Below are stories shared by readers of The Smart Stepfamily. They represent stepfamilies who are imperfect, but striving for the Promised Land (both the spiritual and the relational Promised Land). We appreciate their encouragement and willingness to share their story. Scroll to the bottom to see the most recent submission.
Today my heart is breaking he said he hates me and dispizes our daughter. All my fears came true he is moving to Kansas with his mom. curently he is sleeping on the porch waiting for his mom to come pick him up how did we get to this point
I'm trying to learn now what setting boundaries means, even after my kids have grown up...I've tried to assure my wife that I'm learning about boundaries and that this will not happen, but she won't believe me. What do I do?
"I have a six year old son from another marriage. Currently we are arguing about whether, when we have kids, we should ever attend anything of his if our children have something that
conflicts with that."
My concern is my son's biological father....I'm concerned about his new marriage. I don't know how things will turn out, but I fear the worst (divorce) could come.
I have a stepdaughter who is now five years old. I met her at the same time her dad did, when he found out he was truly the real father; she was only 6 months old. I fell in love with both her and her father. (We had been dating for a short time, but were already talking of marriage).
In the beginning when we were dating the kids were very happy, we didn't have any issues but as soon as they realized that I wasn't going anywhere things changed.
My blended family journey begin almost seven years ago and I must say we are still trying to adjust and blend as a family.It has been a real roller-coaster ride mentally and emotionally for all of us.
It was not an easy start to be sure. Between us we had 8 children, one of which was our own. We married after we had the baby and his 4 older children had a very difficult time with our relationship (part of the reason we waited 2 years) and one of my older children had a difficult time with the relationship.
I have been a step mom to two adult children for 2 1/2 difficult years. Prior to that, I was a happy single mom for 10 years! I spent those years of singleness bringing up my children and finding Jesus. I became very active in my church and my children's lives who are growing up to be college graduates and lovers of Jesus.
...we had our courtship and proceeded to get married. After the wedding we came home and fairly quickly both the girls attitudes had changed towards me. There were so many times I wanted to run and quit. Quit my marriage. Quit step parenting. After several years of the ups and downs of marriage and parenting in general I’ve learned a few lessons.
When they went to mom's house they would be encouraged to tell stories that portrayed me as a demon in their lives. KT was reported as telling on her brothers if she saw them hug me,smile at me, or to have minded me in anyway. They would be chewed out. This is so crazy I still can't wrap my mind around it...
I feel my husband is over protective to his daughter and several times steps over my toes in his quest to be protective over the daughter and he justifies this by saying...
The youngest stepdaughter (she is 36 and a parent herself) and I had an easy relationship ( OR SO I THOUGHT) but I did not see that she was and is a Destabilier...
The problem I am having is I can't talk with my husband about our financial future. What to do in case he becomes ill,incapacitated,or God forbid passes away without his focus being on his children to the point of argument.
WOW! I wish my husband and I could have read your book 6 years ago!! Here we are now finding out we made all the mistakes you could possibly make when entering into a remarriage.
M.S. is asking if she should continue seeing her boyfriend. Based on her description I suggest "You are running toward heartache; I suggest you consider going the other direction." What do you think?
...I truely belive that God put me in their lives and them in mine for a specific reason. I have the most amazing Step Dad and I want to be that person to them...
Thank you so much for enlightening our family to the pitfalls that can be avoided and how to walk through the unavoidable feelings that come with remarriage with children.
In March 2009, my boyfriend and I suddenly broke up after 2 years of friendship and 2.5 years of dating. I am not sure what happened. He refuses to talk to me...
My husband loves his daughter very much and thinks she does nothing wrong, but is very hard on my kids at times. My kids are expected to help around the house but his child rarely does.
I am a christian woman who has never been married but met my boyfriend/fiance at church... He is a father to a sixteen year old son, who is a wonderful young man. I have not yet met him because my fiance says that he doesn't want to push his son.
...my husband has been a rock. I on the other hand have tried and wanted to leave several times. We are seeking marriage counseling, and I'm really trying to except the life I chose.
...my children have a step-mother. She sends me these forwarded emails about step-family, Christian websites, bible scriptures, etc. etc. etc., but she is mean to my kids.... How do I tell them to let an authority figure's words roll off their back. I really think she just hates me, but takes it out on them. I don't know. They suffer, and it makes me sick.
