Waiting for a Child's Return from Selfishness

Question:

            I have been married going on eleven years.  I love my husband and when we married he had custody of both his children, one daughter age 10 and a son age 5.  Their mother left and moved out of the state with another man.  When we married is when she decided she didn't want HER children to have another mother so they moved closer and visited when she could.  We never received child support but when B., the oldest, turned 16 her mother had remarried and her and her husband both had good jobs so we asked for child support to help with B.'s car insurance and all the other expenses that we had for a 16 yr old.  Before our court date her mother bought B. a new Ford Mustang and told her she could have it if she would live with her, so she moved out.  The court did not award anyone child support since she had one child and we had one child.  When B. turned 18 we received papers asking for living expenses, and of course we had already waived child support since she had one and we had one; we didn't know anything about living expenses.  We ended up paying 340.00 a month living expenses and 1/2 of her college; she is now 21 she has one more semester to go.  It has been very hard financially doing this and it has put a strain on our relationship with B.

            C. just turned 16.  Two months ago they bought a 2003 extended cab short bed truck and of course told him if he lives with them it is his.  Well, he just moved out too. 

            Their mother and step-father are not saved, and they have never done what would be for the best of the children, it is what looks good to others and now they all live together like roommates and buddies.  C. has just turned 17 and he hardly spends a night at that address.  He spends the nights at friends and all over.  He is happy with his truck and no rules.  He is very good at sports so they have told him when they start getting the support from his father he won't have to get a job because that will pay for his insurance and gas and give him his spending money.

            HOW did we raise these children to be so selfish?  Neither of them even call their father.  I have become the evil step mother and I was the one that was there when she wasn't.  I was the one that was up at nights with wash clothes on the fevered heads and giving Pepto-Bismol.  Their friends have even told me that they talk so bad of me, I have big shoulders and I know someday they will grow up and look back but it doesn't make my heart stop breaking today.  I feel for my husband.

            It seems like the eleven years that we have been together has gotten harder instead of easier...Do you have any advice for us?

Answer:

            I sure wish I had some magic words, but I'm afraid I don't.  You have obviously consulted an attorney and know your options (legally and financially) – and the limits of those options.  You have worked hard raising the children and in the end they have been swayed by the trappings of this world (and a mother who has gained their favor by giving them what they desire).  The system is stacked against you (i.e., people of integrity and high-values).  I'm sorry.  What you do have available to you is faith and the trust that in the end, your children will come full circle to see that what you have to offer is far more valuable than stuff and far more satisfying than their spur-of-the-moment desires. 

            By the way, have you noticed a parallel yet?  Your story reminds me a lot of God's.  He offered his children everything...provision, protection, care, and a full life.  But they (we!) were swayed away by the promise of what they wanted today.  Even though what they got was false and empty, they left His lavish love.  Thankfully, in the end, some of His children have come full circle; some have not.  His heart rejoices for those that have come home and longs for those who haven't...yet.  He still waits.  And so do you. 

            You are in good company.  Stand with Him, walk with integrity, and keep the faith.  (You'll never regret that no matter how your children live.)

            Peace.  RLD