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A Struggling Stepmother |
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Smart Question:
I am a second wife and a step-mom of a 11 yr old and 14 yr old that we have in our home 50% of the time for going on 2.5 years. Both my husband and are are Christians. I struggle with so many issues that I'm ashamed to admit. I've hinted to my husband at times but have not told him everything I feel because the "feelings" seem so wrong according to what I know biblically.
I struggle with loving his children. When I married him I thought it would come easy and natural but I have found that in my unmarried 30 years Ive become pretty selfish. I do all the duties of a mom but have none of the benifits. I do get attitudes, eye roles and sarcastic remarks on a regular basis. My husband expects respect from them and does address it instantly if he witnesses it and expects me to also address it if he is not home. He wants me to treat them as if they were my own. Easier said than done.
I also feel incompetition for my husbands affection for the kids, especially his daughter. I know how important daddy-daughter time is and I want her to grow up emotionally healthy and wanting a Godly man as a husband (especially because bio mom lives with a man and they are both unbelievers) but I still feel so threatened. I feel in the back seat when she is here.
And of coarse there is always the x-wife factor. My husband and her get along very well. He has chosen to. He is such a good man. But them getting along drives me crazy. Part of that stems from knowing my husband never wanted a divorce. She left him for another man and my husband believed for a long time even after the divorce that God would heal his marraige. Then came me. So part of me always feels like..yes he loves me...but if he could choose...would he choose is family back together.
Then finances are also bugging me. She gets full child support even though we share custody 50-50. It was the only way she would agree to letting us have them so much. We still take care of medical and dental 65% . But we are still taking care of the things I believe child support should cover. My husband doesn't fight it because he wants to keep the peace. He is right...God is our provider and will take care of us because we are opediant with tithes and offerings. But I still get so mad. I think its because she has such control in our lives..and then he is giving in to her. I get insecure again when he does this because it seems she is being put first.
Is there a second wife devotional out there...something to help me through this. I Pray daily...and still deal with so much guilt for having these emotions and thoughts. I know I can't be alone. Can you suggest anything?
Smart Answer:
I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug right now. I also wish I could tell you how incredibly normal your feelings are! Throughout your email I could sense your heart for loving out of choice, in spite of the bizarre challenges of stepmotherhood, and your struggle to surrender all these challenges on the alter of grace. I appreciate your desire to be faithful with what the Lord has given you. Your struggles and negative thoughts are also understandable. After all, stepfamilies are not a closed system. They are always open, expanded by multiple households comprising differing relational bonds, and forever influenced by outside forces that frequently have more power over your life than you do (or so it feels). Welcome to the pinch.
While I would recommend books specifically written for stepmothers, such as The Stepmother's Guide to Simplifying Your Life and A Stepmom's Book of Prayer, both by Karon Phillips Goodman, I would also want you to know that some of what you are experiencing cannot be erased. Sometimes we love--and act in loving ways--simply out of choice. It's much like life in a church family. We sit by people who prefer different music in worship, want the preacher to use more scripture, and complain about the air conditioning, yet we are expected to love them as brothers and sisters--because Christ loved us first.
Check out the resources I mentioned above and try to find a stepparent's support group in your area (or start one in your church!!). And realize that you aren't a wicked stepmother for feeling what you feel. You are loving out of choice--and that is very noble and worthy of your calling as a child of God!
Finally, a note to you and other readers: author and speaker Laura Petherbridge and I are working now on a book entitled The Smart Stepmom. It will be released in the fall of 2009. Watch for it! RLD
What additional words of encouragement or wisdom would you offer this reader? Post your comments below.
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#1: by Barb on 11.03.2008 @ 11:34am CST
Be sure to communicate to your husband your feelings of insecurity. When I expressed my insecure thoughts of him "geeting along with the ex", I found out his true feelings. I had the very same fears as you do. His response to me was "did hell freeze over?" Anytime I get these insecure feelings I relay them to him so he can reassure me in his own way.
We have been married now for 12 years. |
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#2: by jen on 11.03.2008 @ 01:00pm CST
I too want to first tell you that your feelings are normal. I have been married for 5 years to my husband. We continually go through rough times but they seem to get easier as we communicate in a non-accusatory way. I, as well, have had bouts of jealousy and anger, which I feel rather ashamed of, but can't seem to stop them all the time either. His daddy-daughter time does irritate me at times, but whenever I feel that way, I stand back and admire what he is doing and how he's shaping her relationship as a strong father figure and hope that when she grows up she will have the ability to see what a wonderful man he is and choose a husband and father for her children that mimics his actions and values. Now to answer your question about devotionals, I have not found a day to day that I have used with much 'meat', but there are many books that have several chapters that address some of what you are going through that have helped me: "Ex-Wives and Ex-lives:survival guide for the next wife"- Paula J. Egner; "The Second Wives Club"- Millian; "Blending families"- Elaine Fantle Shimberg; and "29 ways to Make your stepfamily work"- Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer. One last word of advice I can try to give you that has worked for me as well, is to go do something for yourself when you are feeling jealous or angry, that way when you see the stepchildren come between you in your mind, if you are making yourself do something else, you just might be able to 'step' back into the situation in an hour and feel better than you did when you left and will most likely be much better than if you had sat and stewed about it for that hour. Just like you I want to be the mother to my stepdaughter, but in real truth she has a wonderful mother and no matter what happens in the future, I will NEVER be her mother, so the best thing I can be is a role model that she can be proud of and love in her own way. In fact just the other day, I received a very high compliment from her (in a indirect way), her mother told her father the other day, when picking her up for the night that she had not eaten dinner yet because she (and I quote) 'apparently likes Jennifers cooking'. I've learned to hold onto the little things and forget what I think are big things, comprimise is the best solution and when you least expect it I get a compliment that will keep me happy for many days to come! Good luck. |
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#3: by Dorothy on 11.03.2008 @ 02:26pm CST
First of all -- know that you are not alone. I have been married 2.5 years to my husband. We have full custody of his children, ages 18 and 14. The 18 year old leaves December 8, for basic training. The 14 year old is a freshman in high school. We are currently going through some rough times, but we will make it, because we made a commitment to make it. We eliminated the "D" word from our vocabulary.
