When Kids Lie to the Other Household

Smart Question—

Mr. Deal-
        I have read your book and think it was great but really need some advice if possible.  My husband and I have not been married quite 2 years yet.  We have a great marriage and a strong faith in God.  But it has been very rough.  Long story short we both have 2 children from first marriages.  My stepchildren are 13 & 15 (girl & boy).  My girls are 8 & 3. 

        Soon after we married the typical parental alienation signs started.  Their mom telling them things that were not at all true about us, not allowing them extra time with their Dad, sending hateful things in the mail, etc.  This led to my husband filing for more time with the kids thru court, which ended very much in his favor (thank the Lord).  Now the problem is that we are finding out the kids are going back and telling their mom lies also about us.  We live in a small town and hear this thru the "grapevine".  We have no idea what to do.  Do we confront the kids, or ignore it?  It is so hard to watch my loving husband being hurt over and over.  I also realize these kids are being tortured themselves, but lying and hurting your family members is not how we were raised.  Do you have any ideas you could share?

Thank You, Tiffany

Smart Answer—

Tiffany--

Your husband can be direct in talking to his kids about what they are saying but you should be tentative in your language.  What you have from the “grapevine” is hear-say; don't trust it too much.  When you talk to the children leave open the possibility that you don’t understand the full picture.  For example: "It's my understanding that you have told your mom that we are divorcing because of her.  Please tell me about this."  Then wait and let them talk.  Don't accuse until you've had time to hear them out. 

Then and only if it's still appropriate can your husband say, "I must say I'm confused about this.  First of all, it hurts me very much that you would share things that aren't true with your mother.  I do understand how you get caught in the middle between our households—I do understand that.  I know you are in a stuck place sometimes.  But misrepresenting things to your mom only complicates how well our households cooperate together.  This hurts me and I wish you'd stop.  Help me understand why this happens."  Then wait and listen. 

This is honest, direct, and sensitive to them being in the middle. 

Grace, lots of grace!

Ron