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Should I Relay Messages to My Stepchildren? |
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Question:
I have a question... my stepkids mom e-mails me and tells me to tell the kids that she loves them and says hi... my husband feels that she should call them or write to them directly. What's your opinion? Should I relay the messages to the kids? I feel that it would be like me telling the kids to tell their dad (my husband) that I love him or want him do do something for me... I wouldn't go between someone else, but tell him directly. What do you think??
Answer:
Why not relay a positive message of love from your stepchildren's mother every once in a while? I see no harm in it at all. It's helpful to their mother and shows a cooperative spirit on your part. In fact, the meta-message (i.e., the additional message that is tagged on to, "Your mom wants you to know she loves you") is, "I'm not intimidated by your mother's love for you," and "your mother and I have a good working relationship that doesn't require you to be on guard or anxious." Both of these extra messages enhance a positive relational environment in your home.
Keeping this a positive dynamic assumes that you 1) only communicate positive messages; and 2) avoid the extremes. Let's consider each.
First, it is not advisable to communicate negative comments to a third-party, especially children. We refer to this as triangulation; one person becomes the bridge of communication or negotiation between two others. If your stepchildren's mother was saying, "Tell my kids that their father won't change his work schedule to make it possible for me to see them this weekend," I would suggest you respond by saying, "I don't think it's my place to share that with them. I'll let you tell the kids yourself." Jesus taught us how to avoid triangulation in Matthew 18:15 when he addressed the issue of a friend who sins against you. The first step he said is, "Go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." Don't triangulate others into the situation by taking it to the local gossip mill or talking to your mother about it. Address it one-on-one. By the way, sometimes avoiding triangulation involves knowing what to say when someone brings something to you that you don't need to be involved in. For example, if your husband's ex-wife says to you, "Why is little Johnny repeatedly forgetting his math book for school?" you can reply, "What did he say when you asked him about that?" Most of the time the response is, "Well, he didn't. I haven't asked him." "I'm sure his answer is important to you so I'll just let you handle that," can then be your response.
Avoiding the extremes in sharing positive communication with your stepchildren means not always being the one to share the "I love you" with the children. Ultimately it is best for the mother to share this sentiment with her children directly, but every once in a while it doesn't hurt for you to share it as well. Avoiding extremes also means that you don't get caught trying to interpret the meaning of the message for the other person. For example, suppose the positive message she hopes you'll share for her is, "Tell Sara I think she did a wonderful job at the recital today." Upon hearing it Sara asks, "What was wonderful? The singing part or the dance part?" you should step out of the middle by saying, "I'm not sure. Why don't you give your mom a call tonight to clarify what she meant." Ultimately, they have to share the meaning of the message and it's always more complicated to do so if someone else is in the middle (remember playing "Telephone" when you were a kid?).
Principle summary: It's okay to be the bearer of good news; avoid muddying water that is already cloudy.
RLD |
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