Our feelings are just that our feelings. I refuse to feel feel guilty or condemned just because I have these feelings. If I choose to act on those feelings, it becomes a different ballgame. I have found that quickly confessing those feelings to God and maybe to one or two of my closest friends helps me to eliminate them. Most of the time, these feelings occur because I am running on empty and are feeling taken advantage of or unloved. I make sure that I know these signs of this beginning to happen and take some "me" time, a trip with a girlfriend or two, or have a date or short trip with my husband -- just the 2 of us. If you decide to go this route, explain to your husband that nothing is wrong, that you are running on empty and need to recharge so you can continue to be the person you are and not a screaming, green-eyed lunatic.
Jen has some great suggestions. Read, read read. I have the books that she suggests and they are great. If you can, join a support group through your church, another house of worship or at your community center. If one doesn't exist, you might want to start one. Also, SecondWivesClub.com is a good online community.
Develop your own hobbies and friends. You aren't single anymore, but keeping up with these helps you get some "me" time, gives you something to talk about with your husband other than the kids and what they did wrong or forgot to do, etc etc etc. I scuba dive and my stepson has actually earned his first level certification so he's now a great dive buddy. I also love photography and that has become somewhat of an interest with my step daughter even though she would rather die than admit it. I came into my marriage with 3 fur kids that I show in obedience and agility. Now that we have settled in from a marriage, a big move across half the country and all the other fun adjustments, we are back in training and will be back on the show circuit before too long.
Keep your own friends - the ones you had before you married. They have been through a lot with you and will help you recharge your batteries. Just keep it in balance.
I have major issues with the 14 year old. She is lazy, uncooperative and antagonistic. She is failing in school because she "forgets" that she has homework or tests. She has been known to forget to turn her homework in. I do know that my husband's divorce was not amicable. She left him for another man, and abandoned her children. She doesn't see the kids except during winter break and a short time during the summer. As a result, my husband and step-children bear many hurts, wounds and scars that they really haven't dealt with even though they think they have. I am not her mother and I never will be. However, we are still working out our relationship and that may take several more years as she is a teenager and they are just "wierd". I know I was. However, until recently, my husband refused to parent her at all. As a result, I had to develop an attitude of "Not my kid, not my problem". I have to love both my husband, her father and her enough to let them "fail" at whatever it is, so that lessons can be learned. Better that she learn them now rather than later or not at all.
All in all, learn to treasure the small things. Enjoy the small things and focus on the positive experience. They will go a long way towards getting you through the rough stuff.
Best wishes!!! |
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#4: by Brita on 11.03.2008 @ 05:30pm CST
I am a stepmom of 7 years with stepkids now 12, 14, and 16. With God's grace my family life is much better than the first 3 years. My favorite book that I keep by my bed is "A Stepmom's Book of Prayers" by Karon Phillips Goodman. It is a powerful book focusing on those issues we feel guilty about as Christian women, yet can't deny the feelings.
The oldest is a girl and the one I had most conflict with in the beginning. I did all the right things including encouraging her Dad to spend extra time with her. It wasn't until I took up a hobby, quilting, that I stopped being jealous of time he spent with her. Pathetic when I think back that I was jealous over 2 hours out of a Saturday yet still that is how I felt. When I started quilting I began to look forward to time to myself to be creative. I also found that when I began to have a life outside of my stepkids, they became more interested in who I was as a person. I didn't have to try so hard with them because suddenly they were trying hard to know me. The next thing I knew they each were wanting 2 hour alone time with me! God can do amazing things! |
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#5: by Rae on 11.03.2008 @ 06:44pm CST
I feel your pain...
I am a full-time step-mom of two boys ages 14 and 16. We have been together for six years. He had raised them on his own for seven years. Their mother hasn't been in the picture at all for more than 10 years. I've never even met her.
It has been an uphill battle for me most of the time. No one I'm close to is a step parent, so I feel alone many times with no one to talk to. It's hard to talk to my husband about the issues I have with the boys b/c I don't want to put him in the middle.
I also have two sons. My oldest is off at college and the youngest is sandwiched in between his two boys. He is, and has always been, the least of our problems. He's a "people pleaser". My husband will even tell you that he rarely ever gets into trouble.
