most pivotal and important. I've already described my sense of being shell-shocked after the marriage. After you are legally married and living in your home with your spouse as a married couple, expect that one or two or all the kids will reject and turn on you. If you are the rare stepparent that doesn't encounter this, then I believe you are the exception. No matter how nice you are or positive or genuinely caring and loving you may be rejected. Since I tend to be a people pleaser and peacekeeper this was devastating to me. And even though I had glimpses of Lori's temperament before the marriage, it escalated completely when we married and I moved into our home.
Point 1—Adjust Your Expectations: There are many changes that are happening to everyone in the family. Whatever images you have of the "Super Stepparent" you want to be, just turn the dial to neutral for a while. And I mean it could take a few weeks, months or even years.
Point 2—Involve Your Spouse: In the beginning of the marriage your spouse needs to know pretty much everything. My husband and I would talk daily about the kid's attitudes and our interactions. I will be forever thankful that my husband really listened to me. He wanted to understand. He didn't take the attitude that "I was the problem." He provided me with feedback on how to handle situations. My husband actually coached me on how to parent his children. And I listened. This is key. The biological parent must back up the stepparent and be the communicator in the home until firm boundaries are established. I will honestly tell you that if my husband had not listened to me and coached me. If he had not interceded for me on behalf of mostly his strong willed child, it is possible we would have ended up another very sad divorce statistic.
He also went to his kids and talked with them and set firm rules and guidelines on what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior. For every biological parent, please listen to your spouse. Most stepparents are feeling lost and uncertain. Remember the stepparent has to learn more personalities, which includes the spouse and kids. The spouse and kids generally just have to learn one personality. I know there are a wide variety of family circumstances, but in my case, I had to learn to live with my husband and two young girls. They just had to learn to live with me. So there can be a lot more pressure on the stepparent.
One huge caution to the stepparent…..Be sensitive to your spouse. There is a natural reaction that parents have to defend and protect their kids. Often, their kids are not acting out in front of them. They save that for you - the Stepparent. The biological parent may not be seeing all of the behavior from the kids.
My advice is to simply let your spouse know that there's something you need to discuss about whichever child it may be. Ask them when would be a good time and try to respect that. Of coarse, the exception to this is if something has happened that requires immediate discipline. When you do discuss the issue try to keep it fairly brief. Let your spouse soak it all in and give your spouse time to reflect. It's best to let the spouse take the lead for discipline problems. There may be times when your spouse wants to let something go that you feel should be addressed. Unless it's something blatant like being cursed at or hit or some property has been damaged in the home then the stepparent must back down. I have been humbled on several occasions. It's not fun, but I backed down for the sake of our marriage.
Point 3—Avoid Resentments Toward The Kids By Envisioning Doing This For God: It's so easy to become resentful when you are driving the kids to school or functions and they completely ignore you or refuse to thank you. Or you give them a gift and they totally reject it. When this happens on a daily basis, which turns into weeks, which turns into months and in my case years it's very hard not to take it personally and resent it.
In my case I had to take the kids to school and in most cases my husband picked them up. Because his oldest daughter treated me so poorly and the biological mother was behind much of this, I drew a boundary and made it clear that any extra activities would be on them - the biological parents. When I would take the kids to school I would often times pray for them both, but especially for the strong willed girl. By setting boundaries I empowered myself without causing problems in our marriage. This is only one example of many I could use.
To avoid resentment pray for that child. Envision doing that thing for Jesus and for your spouse and marriage. Set clear boundaries so you don't feel overwhelmed and taken advantage of.
Point 4—Relate to Each Child Individually: Each relationship will be different. One may accept you and the other one reject you, which was my situation. Or all the kids may reject you, which was my case for almost one year. In an ideal situation, all the kids will accept you and the transition will be swift and easy. You are the most blessed stepparent of all. Let me say this clearly to encourage all stepparents. Even if you get resistance from one or more kids, in most cases you will be accepted eventually. So hang in there.
