Lost Nerve

Question:

I have been married 8 months. My husband has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. The divorce was 6 years ago, and he has sole custody.

Nothing prepared me for the challenges of stepparenting. I have tried to be kind and generous to my stepdaughter, but have been so discouraged by her continued hostility and outright disrespectful behavior on occasion. My husband seems unable or unwilling to discipline her, and she has gone for years without realizing that there are consequences for bad behavior. Recently, I came across an essay she submitted to her class, or more accurately a hate-filled missive, describing me in language that I cannot even repeat. It is scary to believe that a child can have that much hate in her heart. My husband was horrified for a few hours, but as usual seems incapable of setting out ground rules in our home.

I am very frustrated, sad, and disillusioned. This is my second marriage, and I have no children. I want our marriage to work. I realize that his daughter has not had any strong spiritual influence in her life, and unfortunately has not been taught those basic values like kindness, respect for elders etc. I am really praying to God for wisdom, patience, and perseverance. I am encouraged by the testimonies I have read on this site, and have purposed in my heart to do God's will in every situation, believing he can make lemonade out of the lemons in our lives. 

G.

Answer:

G., I hope you have been encouraged.  Continue to be a gentle influence on your husband for without his leadership with his daughter, your circumstances will continue to be challenging.  Pray for a change of heart in your stepdaughter and for your husband to find the nerve he needs to lead from a position of strength.

What do I mean by "nerve"?  I've seen it a million times.  A bio parent who isn't willing to follow-through with discipline or placates the child's anger because they feel sorry for them, or guilty for the past.  Often this pattern of "lost nerve" begins in the single parent years, but it reaps it's ugly outcome in the stepfamily when, again, children are forced into a transition and relationships they didn't ask for.  The child's emotions may be more worn or raw, plus now they have an easy target, the stepparent.  Gina, I hate to say it, but you are an easy target. 

The systematic antidote for your circumstances begins (emphasis on begins) with your husband finding his nerve.  Only then will he not tolerate disrespectful and negative behavior from his child.  Only then will be communicate a strong message of leadership within the home.  Only then will his presence be worthy of respect.  And only then will you begin to see a change in behavior, and ultimately a change heart, toward you.  Pray for your husband to find his nerve. 

RLD