The Name Game: Dissecting the Emotional Significance of Names

Question: 

My husband and I got married this last November, but we dated for 3 and ½ years prior to the wedding.  We both had 3-year-olds who are now 6 and 7-years-old.  Recently, my step-daughter started calling me “Mom.”  She also wrote things in her diary about “mommy and daddy are making dinner, mommy is reading,” and so on.  We know about this because she showed the diary to my husband.  A few days later, she took the diary to her mother’s house and let her read it as well.

Well, that led to BIG problems!  My husband’s ex-wife called us, crying and mad because we hadn’t told her anything about it.  We explained we were as shocked as she was, especially since this little girl had struggled with the new family arrangements.  My husband’s ex wants her daughter to use my first name only, but I’d prefer she call me “step-mom” or by some other name.  What complicates matters is that my son has started referring to my husband as “Dad” and now we’re expecting a new baby ourselves!  I guess we’re all uncertain about what’s best for the children.  Do you have any advice?

Answer: 

The Name Game is rather complicated, but here are some key principles that can help you decide how to respond.

• The labels children use are often indicative of the emotional attachment they feel with stepfamily members.  A stepparent who started off being referred to as "Sara, my dad's wife" may become "mom" in a few years. The labels children use are not crucial to family success.  What is important is that children are given the freedom to choose the labels with which they are most comfortable (e.g., don't force them to call a stepparent "mommy" but don't scold them for doing so either). 
• A more affectionate label like "mommy" generally indicates that the child is growing more comfortable and trusting of the stepparent.
• Keep in mind that labels can change with circumstances and as children grow.  A child who just returned from a weekend visitation with dad may refrain from calling his stepfather "dad" for a few days because he is missing his biological father.  Once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns.  (Another example is calling a stepparent "mom" unless the biological mom is physically in the room.  A child may pull back in this situation and refer to the stepparent by their first name so as to not hurt the bio mom's feelings.)
• Very young children (like in this scenario) often use loving terms like "daddy" and "mommy" very quickly, but then may refrain from doing so once they reach adolescence.  Again, the label change is indicative of the child's emotional challenge to decide just how close to hold the stepparent and how to balance loyalties to biological parents. 
• Ideally in this situation, the children would be given permission to use whatever term they are comfortable with for their stepparent.  Ultimately this permission must come from the biological parents.  The biological mom who feels threatened by the stepparent being called "mommy" needs to be reassured that she can never be replaced in the child's heart by the stepmom, no matter what label she carries.  Biological parents have an incomparable God-given bond with their children that cannot be replaced. 
• If a bio parent in one home is unable or unwilling to give a child their "permission" to use a term of endearment for the stepparent in the other home don't make the child feel guilty for not doing so.  In fact, comment on the child's bind, but be respectful of the other home.  Say something like, "Look, I know this puts you in a tight spot between your Dad and your stepfather.  Apparently your dad isn't comfortable with you calling John "dad".  I know this is tough for you.  Whatever you want to do is okay with John and me.  The real joy is in our relationship, not the labels."  

In the end, keep in mind that children have more than enough love for everyone in their life and adults don't need to compete.  Labels are just labels; love in the heart is what counts. 

Here’s a related article you might want to read: What to call a Stepparent 

Blessings,

RLD