Question:
Hello!
I had a question, and I am not sure if you have run across this problem before. I am having major food issues with my stepkids!! I have 4 children in all, two natural, and two stepkids, (boys, ages 11 and 13). The boys have been living with us for about 2 years. Their mom gave them up, as she was having problems in her life and issues with her husband who she remarried to. We had been praying for the boys, because she was so caught up in her own problems that she was unable to take care of them. Personally, I think she is an extremely selfish person, and she always says "I need ME time", and I do feel she has neglected her children; however, they have remained immensely loyal to her. I try at all cost not to vent my feelings about her to them. They may have heard me vent to their father, on accident. I try not to let them hear me if I feel a need to vent myself.
I feel I have worked so hard to love these boys, as if they were my own. We have given them a sense of structure, boundaries, and of course, as a stepmother, I try to please them and make them happy, but they are continually comparing me to their mom, and I have just about had it.
The boys need to eat a good breakfast, but when I offer, they say "My mom makes better grits, no, I don't want your grits, my mom's are the best", or I even offered to make them eggs this morning, "No", they won't eat my food, as they are constantly comparing me to their mom. All they will eat is POP TARTS!! A child cannot live off of pop tarts. Then, they go to their mom and say I don't make them food, and basically, now I don't FEEL like it, because they don't like anything I make, and they feel I do not cook well, which is really insulting me, but I try not to show it. I just said "OK" and walked away. No breakfast for the boys today, because I ran out of POP TARTS!.
The mom is currently going to school to be a nurse, so she cannot take the boys back, she is too busy. She tries to give us extra money, because she feels guilty. She buys the boys whatever they want, etc.
Anyways, I am feeling very frustrated. I feel terrible that those boys walked out of the house without good food in their stomach. Actually, the youngest one finally agreed to an over easy egg and toast, but the older one, who has ADD and takes a lot of medication in the a.m. did not eat, because I do not cook like his mother. This is making me very sad!. Sometimes, I feel like just handing them back over to her and say "There, take care of them now", but she cannot even handle them, even for two days on the weekend, they "drive her up the wall", and the older one in particular is giving her a hard time. He is angry and blames everything (his move away from his hometown) on her.
So, this may be just about food or something a little more. They know I get upset when I cannot cook something healthy for them. Sooo. Should I just stick to Pop Tarts and allow them to eat unhealthily?
Thank you for any help you can offer.
From:
A stepmom whose stepkids won't eat breakfast.
Answer:
Dear "Stepmom"--
Your attempts to bless your stepchildren with a hearty, healthy breakfast are admirable. I assure you, your stepkids refusal to eat the food is not just about Pop Tarts. I've often said that parenting is often about two things: 1) the behavioral situation at hand; 2) the underlying family dynamics at play. You must be sensitive to both and respond to both.
Let's start with the behavioral elements at hand.
My first question is this: What would you say to your own children if they refused to eat what you prepared for dinner, for example? I sure hope you would not say, "Okay, Johnny. I'll make you whatever you want instead." If so, you've just become a short-order cook. Good luck with that. I hope instead you'd say to your kids, "Okay. That's your choice. We'll see you at breakfast." Then, they stare at you for a minute to see if you're serious. And you are. Dismiss them politely and eat your dinner. Hunger will speak volumes to them in about an hour (and "No, you can't have a snack before bedtime because you didn't eat your dinner" is an important follow-up to help give time for hunger pains to speak loud and clear to the child). You can take the same approach with your stepchildren.
For breakfast, give your kids--and your stepkids--a choice of 2-4 good options. If they don't like any of them they can eat a Pop Tart once each week. Not every day. They'll have to go hungry or accommodate your choices on the other four days. Again, hunger is a great teacher. You don't need to lecture on the physical and intellectual benefits of having a great breakfast before going to school. Just let them get hungry once or twice. It's amazing how that motivates kids to try new foods.
Of course, an important between-home intervention is important here as well. If you and your husband (you must be unified in this approach) are going to let the kids get hungry by their own choice, you must forewarn their mother as to what you are doing. Your husband ought to make the call (if he and his ex don't erupt in conflict). Perhaps this script would help: "Hi. This is "name". I just called to share some information [ NOTE: you aren't asking for her approval; you're just sharing information ] with you so you'll understand a decision we've made regarding the kids. The boys are maintaining a strong loyalty to you when they are here with Susie--as it should be. For example, they refuse to eat her cooking because they say it isn't as good as yours. We realize this is their way of letting Susie know they are loyal to you; it's okay, we can work with it. We just want you to know that they are getting good meal options over here, even though they may be telling you otherwise. In addition, because we don't think it's good to cater to their every food wish, we are choosing to give them options at meals and if they don't eat them, they'll just go hungry till the next meal. It's a logical consequence that is supported by many parenting experts so we're going with it. Again, we just wanted you to know what we're doing over here and why. Any questions?" This script brings me to discussing the underlying dynamics at play.
First, let's acknowledge that "I don't like your cooking" is equivalent to "I wish my mom were cooking my breakfast" and "I'm taking care of my mom by being mean to you; my loyalties are to her." You really shouldn't take this personally. It's not about you. It's about how life hasn't quite worked out for these kids as they'd like. In addition, to eat your food--and like it--may feel like taking mom out of her special place, i.e., "greatest cook in the world." You might even make this overt with them in a playful way saying something like, "Look I know your loyalties are to you mom. That is as it should be. Your mom has a special place in her heart and I'll never try to replace that--even if you enjoy my cooking. Now, whether you go hungry just to prove your loyalties is entirely up to you. Here are your choices this morning for breakfast..." Don't be harsh or condemning with this message (loyalties aren't wrong, they just are). Instead be matter-of-fact and stick to your plan.
Finally, above all, make sure you and your husband agree to this approach (or something similar). Parental unity--even in stepfamilies, or maybe it's especially in stepfamilies--is always the most important factor to managing child behavior. Get on the same side philosophically and stick to your plan with the kids.
They'll eat...eventually. RLD