Lately things have really gotten out of hand in our house. His oldest has always treated me like I'm a threat to him. He treats me differently when his dad is around than he does when he's gone....which b/c of his job has always been quite often. He switched jobs about six months ago and is now seeing first hand what I've been dealing with. He's never wanted to believe me until he now that he can't deny what is taking place right in front of him. The oldest is a compulsive liar. I mean he will lie rather than tell you the truth. We can't trust him at all. He finally admitted to his father that he wants us to divorce and that he has intentionally done things over the years to cause us to fight. I would say that about 85% of our arguments have been about him. He's such a manipulator. My husband is finally seeing this. Now the younger son is also beginning to give us trouble. He gets really angry at me when I ask him to do something and he doesn't feel like doing it.
Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to the way things were before I met my husband. The problem, however, isn't him. He treats me very well and loves me with all his heart. I feel the same way about him. We both lived through first marriages with spouses that cheated. My ex-husband was both mentally and physically abusive, so I know what a good man my husband is. He also loves my children as his own. We both believe that God put us together for a reason. It's just that right now I don't even want to come home from work sometimes. It is easier at work. Our house is stressful.
I'm the mom that shows up for everything they do, plan parties for them, cook, clean, cart them all over creation for every kind of practice you can imagine, and still wash 4 loads of laundry every night....but they don't appreciate any of it.
I'm tired of being the doormat. It makes me resent them and I know that's not the right thing to do. My husband and I have even begun seeing a Christian counselor, but I feel like we have too much for her to even handle.
Tired and unappreciated step-mom... |
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#6: by Maria on 11.03.2008 @ 10:17pm CST
Wow, that could be my entire second wife-life story. I've been married for 8 years and I'v had the same exact feelings, from the jealousy and hurt feelings to feeling like I'm insignificant as a step mom and wife. Things have gotten better over the years. My advice is to keep a life of your own. If you have a close Christian friend that you can confide in, that would listen and not judge, would help. Pray a lot. And try not to take anything too personal. It really does take a long time to adjust to a second marriage and step children. I'm just now, after 8 years, really truly content with my spouse and his boys..they are now 15 and 17. Just a few more years to go. :o)Hang in there! |
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#7: by Gwen on 11.03.2008 @ 11:12pm CST
I understand your feelings - could have said some of the same things myself. I know what you mean about him giving in to her making you feel like she's being put first. I've often felt in second place in those instances myself. I sometimes remind my husband that HE is not the only one affected by his choices. WE are a family and we're affected by everything that goes on.
I will say this though, try to remember that money is just money. You are getting by now. One of these days when the kids are grown, there will be no more child support. Then WOW you'll be doing so much better financially! And, again not "nice" feelings for me to have I know, the ex will suddenly be WITHOUT that money that she's most likely gotten very comfy with. So, my point is this.... in the long run YOU will be better off. You have a good man and you will have a long life together with all of your money and all the other things he has to offer. Seems like a petty way to put it, but it does help me get through it sometimes. Next, try to remember how short the years really are. Count them down. This situation will NOT last forever! Lastly, please talk to your husband about the way you feel about the kids, the relationship with the ex, etc. Do it when you can do it in a non-accusatory way, but using just a "hey, this is how I feel" tone. If the money stuff isn't going to change, then leave that alone. But if the way he behaves with his ex makes you uncomfortable, then he should know that. It's one thing to get along, but it shouldn't be to the extent that you are uncomfortable with it. Check your feelings here too and make sure you're being reasonable. Identify what you'd like him to do differently. For me,it's not letting her in my husband's space. Don't allow her to stand so close. Seems small, and it is, so hey, he can DO that, right? And I KNOW my husband would rather shoot himself in the foot than be in the same room with his ex. Still, the space issue gets to me sometimes. So I understand how you feel about the "nice" issue! And do talk about the feelings for the kids. That it's easier said than done to treat them as your own. They're NOT your own. And feeling like an outsider doesn't help. Do you feel the kids take advantage of you or him? Are you assigning responsibility to them for the money situation and taking that out on them? Just try to figure out what's bugging you and what needs to change. I pray that your husband will hear what you have to tell him and will be willing to work on that with you! |
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#8: by ann on 11.04.2008 @ 07:55am CST
I understand your pain. I think the issue with the past is always there, my husband's previous wife died and I know he wishes that had not happened. His adult children that act as they are 5 and pretend I am not really even a human, they can't hear or see me, excuse their behavior because they miss they mommie.
So even if the previous spouse is deceased you have these feelings, that they wish the first union had never ended. Hang in there and know they love you. It's hard for everyone. I just pretend it is Jesus I am serving, as my heart isn't healed enough from their abuse to serve them. It really helps my attitude. |
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#9: by Jamie on 11.04.2008 @ 09:50am CST
Please know that your feelings are soooo normal, and know that God understands that too. My husband and I have been married 9 years and have had his girls, now 16 and 13 for almost 6 years. I also have a 5 year old son and an 18 month old daughter. It has been VERY hard at times, I spent a lot of evenings crying in my bathroom, after they first came to live with us. I have often said in the past years, I have all the responsibility but none of the power, and that would cause ANYONE to feel angry and resentful. But, I asked God to give us those girls when their mother started falling apart, drugs, men, etc. I've often wondered why God gave me what I asked for, because I've felt very inadequate, guilty, angry, resentful. One of the things that has helped me the most is praying for God to help me forgive everyone involved, my husband, his ex, the girls, everyone. I've had to do that quite a few times, and things are much better now than that first year. I also have to remind myself that I am their "parent" but not their mother. The most amazing revelation came to me just this past year, when I would be frustrated with the girls and talk about why their mother was not good for them or how she hasn't taken care of them. It dawned on me that I couldn't talk them out of loving her, that downtalking her was only hurting our relationship, and that they really knew their moms troubles and mistakes.