I wasn't expecting to feal jealousy when I married a widower 2 years ago. After 6 years of single parenthood I fell in love with a widower. We both have 2 boys, now ages 20, 16, 13, and 9. My husband is a wonderful man but some of our problems I never expected...
In the beginning, I thought I would love this idea, basically I was aquiring a daughter that I had never had, but for some reason I have come to resent this...
We need advice desperately and really are not sure what to do. Our blended family has worked out so wonderfully, but this problem really makes it very difficult. My husband is wonderful and I love him very much. We need some relief from this situation.
I read so many stories and they are so amazing in the extent of the difficulties and the hope and determination people muster to meet them with God's help... Two and a half years later, we have pulled through some amazing conflicts often arising because of differences over the children and, of course, typical marriage - getting to know you better - types of stuff. We have not tried to parent each other's children, so dodged some of that trouble...
We take it day by day. Some days I don't think I can stay. I feel so betrayed that he was willing to bring this problem into our home and jeopardize our children and lives. I am trying to see this as a test from God that I am supposed to pass but I am not sure I can.
I no longer believe in marital love; remarriage was a mistake...My heart has been broken to a degree I never thought possible and I have little energy left to put into anything.
After attending such an informative and discussion-provoking conference, we both knew that we weren't ready for marriage. Our kids weren't ready... We broke off our engagement shortly thereafter...
In the beginning things were o.k., even without the support of those closest to us we decided we could survive as long as we had each other (red flag #1)...
At times I'll notice an area I'm concerned my husband is not training his son in. (i.e. being responsible and not leaving trash around the house while we're both at work.) When I bring my concern to my husband, the discussion always escalates into an argument where we end up saying hurtful things to one another that we both regret later.
My stepson is with us very infrequently due to my husbands work schedule. He feels guilt in relation to this and always makes excuses for his son's behavior and is willing to over-look most any infraction.
My husband and I were very much in love. My children adore him and his girls hate me. He only sees his girls 1 month a year and when they're here the disrupt the whole family.
My problem is that I am not sure I have enough love to marry him. I don't know why. He is so wonderful to me, the children really like me... and no one has treated me as well as him. Still, I feel like I could "take it or leave it"...
I am a single woman without children and was seriously dating a young man who has never been married but has three children... long story short, I decided to end the relationship and for a number of reasons...
...All went well until we had our own "natural" son named Javin. I started to notice a difference with my husband and could see that this bond was very great. It started to cause some conflict but not to bad. All I can say is that Kenton is now 20 and the favoritism in my household has been VERY PAINFUL!! It has caused the most pain and hurt in our marriage...
I truly believe that, at one time I myself didn't want to accept my step-children, or want them around my home but the Lord began to speak to me and let me know through his word that I needed to Love them as my own...
So now I was taking care of my husbands 2 year old and a new baby his son had no rules and he wreaked or broke everything he touched. My husband never disciplined him so we were always fighting because of his son and the mother she wasn’t paying child support was not coming and seeing him. Anytime I disciplined his child by putting him in time-out he would cry, then my husband would yell at me asking what I did to him.
...This is so hard on me and my kids. My husbands mother constantly says "I have 2 beautiful grandaughters" while my husband and daughter are there. She says mine hasn't proven herself yet and she doesn't know about her. what the heck do I do to keep my sanity. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we first started dating my husband really went out of his way to make my daughter laugh and talk with her. Now that we are married he rarely speaks to her unless he is correcting her. He has her so on edge that even when he occassionally makes a joke she is unsure what to make of it.
She cries when he comes around and wants to stay under me. But, if I step out of her view, she loves him to death! The moment I step back in her view, she pushes him away like cryptonite.
....Help me. This can't last. Our marriage alone needs enough help with him keeping communication with women, lack of sex on his part and my feelings of insecurity. I can't handle all of this.
I absolutely will not put our kids through another divorce, and really what I was focusing on as disappointments are minor. Year 4 now is so much BETTER! It took making the intentional choice to focus on what is right about this marriage and to be thankful, and to see my own role as an encourager / supporter. It is easy to be critical and to think the other doesn't measure up. It is far better to focus on what you yourself can do to amend / improve the circumstances, and be the best spouse you can be!
