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When You Aren't Your Spouse's Priority |
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Question:
Ron,
In the last stepfamily group class, we began a discussion of what to do when your spouse (we will say the husband) doesn't make you feel like you are the most important thing in his life...or even in his house. This was a real life issue for one of the wives.
She said his mind is only on work and making money for his kids. Everything comes before her. He doesn't invite her out to eat, doesn't have time to watch a movie with her, won't even come in for supper. The wife feels left out and unappreciated, even invisible. She has tried to tell him over and over what she needs but it goes unacknowledged.
We are looking forward to some guidance from you.
Answer:
A spouse who has "tried to tell him over and over what she needs but it goes unacknowledged" usually means he/she has complained in every way they know about being victimized by the ungrateful, unappreciative spouse. This in turn usually leads the accused to feel defensive, either complaining back and arguing, or withdrawing into guilt (cause they know it's sort-of true) or anger ("I'm working hard and all I get is criticism; doesn't she see overwhelmed I am")...or both. A negative cycle is the result. The isolated spouse then retreats into the only conclusion that makes sense of the "ungrateful" spouses behaviors... "they don't care about me."
Instead, talk to your class about a "soft start-up" that focuses on your "desire" for the other person, not your anger that they have "abandoned you." Also, for a wife, throw in the respect message in addition to the request (I highly recommend getting a copy of Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs). So, "you put everything before me, I must not matter to you" becomes, "Hey John, I was thinking today about all the things I really respect about you. You work hard for your family, you're a great provider, and you value spiritual things in our marriage.... (fill in with something genuine here). I was also thinking today that I've really been missing you lately. Life has kind-of jumped in-between us. I'm wondering if we can spend a little time together this weekend..."
The problem that some will have with the above alternative approach is that they (women especially!) want their husband to value them more before they go out to dinner. They want his feelings to be different before they are willing to talk about their desire, not anger. They want warm fuzzies and emotional security (dare I say it) before they will communicate respect to their husband. Instead, change you before expecting him to change.
If you hold a "soft" position inviting your spouse to move toward you and then refuse, there likely is a serious commitment issue going on or the spouse is so consumed by other matters that they can't respond. Loving a spouse who refuses to love you back is tough emotional work. Someone in that situation needs to find support from same-sexed friends and perhaps a counselor who can guide them through their next steps. There are no pat answers in this situation; creating an individualized response plan is very important when only one spouse is committed to the marriage. |
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