I used to try to relate to Lori and Mindy the same way. But they are two very different personalities with opposite temperaments. I wised up quickly as I'm sure most of you biological parents already know. I could easily make a suggestion to Mindy to clean up her room. Within half hour it was done pretty much to my standards. I could make the same suggestion to Lori and one day later the room looked exactly the same. Nothing was done. Lori needs very specific and firm directions given in a demanding and commanding way or she simply doesn't hear you Mindy takes the suggestion and instantly knows what to do. Lori is very cool and distant and not given to hugs and kisses. Mindy would be offended and feel rejected if you didn't give her tender touches.
Stepparents give yourself permission to experience each child differently and the kids who warm up to you and accept you are the bonus. Should one of the kids never really warm up to you it's okay. It's not your fault. You did your best. Treat that child more like a teacher and student relationship and get on with life. Be polite. Continue to include that kid but don't take it personally if there is never a real bond. Life's not perfect. Just continue to show love and love the spouse and try to be inclusive.
Point 5—Handling the Ex spouse: One last topic is the ex spouse. In the beginning I communicated with her about gifts, holidays and schedules. Once again, before we were married the ex spouse was fine. But after our marriage I believe she saw me as some kind of a threat. I'm not sure where her insecurities stemmed from but there was a clear change.
She tried to stir up trouble between my husband and I. She tried to allude to secrets she kept about my husband that I would eventually find out about. She talked poorly about my husband and I. She criticized our every move. She criticized our home, our ways of discipline, our joint celebrations etc. After approximately three or so years of her bad mouthing and Lori's rebellious behavior towards her father and I, I gave up on trying to get along with the ex spouse. I stopped attending most games and other functions. I stopped planning joint functions for the kids. I stopped riding with my husband to drop off or pick up the kids. I stopped answering the phone when she called thanks to caller i.d. When the ex spouse picked up the kids at our home I had them ready and at the door with their belongings and quickly had them run out to meet their mom while I quickly waved a bye and shut the door.
In other words, I shut her out of my life. She had actually tried to turn me on my own husband. I knew whose team I was on and it was clearly not her team. You may think these tactics a little harsh but with the kind of person I had to deal with it was necessary. When I stopped allowing her to be a part of my life it stopped some of the problems my husband and I experienced.
First of all, we shut down her opportunity to get between us. Dan became the only point of contact and she didn't want to talk to him. Conversations were less often and brief. The drop offs, which used to take a half hour, went down to less than five minutes. Things greatly improved. As a woman I intuitively saw what she was doing. She was trying to interfere in our marriage. I can remember many times telling her that she needed to discuss this or that with Dan. That it was between the two of them. She refused to listen and kept trying to get me to influence my husband about different things. So I had no choice. I felt like I married Dan. I didn't marry the ex spouse or the kids. Although I had agreed to help raise the kids, I didn't need to communicate to their mom unless it was an emergency. Stepparents save yourself and your marriage. Let the biological parent do the communicating. If you are one of the stepparents that can get along with the ex spouse and it doesn't interfere with your own home life and marriage then continue. But I believe that most of us are not in that situation.
Final Thoughts
So, where am I now? I have two beautiful stepdaughters. Lori always says hello and goodbye. Most of the time she says please and thank you. She generally does her chores within a reasonable time frame. She never ignores me. She doesn't give me a lot of attitude. She generally acts pretty decent. We are still not as close as Mindy and I. Mindy and I hug easily and share girlish conversations. We discuss fashion and trends. We exchange tips on healthy eating. We have a fun time shopping. We groom our pets together. And generally, have a real mother and daughter relationship.
The blended family is not easy. It takes time to find the right mixes of parenting and relating to each other. There are good and bad days, as any family encounters. There are some special challenges with discipline and ex spouses. However, with God by our side, much prayer and intercession, a supportive spouse, Godly counsel, excellent books and resources, much patience, clear communication and boundaries and discipline, time and energy I believe that each of us can find our special place in the stepfamily and create "The Not So Perfect Blend."
Inspirational Scripture Verse: Colossians 3: 12-14 (The Message Bible)
“So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.”