...I have prayed for us all to have open hearts and minds and keep reaching out for some unity to no avail. They are completely pulling away and my husbands ex wife only will communicate through the new husband...
I was reading advice for do-it-yourself premarital counseling. In addition to the resources listed, the book "Ten Great Dates Before You Say I Do" is also an excellent book... we need help on teenagers...
I am currenly dating a man that has two young children..... I have learned that I need to take what I learned from my own situation and use it to my advantage...
Please pray for us because WE'RE LOSING HOPE!!! We've been married now for almost 2 years and thankfully, our marriage has grown and become more and more of a blessing to both of us! But our hearts are grieving for my husband's now 12 year old son, whom we hardly ever see anymore. (As of today, it's been over 3 weeks and only a handful of times we've been able to contact him by phone.) This has been the case for over a year now, but getting worse as of late.
During my childhood I attended the church where Ron used to be the youth pastor. Even back then his emphasis on making families stronger in times of crisis came through with shining colors—even to us kids! As the years past, my parents became divorced and took on new spouses. I fell away from God and for many years, married, and am now divorced twice. I am engaged again...
Nothing prepared me for the challenges of stepparenting. I have tried to be kind and generous to my stepdaughter, but have been so discouraged by her continued hostility and outright disrespectful behavior on occasion. My husband seems unable or unwilling to discipline her...
I came to this website in a last effort to save my marriage. Today is Wednesday and I have an appointment with a divorce attorney next Thursday so I guess you could say this is the end of the road for me.
Twenty-five (25) years ago Rennie and I were married. We both had five children from a previous marriage, all were grown and married and we had quite a few grandchilren buy then.
I have been married for almost 17 years to my husband and the three children that came with him! They were 10,9 and 2 when we were married. He was the full custodial parent and together we battled Satan day after day...
I have been married for three years and lived with my husband two years before we got married. I have three children 15,14 and 11 and my husband has two children 10 and 7. It has been a struggle trying to blend the families...
My story started 4 years age, I married the most wonderful man in the world he lost his mother at 14 to breast cancer and i think it gave him a outlook on women that was unigue and very uncommon...
Is it always worth it, REALLY? He's not really a husband. He has no desire to be a dad. Is it really worth it to keep banging your head against a brick wall? ...My counselor asked us if we wanted to make it work. That was a hard question. It seems easier to give up. I do know God hates divorce. It stinks, but so does this life.
We are almost five years into this new family, five years of older children and young teens turning into middle agers and high schoolers. We continue to work with the other parents and have gone from hostile trade offs in silent parking lots, to warmer conversations and idle catch ups with each others families...For me, a huge gift to myself was allowing every Christmas to be "their" Christmas...
My husband and I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. He came into our relationship with 3 children from his first marriage. I had no children. Two of the three children are adults and are now married. The youngest is ten. My husband and I have an amazing relationship and truly believe God brought us together for a reason. We get along very well - EXCEPT, when it comes to disciplining his 10 year old...
My husband and I married, thinking it would be easier for us to blend a family than many others, because our children were young. He had two, a girl 7 and a boy 2. I had a daughter 3...
I have read most of your "advice" you give people who are suffering in their stepparent roles....I don't see anywhere where you have given the advice to parents to cleave to their marriage first. Children...should not come first....I think you are giving advice which many more marriages and families will self-destruct because the stepparent's feelings are not accounted for in your advice you give.
I think the toughest thing so far has been that he has felt guilty in disciplining his children due to the situation with their mom leaving etc. Therefore, the children have gone for a couple of years with very little discipline, and I have brought that back into the home...
...It's also interesting how it's assumed that a step parent will like his/her step children. Like that step parent chose them or chose to have more children around when actually the reality could be that they wanted no more children, but given the hand life has dealt, it's very unlikely you'd find someone who has no children or if you do, they will most likely want more...
For anyone out there who is in the heat of the battle of this blended family thing, may I encourage you to see the bigger picture and all that is at stake. Look forward in time, a few years down the road when this present trial that you may be experiencing is over.
