Naked on the Living Room Floor

Smart Question:

Hi Ron,

We attended one of your seminars in California and have greatly benefited from it. Your principles are sound, and we have experienced the benefits of the "crock pot". We are grateful to you.

A question - we were married in July, 2005 and I moved into the home with my wife and her two teenage sons (now 17 and 19). Things are going well overall, however the issue is their Dad's pick-ups when he sees them weekly. He comes in, yells for one or the other of them he does not see, gets the paper to check movie times, etc, talks loud, goes to the bathroom, gets water, etc.  Generally he disrupts and is too comfortable in the home (he lived in it for 11 years) – spending 15 - 30 minutes each time. There were times before I lived here (and after he left) when he would give my wife a hard time in the house as well. Friday I was napping on my day off and his yelling loudly twice for the younger son woke me up.

You see the problem.

Our preference would be for him to call from the curb as I do when I pick up my son from his mom's, and let the boys come out - even if it takes 5 – 15 minutes, and plan their time on the road, or have set it up in advance.

I feel that he is not respecting the new home, and no ground rules have been set but need to. Your thoughts? I have a decent relationship with him, and of course do not want to upset things more than necessary -  he is kind of a "type A" and likely will not understand what the problem is.

I want to think of the long run of making these changes - but his welcome has been worn out, other than arranged times to visit or talk, etc.

Thanks for any input. It is valuable to us.

Smart Answer:

Your complaint is legitimate and needs to be addressed. In fact, it reminds me of a story (if you’ll allow me a quick, humorous digression).  Buddy Lawrence, a therapist and friend of mine, once gave a couple the best solution to a boundary issue I’ve ever heard.  A newly married couple, the wife’s mother kept coming over to their house and entering unannounced.  She was in the habit of walking into her daughters house (who had always been single) every afternoon without knocking or calling ahead.  Buddy asked the couple if they wanted to stop the mother’s intrusion for good—without argument.  Of course, they said yes.  At his direction, the next day when the daughter’s mother entered the house she found her daughter and son-in-law naked on the living room floor.  She immediately turned around and left, never to return unannounced again!

The prognosis for your situation is good, assuming Verlene is up to the task of establishing some new boundaries, and I don’t think anyone will have to get naked.  Like a mother who has had full access to her child for 26 years and finds it difficult to "back-up" on her boundaries, Verlene's ex-husband is very used to just walking in and acting like he belongs there.  What you are dealing with is yet another layer to de-coupling, i.e., the process of "backing-up" on the emotional and physical spaces shared by people who were once married. 

Here's what she must do: (by the way, she must do it because if you set the boundaries, it won't feel real to her ex.  He'll just dismiss you as a "jerk" who is keeping him from his kids.  She was married to him, she has to change the nature of their interaction.  Plus, the kids won't be as angry with her as they might be with you making the changes.) 

1. She should write out a script of what she plans to say to him.  Plan on making a phone call or sending an email to express her thoughts (email is best if she doesn't handle him well face-to-face). 
2. Sample Script:  "John-- I'm sure you have already thought of this, but it has gotten a little awkward for us to have you enter our house when picking up the kids.  It would be preferable if you would just ring the door bell and stay outside.  Once we know you're at the door we will tell the kids to get their stuff and meet you at the car; I would appreciate it if you would wait for the kids outside while we do so.  Sorry I've been a little slow in recognizing this, but I'm sure it will be more comfortable for you as well.  Thanks for spending regular time with the kids.  I know it means a lot to them."
3. Notes: a) don't ask if this is "okay" with him; b) greet him the first few times at the door and then politely close it (e.g., "Hi.  We'll have the kids right out." close door).  c) You can tell the kids that their dad will begin to meet them outside at your request.  Don't apologize.  If they ask "Why?" just say "because we would prefer it that way" and go on.  Don't make a big deal out of the change, just follow through politely; that will make it happen easier. 
4. If your ex doesn't accommodate you: send another email or say to him personally at the door, "I'm a little confused.  I thought you would understand our request.  Please wait outside." 
5. If you ex complains or is sarcastic say: "I'm sure this is tough to get used to.  However, we would prefer you remain outside.  Thanks."

Don't beat around the bush and expect things to get better.  By the way, I'm willing to bet that the history between your wife and her ex includes him "walking on her personal space in life."  This is just another example.  Setting this boundary may be difficult, but she can do it.  It's time.

Blessings,

Ron