That has helped our relationship so much, and I think I've quit trying to compete with their mother most of the time, and just develop our relationship more. You really have to make time to spend with just you and them, ask about their day, show interest in them, even though it may be easier not to. I still have to remind myself to hug them and show affection at times.
I don't think there's anything wrong with setting boundaries with the ex. I had to have a conversation the first year with mine and ask her not to just walk in my house without knocking. She has major boundary issues anyway, but once I spelled this out, it changed. I try to let my husband handle things with her, because "he married her not me" and I shouldn't have to deal with her, but then I'm nosey and want to get my two cents in.
As far as the guilt goes, let yourself off the hook!! God knows everything already, you have not suprised or disappointed Him! There are a lot of folks who could not do what you are doing, God will give you grace and peace in the situation. Give those kids to Him as well and just do the best you can. Love your husband and know that while he may not have wanted the divorce initially, he chose you most recently and wouldn't be with you unless he wanted to.
Try journaling your feelings, getting them out in a safe way, you'll be suprised in a year or two how your feelings have weakened or changed. Hang in there, and forgive yourself, you are only human. |
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#10: by Jen A on 11.04.2008 @ 10:09am CST
I completely understand how you feel! I've been married 1.5 years to a wonderful Christian man and have three stepkids - 14, and boy/girl twins who are 12. I was married once briefly 10+ years ago with no kids of my own.
I had struggles, and still do, with his daughter. I point the behavior out to him, let the clinging phase go for a few days, and then step in to once again (a) let her know what's happening needs to stop and (b) reassure her that she still has the same amount of his love. What really helped was the day where the two of them were goofing around and she said "That's because I'm number one!" He quickly said "No, you're number two now. Jen's number one." The look on her face was terrible to see, but it really helped.
I understand your feelings of selfishness. I struggle with them on what seems to be a daily basis. If the behavior's pointed out to me, I'll ratchet it back or explain myself depending on the situation. Otherwise, self-policing is all I can try to do.
Having something for yourself is SO important. We were all our own people before we became (second) wives and (step)mothers. Continue to be an individual but not to the exclusion of your marriage or relationships with your s-kids. Doing something completely different from my daily grind is refreshing and freeing for lack of a better word.
Reading helps me a great deal along with bulletin boards like this. The one thing I learned before our wedding was that stepmothering is essentially one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. (Maybe that "Dirty Jobs" TV guy should take on our lives for a day!) However, I've found there are more rewards than I expected.
Best of luck, and I'm saying a prayer of comfort, patience, good humor, and strength now for stepmothers everywhere.
P.S. One more thing about my stepdaughter. I was a horrible child, and my parents cursed me (as so many do) with having a daughter just like myself one day. Thought I'd escaped it since I didn't have kids of my own. NOT! :-) There's not genetic link with the curse! My stepdaughter and I are so alike it's really scary! |
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#11: by Angie on 11.04.2008 @ 11:30am CST
You can see that a lot of women are feeling your pain, many of us have been there. I have been married for 7 1/2 years to a man with two children (now 15 and 18), and I have three (now 16, 21 and 25).
MY #1 PIECE OF ADVICE: Focus on your relationship with you husband above all else. Nurture your relationship with him, that is what gives you the strength to get through the rest. It may not be much of a relief, but remember, the kids won't live with you forever. Yes, they will be a part of your life forever, but they won't always be under-foot and undermining your relationship.
Your husband and you need to trust one another as parents completly, meaning, ALWAYS err on the side of each other, especially in front of the kids. Hold conversations of disagreement in private (parenting disagreements, not all disagreements). Back each other in situations when the kids are complaining about the other.
Hang in there,
Angie Blackwell, CFLE, CPC
angie@blackwellfamilyresources.com |
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#12: by Sarah on 11.04.2008 @ 11:32am CST
I have had the exact same feelings that you have...all of them!!
I had very intense feelings of jealousy and anger because I married a previously married man with children. I did not want things to be the way they were, and I struggled to accept it. Seven things that I did that may help you:
1) I went to individual counseling and my husband and I did some couples counseling
2) I read books about being a stepmom
3) I kept a journal and vented my anger and jealousy to it
4) I joined a stepmom support group
5) I let the kids’ Dad do as much for them as possible, and do all the dealings with the ex
6) I worked on stopping the negative thoughts, and tried to think about good things and turn the bad feelings over to God
7) I prayed that God show me the way to overcome my strong negative feelings
The stepmom group has been awesome. We all go through the same things and it is wonderful to be able to fully vent your feelings to others who totally understand. We are girlfriends now, and meet every other month for dinner!
