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Waiting for Father / Overwhelmed by Expectation |
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Question:
I am 36 yrs old. I am married with a 2 year old. I am looking for information to help understand my situation. My father is on his 3rd marriage. He cheated on my mom, divorced her when I was 13 (he had me apart of the deception/lie to my mom), and "won" me over so I lived with him and my stepmom and stepbrother. My stepmom was great until they got married then became a stepmonster. Very "Cinderella" story - cleaning and the whole bit. My mom was defamed - and still is with wife #3. He divorced #2 and moved on quickly. Married wife #3 - and there are a lot of problems b/w them and my husband and I.
The question for you is that they want her adult children and us to be one big happy family. We have nothing in common. My father insists that we buy Christmas gifts for, at least, the grandkids and my biological grandmother is told that she has to give the same amount to his wife's grandkids as she does her only great grandchild. They tell my daughter that her children are "Aunt A." and "Uncle C." along with "cousin" etc.
I am very resentful and don't feel like these people are my family, nor do I want my daughter believing they are. I feel guilty and selfish b/c I have no desire to know them. I just want a "normal" relationship with my father (whatever that is). It is a BIG deal and HUGE point of contention. His wife is very passive aggressive and "pouts" when she doesn't get her way.
Answer:
I appreciate your struggle. Your father's choices have certainly caused you a lot of pain and heartache in the past; even now his choices bring people and complications to your life (and your family) that are unwanted. This is not simple to resolve.
When I read your email I first thought of this article that somewhat addresses later-life remarriages and adult child concerns. Perhaps it would be good for both you and your father to read: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/244.
When a parent remarries, especially under less than honorable circumstances, it’s very difficult to honor them. And it's like getting a mother-in-law or brother-in-law you didn't ask for in marriage. Nevertheless, they are part of your "extended stepfamily system." Finding a way to get along and going the second mile will certainly not be easy tasks, but necessary ones. Unfortunately, your father's choices do impact your life. However, it would be really nice if your father and stepmother could understand the limitations of acceptance that you experience right now. They are pushing high expectations on you and should back off. My "How to Cook a Stepfamily" article might give them some insight on this unrealistic expectation: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/78
In the end, do what you can to find your way through with the reality of your dad's marriage. Feel free to define your boundaries to them (e.g., what name your kids will use to refer to his wife), but don't take an extreme position that will cut you off from your father. No one wins if that happens.
Blessings, RLD |
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