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Truths to Consider |
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Compiled by Ron L. Deal
These simple, factual truths are intended to inform your journey helping you to work smarter.
Truths are divided into categories for convenience, but take the time to browse them all.
For a complete list of marriage, family, and stepfamily statistics in America go here.
Stepfamily Living
- Family Identity: Children and adults often define family membership differently. In one study, children and adults were asked to identify people they consider their family. Less than 10% of children failed to mention a biological parent, but 31% did not include a residential stepparent in their family list. They were also more likely to omit stepsiblings from the list (41%). Just 15% of adults, on the other hand, neglected to list stepchildren.
Furstenburg, F.F. (1987), The new extended family. In K. Pasley & M. Ihinger-Tallman (Eds.),
Remarriage and Stepparenting: Current research and theory (p. 42-64) New York: Guilford.
Reported in Susan Stewart, Brave New Stepfamilies, 2007.
- Many stepfamilies are not formed from divorce.
· While 90% of stepfamilies are formed after one or both partners have experienced a divorce, a significant number of stepfamilies are preceded by an out-of-wedlock birth and a subsequent marriage (note: not “remarriage”).
· One-third of children entering stepfamilies did so after birth to an unmarried mother rather than after parental divorce (Bumpass, L. L., Raley, R.K., & Sweet, J.A. (1995). The changing character of stepfamilies: Implications of cohabitation and nonmarital childbearing. Demography, 32, 425-436.). Keep in mind that this data is 25 years old.
· One-third of babies in America are born to an unwed mother; 70% of African-American children are born out of wedlock (Wu, L.L., & Wolfe, B. (2001). Out of wedlock: Causes and consequences of nonmarital fertility. New York: Russell Sage.)
· In an effort to minimize their past, stepfamilies created from nonmarital childbearing may be tempted to not identify themselves as a stepfamily, instead presenting themselves as a “regular family.” Sometimes children are not even told that their stepparent is not their biological parent. Successful Stepfamilies does not recommend this form of family denial. Rather, be honest with who you are and use your past as a teaching tool for your children.
- African-American stepfamilies may adjust to stepfamily living more easily than White or Hispanic families. In general, family boundaries in African-American families are less rigid and more fluid than those of Whites. Throughout US history, black families have included fictive kin, i.e., people with no biological or legal tie to the family who are nevertheless considered family members. Given this cultural history, welcoming and bonding with new stepfamily members may be less intrusive and easier than in White families [from Susan D. S., (2007). Brave new stepfamilies: diverse paths toward stepfamily living. Sage Publications, p. 148].
Co-Parenting
- When the co-parental relationship between ex-spouses has “dissolved” because one biological parent is no longer emotionally involved with the children, the stepparent’s role is generally enhanced. Stepparents find it easier to emotionally bond with stepchildren who are thirsty for another adult in their life. (Custodial parents should not, however, try to alienate their children from the other bio parent in order to make the insertion of a stepparent easier. That only backfires and creates resentment throughout the two homes.)
In contrast, when ex-spouses maintain high-conflict after a breakup, stepparents have more difficulty finding their role, bonding with stepchildren, and feeling part of the parental system. Furthermore, high conflict between co-parents is related to negative child behavior in the home, problems at school, and increased emotional problems.
Taken from Ganong & Coleman, Stepfamily Relationships, 2004.
Marriage
- Not all stepfamilies begin with divorce. For those that do, it’s very important that you break the cycle of divorce and not divorce again. Consider these truths:
· Children whose biological parents have divorced are roughly twice as likely to have their marriage end in divorce compared to their peers from intact families.
· When a host of variables are taken in to consideration (including genetics, socioeconomic, & psychological factors) as to why children of divorce later themselves divorce, the actual divorce of their parents still accounts for 66% of the increased risk (Brian D’Onofrio, Indiana University Bloomington).
· When a parent(s) later marry (forming a stepfamily) and divorce again, the negative effects of parents’ marital transitions are cumulative. The well-being of children goes down as the number of marital transitions goes up (see Kurdek & Fine, 1993, Journal of Family Issues).
· What results is a generational weakening of marriage and an increase is the likelihood of divorce.
· The good news is that breaking the cycle of divorce and making your stepfamily successful will increase your child’s likelihood of a stable marriage when they marry. Break the cycle!
- Marriage in a stepfamily can be stressful!
· In our national survey of couples in stepfamilies we found that the top three anticipated stumbling blocks for couples related to children and stepfamily stress. 78% of couples expected difficulties dealing with stepfamily issues, 75% expected children to put a strain on their marriage, and 72% believed creating a stepfamily would stress their marriage (Deal & Olson, The Couple Checkup for Stepfamilies, unpublished manuscript).
· They were right! On average, couples in stepfamilies have three times the amount of stress of couples in first marriages during the first few years (see Hetherington, For Better for For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002, p. 165).
· Is there any good news? Yes. With time stress levels for couples in stepfamilies can fall to normal levels found in first marriages. Press on!
Pre-Stepfamily
- Most couples in stepfamilies don’t seek premarital preparation. We’re wondering why not? Less than 25% of couples in a series of studies sought relationship or educational opportunities to discuss their upcoming marriage. Less than half read a book or magazine article about remarriage or stepparenting. [Reference: Ganong & Colman (2004). Stepfamily Relationships: Development, Dynamics, and Interventions. New York: Kluwer Academic, p. 68.]
- People remarry quickly. On average people remarry within four years of their divorce and 30% remarry within a year. In addition, since two-thirds of couples cohabit before remarriage, the time between divorce, cohabitation, and remarriage is indeed short. [Adapted from Ganong & Colman (2004). Stepfamily Relationships: Development, Dynamics, and Interventions. New York: Kluwer Academic, p. 4.]
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