Things have gotten better with time. My stepkids are 16 and 18 now, and they are off with friends a lot of the time. The ex-wife had been somewhat reasonable the last few years. The end of child support is nearing! And, we had a baby (who the kids love) and she is wonderful! Love and best wishes to you. |
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#13: by Kimberly on 11.04.2008 @ 12:20pm CST
I have been married for 7 years now. My husband came with his son and daughter, and I came with my two sons. The kids are now 14, 13, 10, 9. We have full custody, and thanks to God, we get along well with our ex-spouses. But this doesn't change the fact that we each have our own struggles with each other's kids, still. The best advice we learned when we were dating, was to make sure we, as spouses/parents, pray together every day. We have certainly tried to do that, and without it, we surely would not be together today. We also pray together as a family, and with our kids, individually.
I just prayed this morning that God would help me to show love to my eldest (stepson). I have struggled with this issue all these years. I too thought it would just come naturally. But he's a difficult kid to love. He likes to push people's buttons. And then wonders why he gets in trouble, and tries to blame the others. He and I can so often be alike, but most of the time he can bring out the worst in me!! I am reminded that it is one of the ways God shows me that I still need Him, and that there's still a lot of dross that needs to be burned off/out of me. Even with that knowledge, I struggle with my feelings of wishing he'd just go live with his real mom when he acts like such a jerk to everyone. So much of the time he does things that reveal his insecurity and jealousy of the others, even his own sister. And it's really hard to separate my feelings and not take it personally. Sometimes I can, but most of the time I just want to fight back. My husband does his best to handle him, but I have to shut my mouth. I like to throw in my 2-cents, when really I need to just let his dad handle it. The same goes with my oldest biological son. My husband tries to stay out of it (not always successfully), and let me handle him. It just works best because we know our own kids best, and have to be respectful of each other as parents.
I say this, having spent lots of times not doing a very good job of being respectful of my husband's approach with his son. I have struggled immensely with this area of our relationship. It comes down to me trusting God, that He'll work it out, even if I don't think my husband is doing it right. Honestly, this is the source of nearly all of our arguements--me not trusting. So I pray constantly. I pray for self-control, patience, understanding, insight, joy for my job as mom, and the list goes on.
Continue to strengthen your relationship with your husband, to show your children that you are a united front. They need to see your love for each other. And take time to spend one-on-one time with your children. Date them. Work out that love for each of them. It's a choice, so much more than a feeling.
May God continue to bless you and your family. Hang in there! |
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#14: by Melissa on 11.04.2008 @ 02:03pm CST
I have been married to my husband for over 4 yrs but have been together for 7. It's so encouraging to know that you aren't alone, and for what it's worth it feels good to tell you that you aren't alone. We stepmothers have so much support to offer each other even if it's just venting the way that we do.
My s-son is 10, he is a joy to be around and has always be respectful to me but I can't say that I have enjoyed being around him. A lot of resentment, jealousy, and anger have plagued me for a long time in this area. I have been seeking counseling for a while now and I do strongly advice seeking godly counsel if you haven't.It truly does feel good to just let it out to someone that isn't partial to either side. Just there to listen.
I wish I could say what the true answer is for I am still learning so much myself. Do try to talk to your husband about your feelings, it is important that he knows how you feel. There is no other person in this whole thing that can help with your security and help you than your husband and of course, the Lord.
You have to completely depend upon God through this and seek him daily in His Word and in prayer.
I feel like my husband and I shouldn't be going through a lot of things we are going through today but they've been pushed under the rug too long, it has caused a strain in our marriage but God is my Rock and strength through it all. I know that in the end of this test there will be a great testimony. It's just the point of hanging in there and doing this together.
Feel free to contact me, in my book, there is always room for support and lifting each other up.
Be encouraged and Be blessed! |
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#15: by Colleen on 11.04.2008 @ 08:08pm CST
WOW... I am reading this and I have tears running down my cheeks. I have been struggling so much with similiar feelings. I am the girl who grew up taking care of everyones kids, I have been a live in nanny and felt as if those kids were my own. But then I get married and my husband is a widower. Due to the way my husband migrated to the united states his son did not come with him. We have been praying since we have been toegther (for 3 years) that he would be able to join us, and I thought it would be easy for me to accept him as my son. But now that he has finally been able to join us, I am really struggling! I at times feel jealously and wish for things to be back the way they were before. My husband at times jumps to my step-sons defence against me, because he feels badly for having left him with his grandparents for so long. I get constant attitude from my step-son when I have to ask him to do something, and sometimes I loose it and get mad at him. I know he has been through a lot of changes and I need to be patience, but at times I can't will myself to do so. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me, I mean I am a Christian, I shouldn't be having these feelings, right?! Man, I pray to the Lord daily to give me strength to be the mother I need to be to this child and the wife I need to be for my husband. Thank you SO much for sharing, I don't feel so alone in my problems now! Blessings on you and your family!!
