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When Ex's Are Too Close |
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Question:
I am seeing a gentleman and considering marriage. He and his ex wife live 1 mile from each other and share 50/50 custody of their son. Each having the son two nights and then trading. They talk almost daily to go over the eight year old son's day. His ex wife and him are also friends and she is able to call him at work, late at night, early in the morning, at any time to discuss the son, or just to say hello. He says her personal "chit chat" calls are only every couple of weeks and they are harmless and I need to accept him being there to listen and chat with her has no effect on our relationship and me getting upset says to him I don't trust him. Last night she called at 10pm while I was there to discuss their son being upset over his own parents not still being married. The son doesn't want me and this man together. His own parents have been divorced four years. I don't understand why these phone calls still happen or are entertained. He said to her he was getting ready for bed and would not acknowledge I was visiting, I felt as though I was being hidden from her. I waited to leave until they hung up and expressed I didn't like her calling so much and having freedom to call so late at night. He said he was upset over his son's upsetness and didn't need to hear it from me too and that he is trying to make his ex happy and me happy and I am making that hard on him. I say he can't make us both happy and he needs to choose, he says he can not change and I need to accept their relationship. How is this to be handled in a correct, godly fashion that brings fairness to all involved? Am I really wrong to not accept their co-parenting and friendship and feel like an outsider to their unit?
Answer:
This is not an "either you're right" or "he is right" scenario. You both are. As a co-parent he is responsible to keep the lines of communication open with his ex-wife. That relationship will throughout your marriage (someday??) will bother you and threaten you; that you do have to accept. However, daily contact is far too much in my book. In fact, his son is doing a very good job of keeping his parents together (emotionally). Your example is classic: all the boy had to do was "be upset" about his parents not being together and "ta-da" they were together on the phone in minutes. Not healthy boundaries for adding a new marriage and stepchildren/siblings to the picture. This needs to change or if I were you I'd reconsider moving forward into marriage.
Read these articles, specifically this one. Your boyfriend and his ex are "Perfect Pals" (read the Common Steps for Co-Parents article to understand). |
#1: by Peggy on 04.02.2008 @ 07:34am CDT
I agree with the answer - the co-parenting relationship needs to be accepted. Embraced even. Why? Because the opposite of a good co-parenting relationship is so much worse.
Every once in awhile, the ex-wife in my life has ruffled my feathers and crossed a few boundaries, but my wonderful husband has seen to it that those border incursions have stopped. While my husband and his ex wife have an excellent co-parenting relationship, he is not at her beck and call nor is she allowed "personal" calls. As far as I'm concerned, she gave up emotional access to my husband when she divorced him.
If your significant other is allowing his ex-wife emotional access to him, then I would strongly recommend counseling. If that doesn't work, I would not pursue the relationship. |
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#2: by Stella on 04.02.2008 @ 08:32am CDT
I completely agree that daily contact is inappropriate. There are definitely realities to face: He has a child with another woman who he once shared a life with. But if you are going to be his wife, your marriage needs to come first.
Lines of communication should be open where the children are concerned, but nothing else. Personal calls with his ex are destructive to your relationship with him.
If she's calling every day when you and he are just dating, think of what it will be like when you're engaged or married. My husband keeps his ex completely removed when it comes to our personal business and his communications with her are strictly of a business nature. He established that method right after the divorce- long before he and I ever met- and yet two weeks before our wedding his ex called him sobbing about something to do with her daughter (not my husband's bio child, his bio children live with us). My husband handled it brilliantly and did not indulge her emotional neediness.
If the ex is insecure, even the best business type communications will not stop drama from rearing its ugly head every once in a while. In my experience it has usually happened right before a happy event for us- our wedding, a trip to FL with the kids for Thanksgiving, etc. Dealing with your husband's ex wife is not for the faint of heart. You need to have strong confidence in God's plan for your life, in your relationship with your husband, and in yourself. |
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#3: by Sarah on 04.02.2008 @ 09:39am CDT
The parents have to co-parent to be certain but boundaries have to be established! And those boundaries will probably have to be re-established often. If your fiance is not willing to put you and your relationship before that of his ex-wife then you are setting yourself up for heartache. It sounds to me as if he is not ready to move on. It is unfair of him to expect you to take that relationship on the way he has established it. If he genuinely feels that relationship is healthy and natural then he most certainly has unresolved issues. |
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