... This is a long story with a lot of heartache. We pray for her together every night. I have prayed for her daily fom before her birth. I love my daughter, no matter what, and love my husband who is such a gift from the Lord in my life. Any encouragement, empathy, advice and stories from experience would be helpful as we continue on this journey. Step families do take courage and a lot of God's strength, help and guidance.
Her last years of high school she became sexually active and used alcohol. She now is in the second year of college and has become very flirtatious with my husband (her father)...
Step-Families need love, compassion, forgivness, and understanding. Children do not need pic's of their past hanging on a wall. Why keep them sad about something that use to be? My children's pic's stay in a photo album in their rooms. The past and what was lost does not need to be on display...
His former spouse is obsessed with what is going on in our home and grills the girls about every move we make....She is insanely jealous of my relationship with her former husband and with her children. My husband and I are both in law enforcement and her behavior has become excessive and threatening...No matter what the situation is, she causes a problem.
I knew blending and marriage would not be easy, but i had no idea some of the issues we would face. We have been married 1.5 yrs, he has full custody of his 3 boys 16, 14 and 13 from a previous marriage (mom was drug addict). I have a daughter 10 - never married...
From what we've already experienced and some of the things I've read, step-family building is no place for the cowardly...your stories are real and inspiring...thank you all for sharing. It has given us hope! Now here's ours!
We are now in day two of our most recent marathon argument. The marriage is on the line. My husband simply will not allow me to have any input on what goes on in our home when his children are around. I feel like a prisoner (or at best, a maid) when they are here. I'm miserable.
I am claiming the blessing of the Promised Land for my family in Jesus precious name. I don't know how long it will take us to get there, but I am claiming it. Only God can take divorce and turn it into a blessing. Beauty from Ashes.
My children love their stepfather & he loves them also. However, my ex-husband is a constant source of angst for my new husband and since I have children from my previous marriage and he does not, we are experiencing a disconnect between expectations and reality.
...she wants to sleep with us and that is the problem. What do we do she doesnt want to come if she has to sleep in her nice new bed. I feel so bad for my wonderful husband. Help me...
I am engaged to a patient, kind, smart, generous, loving, practical man, who posses many fine qualities I admire. I am very close to breaking up with him.
How can I get my husband to not parent my daughter? As a stepfather he does not comprehend his boundaries regarding my daughter. I do not parent his daughters. I am there as a support for them only. If they want or need my help I give them the right to come to me if they choose to. I do not force myself on them as my husband does on my daughter. As a result my daughter is currently temporarily living with her father.
Right now I am in compition with his children for my husband's attention. I have been so angry and have held resentment toward his kids due to the fact they always come first and do no wrong. One of his children has even intentionally caused me lots of problems. I know I have to love him but he makes it really hard. Do you have any suggestions?
I first found your website over a year ago (see Shared Stories, December 2003) and it continues to be an inspiration for me. Again, I would love to say it's all been bliss, but it's definitely a long journey "from Egypt to the 'Promised Land.'"
...the biggest heartache of all is that my future husband's oldest daughter (16 years) feels like he divorced her and refuses to acknowledge my existance or be a part of his life. She has been angry since he left almost two years ago. She feels like he divorced and left her.
At this point, I don't know what to do. It's like his ex is taking advantage of the situation and not showing any type of respect. Any advice would be greatly apprectiated.
We are considering marriage (2nd for both of us). My boyfriend has 3 children and I have 2. They all live with us, even though he does not have custodial custody of his. I love all of the children and treat everyone fairly. It is a joy to care for his children, as well as mine. I am having a hard time with a few issues.
This year we will celebrate 19 years of marriage. Our children are currently 30, 29, 24, 23 and 17. All three girls have married, one has divorced. The boys are unmarried. Our prayer is for continued grace to break the cycle of broken relationships and addiction that have plagued the relationships of the previous generation.
It is so true about what people say about the power of prayer. God heard us and answered. For the first time in all the years that he has been away from his ex-wife, he was free. He felt free with his son...
...As me being the other girls stepmum, I pray all the time I will be all I can be for them and love and accept them, but it is hard because I love my daughter and want her to be happy and feel loved and accepted.
Unfortunately my husbands ex wife (who divorced him by choice to see what else was out there) does not like the family we have formed - she is angry, bitter and lonely and attempts through harrasment and legal means to make family life as hard as possible.
