I need help before stepping into another marriage. I'm hoping you can point me to a solution to my emotional conflict.I am 60 years old and divorced. Although we were both practicing Christians, my wife decided to leave our marriage. After 10 years of separation, I have met a Christian widow my age and, after 8 months of friendship, we discovered a love for each other.
During the friendship, I was introduced to her life with her late husband which included grown children whom he had from his first marriage. My girlfriend was 12 years younger than him and married him after his two daughters were both adults.Since they were closer in age to my girlfriend, they all bonded. When his daughters married and had children, my girlfriend became a "step-grandmother".Now, she is 7-1/2 years a widow and we want to be married. My problem is that I sense she has a bond to her late husband through his children.I am emotionally threatened by all the memories of their life together present in her home, and her relationship to his children and grandchildren add to my emotional discomfort. I understand the definition of the word "stepmother" means she is married to their father but is not their natural mother.Since she and they refer to her as "stepmother", I feel this suggests she is still "married" to their dead father.
With all the books I have read on divorce, death, remarriage, etc., I have not found one that addresses this issue of a bond with a former spouse's family - either after divorce or death. Please point me to some assistance.
Thanks much. J.P.
Smart Answer
Hi J.P.,
Your wife's emotional attachment to her extended family (or "expanded family" as I like to say) is not the problem. I suspect that the problem is your uneasiness with accepting her past and making it part of your life. The irony is this: the openness she had toward her stepdaughters in the first place that ultimately resulted in their mutually beneficial relationship—even after her husband's death—is what you can't seem to find; i.e., you're not open to her other family connections. Stop worrying about her. She's maintaining important relationships she should keep. It's your insecurity about her past that you have to deal with. If you need to think of yourself as the only "exclusive" man in her life in order to feel secure (i.e., as if she never had emotional attachments outside of you), you shouldn't pursue this relationship.
Think of it this way, when you married the first time you didn't expect your wife to completely abandon her parents and siblings. "Leave and cleave?"Yes.Abandon?No. Our extended families remain in our lives after marriage (of course, not to preempt the marriage) and spouses accept them. I'm not sure this is much different.
Bottom line: Either find a way to accept, and even embrace her extended family connections, or end the relationship. Don't marry hoping this won't be a problem -- it will be. In addition, if you don't deal with this now your insecurities will keep finding their way to the surface in a multitude of matters.It's time to look in the mirror.
