Second-Half Stepfamilies: Adult Stepchildren

Question:

Ron,

Here is my story.  I married a widower August 30, 2003.  I am 47, he is 49.  We both work full time good jobs.  I knew him from work 7 years before this.  He was a wonderful husband and father.  As a co-worker, he had a strong work ethic and a fun guy.  I had not seen or talked to him in about 5 years.   Through mutual friends, I learned of his wife’s death.  God seemed to placed him on my heart.  I called to give my regrets and see how he was doing.  It broke my heart but I prayed and went about my own life.  God continued to place him on my heart.  Long story short, I flew down to “cheer” up and old friend and a new friendship quickly developed.  Because we felt God had put us together, felt sure of the relationship and with the distance, we married 8 months from our first real date. 

I have no children, but love kids.  I have 8 nieces and 4 nephews.  I grew up very close to my family.  I was very respectful of my parents and their life and their choices.  My husband’s children were Son 18, Daughter 22, and Daughter 24 at the time we started dating.  Both daughters were living on their own.  The son was a senior in high school and planning to go to college that fall.  My husband tried to keep the kids in the loop while we were dating and things were pretty civil till we married.

His oldest daughter cried loudly through the entire wedding ceremony.  Within a few months of marriage, at a family lunch the oldest asked how my husband’s will was made out.  From there, things have continued to go downhill at a rapid pace.  The kids felt that their mom’s life insurance should have gone to them.  It is almost 2 years later and the kids still are angry that their dad moved on, that they didn’t get to chose how the money was spent, that our will is that if I die, he gets everything, if he dies I get all but a life insurance policy left for the kids.

I believe some of their hurt lies in that DH was able to marry and love again.  They were very critical of him doing “new things” and changing the house even before I came along.  I guess they wanted him to grieve longer.  We started dating 6 months after their mom passed away.  I believe there is some feeling that if they are “OK” with everything then they are being disloyal to their mom.  Anyway, at this point none of the kids live with us.  The middle daughter goes to church with us almost every Sunday and she and I are growing into good friends.  The other 2 are very angry and stuck.  It is miserable to be around them.  They are unkind to their father, only call to ask for money.  Didn’t even send him a Christmas card.  We sent gifts to their grandparents house for them to open on Christmas but not even a thanks was given. 

So, my question to you, where do we start in trying to mend and blend or is it possible until their hearts are in the right spot?  Which of your books would you recommend or is there another author who deals with issues relating to a parent dieing and the other spouse remarrying?  Everything I have read, speaks that adult children are harder to bond with because their need for a parent figure is lessened.  I am sure there are additional things my husband and I can do.  My latest version to hold on to is Gal. 6:9.  Thanks for any advice and direction you can give. 

Answer:

First let me say how much I appreciate your question and your struggle.  I am hearing from more and more "second-half stepfamilies" and they are all asking the same questions you are. 

You should know that the adjustment issues children in stepfamilies face are generally the same whether they are minors still living at home or adults.  Of course, specific circumstances vary, but in general many things are the same.  For example, it sounds as if your adult stepchildren feel:

• Fearful -- of being abandoned or isolated from their only remaining parent.  Unfortunately, they have already tasted grief in a very real way; when their father remarried, the grief intensified because in a very real sense they have lost a piece of him now, too (sharing a parent with an "outsider" is very difficult for children of any age).
  
• Loyal to their Family -- maintaining a strong family identity is important for adult children.  Accepting a stepparent means the established family ties must stretch to make room for newcomers.  This isn't easy and frankly it hurts.  Please don't take this personally--it's really not about you.  It's about their past.  They might also feel disloyal toward their deceased mother and, therefore, feel guilty about letting you in.  Oh, and by the way, the timing of your marriage to their father probably isn't helping here.  Dad dating after only 6 months doesn't feel honoring of mom.  Unfortunately, I'm afraid this has you even more behind the eight-ball with them. 
  
• Jealous or Replaced -- many adult children, who have been the "apple of their parent's eye" feel replaced by a stepparent.  Let's face it, you are taking their father's attention, time, and energy.  His marriage is in effect another loss for his children -- making you, of course, the easy target for their pain. 
  
• Concerned about Finances -- the money issues they are asking are not uncommon and must be addressed.  They have a right to know how their family identity (i.e., one value of their inheritance) is going to be provided for.  Your husband should become very proactive in addressing these matters with his children so their fears can be put to rest.  See our series on money in stepfamilies.
  
• Concerned about Grandchildren -- I find that adult stepchildren are quite jealous that their children, i.e., the biological grandchildren, are now not positioned to receive as much time and energy from their parent as they were before the marriage.  Adult children obviously can't have their children knowing the deceased parent, so they invest heavily in the idea of having their children spend time with a grandparent.  Your husband's increased unavailability is--well, another loss for his adult children. 

In the end, while the specifics of their complaints are different than younger stepfamily children (e.g., inheritance), their feelings and concerns are very similar.  You are likely feeling targeted by their anger and unaccepted.  Please know that developing a family identity and building a relationship with children who aren't really asking for your involvement takes a very long time for all stepfamilies and you, too, will need to learn patience.  Read: How To Cook a Stepfamily. 

I want to suggest that you get a copy of my book The Smart Stepfamily and begin reading quickly.  It will help you understand the big picture of stepfamilies and give specific strategies to help with integration.  Keep in mind that illustrations addressing younger children also apply in principle to your second-half stepfamily.  One specific strategy to consider is building a relationship with your adult stepchildren through your role as a stepgrandmother.  You will bond with stepgrandchildren much more quickly and their parents (your stepchildren) may grow to appreciate what you do for their kids long before they accept you being married to their father. 

Another resource is Terri Smith's book When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life: Making Peace with Your Adult Stepfamily.  Although the title implies that the book is only for the adult children, you will gain a tremendous perspective as well on what they are going through and how you should respond.  Read this book as well. 

Finally, please find an outside group of women, stepmothers, or a close friend with whom you can talk (and express your complaints!).  You need an outlet and your husband, given his emotional ties to his children, is not a likely candidate for your "outsider" point of view.  With God's help, you can grow your extended family relationships, but patience is a must. 

Hold God's hand and keep stepping!

Ron L. Deal