Colleen |
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#16: by Brenda on 11.05.2008 @ 09:44am CST
Wow!! And thanks to God I am not alone in this!! I sure did need to read all these emails this week. I have been married to a wonderful christian man for over 7 years. I am a full time step mom to his 14 year old daughter. They have a very close relationship, which I fully understand and encourage. However lately I have realized how much I have been shoved aside. Money is tight due to a horrendous (but necassary) custody battle. I have given my time, money (for years to come), and everything I have in me for this kid. I pray daily and try so hard not to be resentful. All I want is some respect and love out of her and for my husband to see and appreciate what I do and have done for his kids. My husband is so passive and just wants everyone to love each other. But I am put last!! Some days I count the days till she goes off to college. But I love her. When my husband puts our family in order (God first, spouse 2nd, and children 3rd) it all seems to work. But she is always in there being manipulative and playing Daddy's girl. (And she doesn't have to). It is like we keep going around and around. Some days I wonder how much more I can take. Then I look back and think thank God we aren't where we were a few years ago. I guess I'll just keep praying. I feel so awful for "venting". Seems like I am being the "evil step mother". Why is it we are good enough to clean up their puke, and help finance everything they need, but we can't even get a decent amount of respect for all we do? And then we are not allowed to talk about it, because it would be like we don't really love them. Or I love this one....when people say your not really the mom. I sound so selfish. I am ashamed to be doing this. I am not even using my real name. Isn't that awful?? I really am a good christian step mom and wife. I do pray daily. I am just at my wits end! |
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#17: by Cynthia Kelly on 11.05.2008 @ 12:27pm CST
I am in the exact situation as this reader. My stepdaughters are 14 & 12. We have joint custody. Remember, you married your husband not his children. You are not required to automatically "love the children with intense feelings." Love is a choice. Just treating them with kindness & respect is enough for now. Warmer feelings will develop over time. When you do things for the kids like drive them to school & other events just know that you are doing those things for your husband and marriage as well. And more importantly, God will remember all the imporant things you have done that went unnoticed by the kids. Remember, that the quality time your husband spends with his daughters will come back to bless you several times over. When he gets along with his kids, it will be a happier household which makes for a happier marriage. My husbands ex wife also left him for another man. Remember, he's married to you now. Just keep the thoughts under control and let it go. Regarding the finances, it will be a tender subject. Just express your concerns of unfairness to him and he will have to be the one to handle it. My full story is on this website under www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/508 and it's called "At the Top of the Stairs" My best advice is to "Go Neutral." Get a rewarding hobby. Pray alot. Find a supportive stepmom that you can really talk to. Remember, everything you do for your husband and his children is an act of love that you do unto Jesus. Keep the Faith+ Cynthia Kelly |
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#18: by Karen on 11.05.2008 @ 12:29pm CST
This past week I've been really struggling with many of the same issues. So on Monday, I wrote myself a list of all of the things that needed to change and brought back a philosophy from our dating time. I would say that everything good he did, nice words, thank you, nice gestures, ect were pennies in the well and the just kept adding up. In the last year and 1/2 living with my new family (husband and 11 step daughter) there have been so many withdrawals. I'd like to believe that he's beginning to understand that when the step daughter takes her frustrations out on me that there is a huge withdrawal of pennies. He needs to step it up for that withdrawal with helping out around the house, spending more time with me, saying nice things…
For now, my goal is to help my husband find ways to add pennies to the well for the sake of the family. So when there is a withdrawal by either of them, I can still feel valued and appreciated since there have been more deposits than withdrawals.
I keep reminding myself that things will get better and that these are simply growing pains for us.
Lately I find myself praying the Serenity prayer. I’m not quite sure it is making much of a difference but I’m hopeful that it will with time.
Karen |
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#19: by Toni on 11.05.2008 @ 01:17pm CST
My number one piece of advice is perserverance and to ensure your marriage is a stable foundation based upon God.
We've been married 7 years on Nov 10th and it's been challenging the entire time... ebbs and flows...ups and downs but by keeping Christ first in our lives it's all been managable (but it has often felt unmanageable).
We remind each other that our kids will always be our kids but in a few years it'll just be the 2 of us, so our marriage is number 1 priority and by our children seeing how we treat our marriage it'll help them to in their future... I ask them often how many of their friends or friends parents refer to God or bibilical principles multiple times a day?
I have 13 yr old girl and my husband has 12 yr old boy, 15 yr old girl, and 18 yr old girl. His ex is only happy when she is causing conflict!
What a relief it was to forgive myself for hurt feelings and negative thoughts... We can't control how others behave only how we chose to react to these new and challenging circumstances!
I agree with a lot of the previous statements... find something for you to enjoy and most importantly if possible find a Christian support group or small group for step families... by having people to talk to, you realize we are all going through similiar issues and can empathize and sympathize and get it all on the table. I'll also add that sometimes what you are going through is such small potatoes in comparsion to your fellow step parents that you can take a step back and realize things could always be worse.