When we met I was so thrilled to find out he had children - an instant family (and I had always wanted a little girl). What I hadn't planned on was his mother.
Now my children and I have a great relationship and I am now coaching my boys football team (which their father tries to jump in and take credit but O well) and I teach in my oldest daughter's band class. I have just recently learned to leave it all in the Lord's hands and he and only he will direct you in the right direction.
I raised him to be a smart, honest kid and to know right from wrong. He has lied so much in the last few years I just can take it anymore. WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHERE DO I TURN?
I am ashamed of this but I still feel resentment toward my husband and my stepson's mother for making this mistake that I am now responsible for correcting! Why is it so hard for me to love this child unconditionally?
This is my first (and last) marrige and I had no idea what I was headed for. Emotionally, so many things went through me-- jealousy (of the ex), resentment that I didn't have him or this experience first (since I had been told I was 2nd and will never be 1st), doubt that he was over her, frustration that my life had to conform to "their" legal decisions (not being able to move out of state), etc...
from Ron's reply: If he is cold, hard, and passive-aggressive now, it won't improve when you marry. He may be a potentially good husband, but if he cannot also be a good stepfather, you will have many regrets in the future. Proceed with caution.
I learnt just how selfish I really was (which came as a shock as I didn't think I was). I learnt how to let Peter love me, because in the first year I let a lot of old hurts control me and I could not accept in my heart that he loved me. Our lives are not perfect, certainly not the "white picket fence" dreams I had when I was younger, but we have made the best of our situation...
I want to avoid a divorce at all costs for my son's sake. He deserves better, but he also needs a role model that teaches him to respect his spouse. Am I just full of my own ego and lack of forgiveness, or am I justified in feeling I have been wronged and need an apology?
I'm concerned about how things will be when my fiance' and I are married and start having more children. It seems there will be a double standard when it comes to child rearing ideals.
My current problem is with a stepdaughter-in-law who is 48 years old. For 29 years years, she has referred to both of us in the 3rd person when we are right there and to this day does not know how to introduce me or even us together.
The process has been traumatic so far. As nice and excited as I am to include his 14 year-old daughter and lavish her with love, attention, and material fun, the "blending process" is painful. The volitile language she yells at her father is really hard to hear...
I told him whenever you marry ANYBODY, you AUTOMATICALLY GAIN IN-LAWS, I mean you can't beat that, everyone has a mother/father/sister/brother,etc. However, when you've made a decision to marry someone who 1) has a child from a previous marriage and 2) has a renstful, bitter ex, that's AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BALLGAME.
My husband and I married after only knowing each other for 6 months. While I would not suggest this for everyone it is still working for us 14 years later. We both could never have been happier and more fulfilled.
I never, ever thought after being a single mother for more that 10 years that I would end up with a new husband and four additional beautiful children.
I have started counseling and I am working to improve myself. I do not know what to do. Our communication is non-cooperative. We seem to be always on guard and ready to strike back with anger or hurtful words.
....but low and behold almost two years later our children are emotionally happy again, healthier about handling their past pains and they even claim us as their "parent or stepmom" in public (a feat for any 14 and 18 year old) and the two younger ones no longer distinguish, we're all four "my parents."
Blended families are like a rainbow, and a rainbow is a reminder of God's promise to us. Look for the rainbow at the end of a very hard rain fall, and receive the promise of God.
I have just read the book The Smart Stepfamily and I wish so much that I had found this book at the beginning of our relationship. It would have saved a lot of heartache.
I am the baby of the family with a sister and two brothers and they are more then five years older then me. I graduated from College and moved to Flint, Michigan to start my first job. At 24 years old I was ready to make money and take on the world. I was young, single, on my own and liked looking at women.
I realized that at seventeen, my new daughter was going to be less than thrilled about a new stepmother. She had already seen one harvest of a new marriage that failed in its early season...I was batter three with the bases loaded full of difficult experences.
It is a day to day process that only by putting your faith and trust in God will make things better. Having a stepfamily is very rewarding and it is worth working on!
[As a stepparent:] Every seed you plant, will grow in due time. Keep loving them, no matter what, even if it is not reciprocated. Your efforts will not be "fruitless".
