My 15 Year-Old Won't Accept My New Family

Question:

I live with my fiancé and her two sons, 15 years-old and 11 years-old.  We have been living together for almost a year.  My son was okay with us living together at first but the his mom came back from out of state and he changed his mind.  He made a big fuss about staying with me and my fiancé so he went back to living with his mom.  I agreed to allow him to stay with his mom but I still included him in everything we did as a family.  I always called to invite him to come and stay the weekend with us.  He always refuses.  He says he has other plans and maybe next weekend.  But since September of 2005 he has only come over about 3-4 times.  I spend time with him when we visit my brother and he allows me to pick him up for a couple hours.  Then he has to go home cause of homework…he just makes excuses…I don’t want to exclude my new family to spend time with only him cause I want us to be one family, but he refuses.

I need help to understand what should I do.  Should I cut my life in half and have time with my family and time with my son.  I feel he has had enough time to adjust; his mother and I have been divorced for 13 years so I don’t see the problem (besides him being selfish and spoiled).  Please respond. 

Answer: 

You obviously feel torn between your new family and your past.  Of course, with limited information I can only wonder about a few things, but here are some thoughts to consider...

First, it's your goal to have a "blended" family, not your sons.  You can't accuse him of being selfish when that's what you're trying to force him into.  Your choice to live with another woman and family is not his choice and you shouldn't judge him for not being happy about it.  Read this article on How to Cook a Stepfamily

Secondly, what you call "splitting in two" I call "compartmentalizing" and it is a good idea.  Spend time with your son without the complications of insisting that he also be with your partner and her sons.  Then compartmentalize your time with them.  Again, it's your agenda to "get them together" and that doesn't fit with where your son is.  Work with what you've got.  

Third, children don’t “adjust” or get over their parents divorce—even after 13 years.  It is a lifelong adjustment for them and each developmental phase of life leads to a deeper working through of parental divorce.  You are expecting far too much from your son and are overlooking the significance of his losses.  To learn more about this, read this article: Helping Children Through the Losses of Life.

Finally, I can't help but wonder if your son isn't trying to teach you something about integrity.  I'm not sure if this is the case, but perhaps your son is "boycotting" your new family based on moral issues.  Wouldn't that be interesting if he found it tough to accept your new family due to your choice to live together and have premarital sex.  I don't want to sound judgmental, but what if your son is standing up for godly values and that's why he can't give you his blessing or join the family?  In your current situation you can't have integrity in judging your son or even trying to motivate him toward love when your own example is not worthy of respect.  Start by confronting yourself, then worry about influencing your son.  This article might help a little: How Does God Feel About Sex Before Marriage?

Blessings,
RLD