Things are just as tough today as they were in the beginning, the difference is now we put it all in God's capable hands... it's not easy to not take it back and try to handle things on your own... we still stumble but God's put on our hearts to perservere! If we can do it, so can you! God Bless you and remember step parenting is one of the most challenging but often rewarding things you can do... surely there will be a special reward in Heaven! :) |
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#20: by Cynthia Kelly on 11.06.2008 @ 11:11am CST
Hello fellow stepparents & bio parents....I wanted to go home last night & get the name of this book that has helped me cope. It's called "Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People," by Elizabeth Brown. It's not directed specifically towards step families, but it is the best resource I've come across (besides Ron Deal's books) about how to live with difficult people under challenging circumstances. Elizabeth adds some humor and at the end of each chapter gives the reader "Lifelines" to hang onto. I keep this book handy at all times and refer to it often when my stepkids start acting up & acting out towards me. I hope it helps! God Bless. Keep the Faith+ Cynthia Kelly |
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#21: by Barbara on 11.06.2008 @ 06:45pm CST
My dear fellow step-mom. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you, as everyone else has said "you are not alone and please do not feel guilty about your thoughts and feelings." I was 47 when I married my husband who has two teenage daughters. I am childless by choice, very independent, have an excellent career, just got my Masters degree and came into the marriage with many assets. It has been an uphill battle for 2.5 years. I love my husband dearly but he just does not give me any support. He does not like confrontation to the point the youngest (16 year old) tells him to shut up and springs the F-boom on him. Personally I diagnosed her as Bi-polar within the first month I meet her but of course the bio-parents do not want to admit their child may have "issues." I spend the majority of my time in the master bedroom. It's a new addition to "their" house so it feels like it is the only place that is actually mine. It can be a very lonely room. What makes things worse is I'm fairly new to the area. All my friends are from work but they really cannot relate which makes life even lonelier. My advice is do things for yourself. If you used to paint, get out those brushes. If you garden (my life saver) go out and get your hands dirty. I usually plan things for myself when my husband has the girls. Journaling helps you get out those built up emotions and is part of a healing process.
My husband only knows living in a step-family. He has never lived without multiple parents, grandparents etc. Me, my parents have been married for 58 years. My husband's mother and x-wife are very close to the point the X-wife built a house 1/2 mile from my husband's mother. This past mother's day my husband's mother said to me, "Well Happy Mother's Day but I guess it's hardly a Mother's Day for you now is it." Can you just feel the love. I know God has put me here for a reason so I just keep praying for his strength and guidance. He has a plan for all of use so please hang in there and just remember, you are never ever alone. |
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#22: by Laurie on 11.11.2008 @ 07:04pm CST
You are not alone! I have the exact same feelings all the time! Today my step kids came home (ages 7 and 9) and all they talked about was their mom. It just drives me nuts! I think she is a terrible mother and I worry about their safety when they are with her. My husband and I just pray that they do not 'absorb' anything when they are with her, her boyfriend, and his two out of control kids.
I know the feeling of being insecure with respect to your husband and his ex wife. My husband's ex wife cheated on him while he was serving our country, and he wanted to make things work. She was the one who foolishly decided to destroy their family and put the kids in the situation they are in. It sometimes makes me feel second best, second choice. If he had his way three years ago, he would have wanted to keep his family whole. My husband is civil to her, sometimes letting her have her way when she shouldn't get it. But I force myself to remember that he is doing this for the well being of the kids, and he truly despises her.
As for the money, I do not know what to say. Luckily we do not pay anything - she told my husband years ago that since it is a 50/50 split and we pay all medical, dental, etc, that we do not need to give her additional money (I worry though, because this is not in writing and she could technically come back and get years of money if she wanted to). I keep a separate checking account. It doesn't have a lot of money in it, but it is in my name, and it makes me feel better, like it is money that can't be spent on the kids or our bills. If I wanted to I could go out and do something for me.
I really liked Ron's book the smart step family, and I guarantee that I will be pre-ordering Ron's book the smart step mom.
My husband and I just came back from Weekend to Remember. It was a great reminder of things we should be doing in our marriage. They even talked about God first, spouse second, kids third. I think it is good for my husband to be reminded of that.
Just keep praying and know that it will get better. And savor the good moments. Try to remember those times when you are tired and frustrated. |
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#23: by k hershberger on 11.12.2008 @ 12:16pm CST
Hi!
I've been a mom for 35 years and a stepmom for 23 years. The only thing that i would add to all that has been written is this - We members of stepfamilies have an awesome opportunity to extend God's grace and mercy through forgiveness on a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly one! And if practice makes perfect, we should be getting pretty good at it!
Then wanted to add another really good resource - Can Stepfamilies Be Done Right? by Joann and Seth Webster
This is a book written by a stepmom and son that speaks to the very issues you mentioned. Plus, Joann was not married previously or had any children, so you could really identiy with her. |
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#24: by k hershberger on 11.12.2008 @ 12:49pm CST
I'd like to respond to #5 Rae's post. My husband and i have five children between us. He had raised his two sons alone for 6 years, and i my two daughters and one son 4 years. When we married we had custody of all five children. My youngest stepson was a lot like your oldest. We spent a lot of time with counselors and a lot of energy parenting him. We also learned a lot of lessons along the way and now, after 23 years, see things a lot clearer. The first thing we know we neglected was being united as a couple and discussing issues out of earshot of the kids. We also took things way too personaly. We should have spent a whole lot more energy praying and asking God to help us hear what the kids were really saying and what each other were really saying. Most of our responses were reactive rather then proactive. After five years of constant crisis and having to fight for my rights (instead of turning to God every time - yes, it is possible- just cry out to Him)i was ready to bail and separate until the kids were all grown. Praise God He wouldn't let us! We found our answer in the youth pastor at our church that gave us an awesome discipline plan that eliminated the "his ways, her ways" game. We've also learned that we gave our son too much control in the family. By reacting emotionally to his behavior we fed it rather then stopping it. Plus, we never really heard his heart or the other kids' much. God is faithful, however, because now we are working on our relationships and God is restoring and growing us all.
