To Spend or Not To Spend as Much as the Other Home?

Question:

I have a stepfamily question that I hope you can respond to.

My stepson's mother (he is 9 years old and his primary residence is his mom's house, we have weekly visitation) tends to buy for him excessively. He has all of the newest and best electronics, and every time he shows an interest in something she runs out and buys him everything he will need to pursue that interest (she doesn't even wait to see if it is an interest that will stick). I have a son that is 9 months younger (he lives with my husband and I exclusively), my stepson's mom has made arrangements for my stepson to take a class to learn to drive a go cart, his lesson falls during a time when he is with us, (actually half way through the lesson would be the drop off time for him to return to his mom's house).

So this puts us in a bind, because we now have to explain to my son why he can't do it. We feel that it is too expensive to pay for ($70), unless it were a birthday or Christmas gift, but it's not something that we would just do for no special occasion. We try to raise the kids to realize financial responsibility, and in doing that we don't spend excessively through out the year. They certainly don't go with out, but we don't want them to grow up feeling like they can have anything and everything they desire. So the problem is that we have to drop my stepson off at this class, we should stay for the first half (according to the visitation schedule) but we could ask her to meet us early so we can drop him off with her. Still, my son will have to hear all about it the night before and the morning of, regardless of whether or not we stay. He does realize that my stepson's mom spends more freely than we do, it has become an issue many times over the five years we have been married. However, I hate for my son to have to be in this situation, because it is something that he would also love to do.

Of course, we have tried to discuss it with my stepson's mom, but she will not see our point. So, is the solution to give in to the way we choose to raise children and pay for my son to do it? Or do we stand firm and explain to my son that we're sorry he won't get to do this, that we are not comfortable spending that kind of money for something like this? Which is the right thing to do? I fear that as the children grow this issue will become more and more of a problem. I can see it now, when they get their driver's licenses and my son has to drive the old beat up car that we can afford and he has to work to pay for his own gas, my stepson will be driving a brand new sports car and will not have to work to earn a penny of it. I know I'm projecting but it will very likely be a reality and it makes the future look very frightening. Please help!

Answer: