Question:
I have been dating a single mother living on the east coast. She has two girls 11 and 9. I have relied heavily on your newsletters and book which have been invaluable to her and me.
Lyn was divorced from her husband 5 years ago. Lyn and I began our relationship by dating for over a year. Then I was introduced to her daughters Lyndsey and Sonya. Over the next 14 months I spent as much time as possible getting to know them. Since they lived in Maryland I would fly back monthly, we spent our summer vacation together and they took two ten day trips out here to the west coast. In February 2007 we got engaged and are getting married in the next few weeks.
The kids are very accepting of the wedding but yet apprehensive. Lyndsey who is the oldest has been sharing her fears with Lyn over the past 6 months. Sonya who is the youngest is more open about her excitement regarding the wedding. Lyn and I are taking one step at a time, realizing that the girls are in reality going through a lot of different emotions and fears.
The reason why I am writing is related to where we are going to live. Lyn’s ex husband lives in Maryland and the girls see him under a standard visitation agreement – Lyn has sole physical custody and her ex sees the girls every other weekend and 2 weeks during the summer. Lyn and I have been talking about where to live for some time now. Our initial mutual agreement was to live out here. The girls have mixed feelings about this.
To create some consistent and reasonably frequent visitation with their father, our proposal to the ex husband has been a quarterly visitation agreement. The total visitation is similar in days then the current agreement. The ex-husband has asked for 8 weeks during the summer but we believe that would not be workable for the girls. We felt that the quarterly agreement acknowledged the importance of the girls seeing their father and vice versa on a reasonably frequent basis.
What do you think? Is this reasonable?
Your material and counsel have been invaluable to us over the past 2 ˝ years. Thank you for your ministry.
Answer:
I think what you are feeling is reality pains of a cross-country move for the girls. I would suggest you take caution before moving them if staying on the east coast is an option.
Your assumption that a quarterly visitation schedule that matches the number of days they currently have is flawed in my opinion. Don't count time. The issue is frequency. You and Lyn have been dating at a distance—has that been fun or convenient? How would you like to have a marriage that allowed you to see each other quarterly? Think about it. Plus, even if the schedule worked for now, what about the coming years?
Kids the adolescent years typically become more embedded in their social groups and will want to travel away from home less frequently. Their personal schedules increase and they don't want to miss out on social/school/church functions. My experience is that situations like the one you are proposing essentially begin a gradual decrease in contact with their father with each passing year. Not good. In addition, a long-distance arrangement means the kids cannot spontaneously spend time with their father. If you and Lyn go away for a long couple weekend, dad can't enjoy the extra time. Everything has to be planned and requires money. Plus, dad can't attend their piano recitals, soccer games, baptism, etc., etc. Life gets exceedingly complicated at such a distance and to be honest, you and your wife benefit, but dad loses and so do the girls.
The fact that Lyndsey has already begun to feel sadness (loss) is indicative of what I'm talking about. This will likely only increase once the move to the west coast is permanent. I'm not suggesting that she can't "work through it"—hope would beg us to assume she could. The question is whether she'll resent you & the marriage for making her lose touch with her father. Remember, the net effect of all this coming change is loss—loss on top of the many losses she's (they've) already experienced. Don't underestimate how significant this is for children.
The other matter is the resentment it may foster in their father. The more pain he feels, the more comments he makes to the kids, which keeps them in the middle. That increases the odds of them feeling some guilt for enjoying your home (not something you want for sure) and not being more accessible to them (even though they can't control it).
I realize there are lots of other factors I'm not aware of (e.g., financial considerations, job possibilities, whether dad is a jerk and prone to litigation, etc.) so please through this feedback into the mix. I don't expect that moving far away would be an intolerable situation for the girls or their father. But it will undoubtedly bring complications and sadness for years that cannot be fixed.
Finally, don't make your choice based on what the girls can "live with." Decide where they will best "thrive" and go there.
Blessings,
Ron
