|
|
|
|
 |
Christmas of Divorce |
| |
Question:
I am the partner of a divorced, caring, Christian man with three children, all under 13. His ex-wife has decided to go to Florida on December 23 and return Dec 29 without her children. They reside with her. She expects the children to go to their father's for the vacation days. He did not know about this and has not taken the time off from work. She did not discuss it with him, but told the children they would be going to their father's.
It is upsetting that the children's mother didn't want to see her children over the Christmas holidays, and is holding her ex hostage because she will tell the children "your father doesn't want to see you- he won't take you for the extra days over vacation". She has done this kind of thing in the past. He is excellent about his joint-custody responsibilities. She is not.
Any suggestions?
Answer:
Hi B.--
Such circumstances are indeed maddening sometimes! These are the times that everyone is reminded that control of the other home is not within your power; you can only choose your response.
One choice is to rearrange your schedules in order to take the kids. Without a doubt, both you and your husband will have to make sacrifices in order to do this and despite the blessing of having special time with the kids, it will probably be a pain as well. Yes, this may "enable" his ex-wife to do it again sometime (she's already shown a propensity to stick you in a corner with the children) which is cause for a migraine. And, yes, accommodating to her inconsideration can make you feel like a fool...and, yet, doing so ministers to the children and shelters them from further conflict.
On the other hand, you could refuse to accommodate her, trying oh, so delicately to explain to the children (in a respectful, neutral tone, of course) why you aren't really "rejecting" them, but simply insisting that their mother fulfill her designated time with the kids. They will surely feel confused having to judging between contradictory explanations of why their parents can't get along. While refusing to accommodate his ex does communicate to her your unwillingness to be pushed around by her "selfish desires", it most certainly brings on a greater level of tension between both homes as she "counters" your explanation of the situation to the children, making sure you get blamed for her choice.
Am I close to describing the potential choices and outcomes? If so, then you are between a rock and a hard place. Unless...
Unless you zero in on what matters most to you and focus your choice in the direction of your influence. What I mean is this, which relationship affords you the most influence--the co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife or the relationship you have with his children? If there's hope to influence his children over time, then move in that direction, i.e., decide a course of action that allows you to influence them. His ex-wife may be a lost cause (except by a Divine intervention); the children probably are not. If so, move toward them in whatever ways you can.
Grace for the Season, RLD
|
|
|
|
|
|
