Your Feedback: Premarital Preparation

1. Many of you commented that you did not have any education or counsel about stepfamily living before marriage, but you sure wish you had.  Sandra said she was “in the dark” about how different stepfamilies were so she started buying books.  Gayle and her husband didn’t seek premarital preparation because they felt they had talked a lot over the 3.5 years they dated.  Married 2.5 years now, however, she does feel like they could have benefited from some counsel/education (especially regarding children). 

Melissa and her husband married with five children less than three months after they met.  They thought it would be easy. “Boy was I wrong! Absolutely dead wrong,” she writes.  They are currently separated but trying to reconcile their marriage.

Dottie attended a stepfamily seminar and read a number of books as well.  They asked for counseling but their pastor didn’t know what to tell them.  She also observed that “incomplete divorce” (when the former marriage isn’t really over) is a common theme in remarriage counseling...and there is such shame in people in the church.

2. Marcia didn’t have counseling, but her pastor asked her to meet with an older couple who helped them see many things.  She concludes, “I think having a mentoring couple is a great idea for couples who are planning to remarry.”
3. C.C. and her husband thought they didn’t have any issues.  Their relationship was good and his children encouraged them to marry.  But once they did, his ex-wife turned their life upside down.  She took them to court multiple times and cost them $50,000.  “We have lived through nightmares upon nightmares. If we had not had our church and our faith, we would not be together now... if only people could understand that no matter how perfect your situation appears, you WILL still have issues, they could prepare and deal with things in a better way.”
4. YES, YES, YES [I wish I had premarital counseling].  The problem is...I don’t know if anyone could have convinced me of all the troubles that lay ahead... I realize my situation is probably as good as it gets in the stepfamily world and yet, I still wouldn’t recommend it to anyone... I feel cheated out of the chance for my own family... There should be a lot more [information available to couples]. 

S.M.

5. MY HUSBAND AND I DID NOT REALLY SEEK MUCH FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP OR EDUCATION ON STEPFAMILIES BEFORE WE MARRIED BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK THAT WE REALIZED IT WOULD BE HARD.  I WISH THAT WE WOULD HAVE BECAUSE NOW 7 AND 1/2 YEARS AFTER WE MARRIED WE ARE SEPERATED.

G.L.

6. Yes we did get counseling but our pastor wasn't familiar or equipped to help with our stepfamily issues. He, like us thought that the family could be handled just like a non-stepfamily.  Boy were we mistaken! But thanks to our Lord, we have learned SOOOO much since those early years and we're still learning. We're still encouraging couples to read your book "The Smart Stepfamily" and to get counseling and join a small group. Thanks for all your help!  Learning that it takes about seven years to "blend" has been one of the most helpful reminders to us and those we help.  It doesn't mean we're doing a poor job, but instead it frees us to keep trying and gives us something to look forward to.  And that's encouraging!  The "microwave vs crockpot" word picture really helped me in parenting expectations.  Your book is filled with so many tools and we've given many copies to those seeking help.

L.S.

7. Bob and Betti remarried 38 years ago! Determination and hope has helped them weather many struggles through the years and even now they feel the results of those struggles many years ago.  They recently discovered the Successful Stepfamilies web site and read The Smart Stepfamily (and wished they had it 38 years ago!).  They summarize:

“The kind of education that would have been most helpful to us would be the following:

·          How to relate to the former in-laws (Bob’s wife died and he and his children were particularly close to her family)

·          How to deal with a 10 year-old that seemed to be always in opposition to everything. We understood his grief at the loss of his mother, but how should we have dealt with it

·         How to parent all six of our children -- 3 we called the "big kids" and 3 we called the "little kids!"

They close by saying, “that we feel that, while we married without resolving many issues that we should have resolved, and while my husband remarried far too soon after the death of his wife, yet our Heavenly Father has never deserted us! We are thankful that we still love each other. And now, in our old age (I am 72; he is 73) we are determined to make our marriage all that it should have been for whatever time we have left!”

8. “The biggest thing that would have helped us would have been clarifying expectations and rules...”

Denise F.

9. Don, a biblical counselor who specializes in premarital training, says that premarital counseling is very important for remarriages/stepcouples.  It’s also helpful for the children (depending on their age).  He also notes that in his experience, pre-remarital couples often know less about their future mate than they did in the first marriage.  Great observation!  We agree.
10. Chris and his wife did seek premarital counseling but it didn’t address stepfamily matters and was basically like first-marriage counseling. 

“As for what else might have been beneficial…

• Attending Ron's Step-family conference prior to marriage would have been helpful.
• Bringing our children into the premarital counseling process would have been very helpful and enlightening (for them and us).
• More "reality-based" counseling/instruction on what we were likely to experience in the formative years would have helped prepare us for that very difficult forming period.

11. Cathy has looked for local resources/counseling but couldn’t find anything.  I suggested they consider “Do-It-Yourself Premarital Preparation” options.  Find more here...
12. Angie and her husband did do premarital preparation in the form of:
    • We attended a workshop by Ron Deal and found it immensely helpful. 
    • We also did pre-marital counseling with the pastor who performed our ceremony. 
    • I read several books on the topic

I think healing before remarriage is the most important thing a person can do for themselves and their children.  I did a Divorce Care class and my husband did a class at his church called Cleansing Streams that helped him deal with his divorce.  I think these things helped me and him make changes that helped the success of our marriage (the remarriage) as well as individually. 

[Listen to the pay-off for Angie and her husband:]  We have been married 3 years now and it has been surprisingly easy compared to either of our prior marriages.  The kids do better than either of us expected, which is not to say that there haven't been bumps in the road, but I think being prepared helped a lot.