My Wife is Uncomfortable with My Past

Smart Question

Recently I listened to your radio interview on Focus on the Family.  I have been married seven years and have an 18 year-old daughter who lives far away.  Together, my wife and I have three children. 

My question - what do you say to a woman who only wants to have the "first time" of everything happen in her life marries a man who has a past and several of the "first time" experiences are not shared because I have been married and had a child before?  Also, my current wife blames herself that we are only able to have boys because she has rejected (in a sense) my daughter because she has taken "the firsts" away from me. And, my current wife sees my cooperation with my former wife as a disloyalty when it was required that I get involved in my daughter and former wife’s life in order to make decisions - kind of a split family father/husband figure?  Any Insight to resolve the unforgiveness, bitterness and feelings of "second class, second best" my current wife still feels after 7 years even when my daughter doesn't live any where near me, does not visit, calls only once every few months, and is away at college in New Mexico?

Thank You. 

P.A.

Smart Answer

P.A.

There is nothing you can do about this.  The reason you feel helpless to help your wife not feel "second best" is because it's not your work to do, it's hers.  People who marry previously married persons and then want to pretend that their past (and children) didn't really happen are living in a perpetual fantasy.  Your wife is doing herself no favors by constantly comparing her life to your previous one.  There is no resolution to be found her, only acceptance. 

Besides, your wife is basically saying that she doesn't trust you.  "If I'm not first, then I'm not most important" is her message.  That's wrong and very misguided.  She is revealing her insecurities and they extend beyond you.  She even has to subtly (by her anxious responses to you bringing up your daughter) create distance between you and your past/daughter, which, ironically, keeps her in a perpetual state of wonderment: "If his past comes closer or if he contacts his daughter or ex-wife, then will I really be his priority?"  Again, the irony is this, she can't find the freedom to accept herself or you—or the marriage for that matter—because she is constantly comparing herself to your past. 

She has to let it go.  What you have to let go of is finding the right mechanism to make her completely happy with your past.  You can't.  Don't take responsibility for making her okay.  That's her emotional work.  You can, however, be sensitive to her insecurities.  By the way, your daughter needs you just as much as your sons do.

Blessings, RLD