Two really good pieces of advice i would like to pass on to you - date your husband weekly even if its a trip to the grocery store and coffee later. Then, take long weekends a couple times per year away from everything and just enjoy each other. Oh yes, one more - prayerfully determine God's purpose for your family together as a couple first then have a family meeting and get your children's imput. God does not put families together willy-nilly. He has plans and purposes for you guys - plans to succeed! After you've determined what that purpose is, work on longterm and shorterm goals to get there. This way you have a common ground and you're putting your energy into God's plans!
Then, just stay in God and let Him be your guide. He knows all your hearts! |
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#25: by Amy on 04.21.2009 @ 03:43pm CDT
I am a very proud mom, stepmom, and wife. I have two great stepkids - 16 & 14. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years.
When my husband and I made the decision to marry I was so scared about my new role as stepmom. I immediately insisted on a Christian counselor - I wanted this unbiased person to evaluate and work with us and give us either a thumbs up and thumbs down. That was one of the best decisions we've made. Not only did it enable us to work through some of the really tough stuff ahead of time, but we both walked into our marriage with our eyes wide open. The most important thing I did personally before getting married was to pray. I salso solicited the prayers of my mom and close friends, and began asking God to give me a love for these precious kids that would soon be "mine" that would be the same kind of love as would have for my own child. We are a testimony of answered prayer. I am honored to be in their life and take the role God has given me with them very seriously.
I wish I could say that it's all been a piece of cake, but it hasn't. Our greatest challenge has not been the children, but my husbands ex-wife. I certainly anticpated that there might be some bumps in the road as we started to blend our family, but I had no idea that 8 years later she would be more hateful than ever.
I know God calls us to pray for those who are against us. I've been doing this (not always consistently) for a number of years. God has opened my eyes. I've never been hurt for diliberately or deeply by any other human, but I understand her need for a Savior and I am praying that God puts people in her life that show her HIM. My mom reminded me one day (while I was whining and complaining about her), that God loves her AS MUCH AS he loves me - as much as he loves Billy Graham, and as much as he loves David. WOW!
God calls us to one thing - he calls us to LOVE. That means our stepkids (or our bio kids) no matter how they treat us, our spouses ex's (or our own ex's)no matter how they treat us, and anyone else in our life. That doesn't mean being a doormat, but it does mean acting as Jesus did when he walked here. Treating meanness with kindness (imagine the surprise) and praying the best for them (and really meaning it). You are not where you are by accident!!! Be a light - God will use your obedience and your love in the life of those around you. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! Love is not a feeling it is a choice - an act of your will. Choose love each day and ask God to empower you - HE WILL!!! |
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#26: by Lisa on 05.06.2009 @ 09:59am CDT
You are not alone! I have longed to hear those words too! I have been married 3 years and with my husband a total of 7 years.
I know from personal experience that it seems like things will never change. It took me sometime to realize that instead of praying for myself and just my marriage, I should have been lifting up my stepsons in prayer.
It is a very hard situation you are in...I am still there but over time I think my husband is realizing that my youngest stepson has decided that he doesn't want to be part of our family. His mother facilitates this sort of behavior too. I can also relate to the money issues and the keeping the peace with the ex too. We paid child support while the child lived with us 100% of the time for 2 years and still pay most of the expenses for both children. My husband's ex is remarried and doesn't work...oh, it is an ok thing for the rest of us to do though. She is a manipulator and people user.
And I, too, have been banished to the bedroom. Then I started encouraging my husband to spend time with his son. One night a week, I go to dinner with my friends or my parents ...and leave the 2 of them to spend time together. If it doesn't work out for them, that is something my husband and son have to deal with. I stopped taking the blame for others and put the responsibility where it belongs. Over time my husband has discovered that his youngest son is rude, self centered, and disrespectful on most occasions. (not just to me but to him too.) Now the good news is this, if you do what is right no one can say you didn't do the right thing. It is not easy believe me there are times I want to spit in my stepson's dinner but I don't. Remember that you and I got something he didn't growing up....that I was part of a family and we all live and share together in life. Be grateful someone gave you that gift. The world won't be as kind as your parents were and it is a much harder lesson to learn out there alone.
I ,now, can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep praying for your marriage, and stepchildren. Lift them up and let God do what needs to be done. Be with people who love you and find happiness in little things...somedays, I get up and walk with the dog early in the morning. It is peaceful and quiet....I find joy in watching the day unfold. |
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#27: by Kelly on 06.02.2009 @ 08:34am CDT
WOW! I am not alone, praise God!! I have been married for only 1yr and 8mths. After 8 months of marriage my husband left for a 1 yr tour in Afghanistan. He has an 8 yr old son, I have a 11 yr old son and one week before he left for overseas we found out I was pregnant. This was very unexpected!! To make a long story short, my husband and I became extremely close to each other and even closer to the Lord while he was gone. His family abandoned me while he was gone and my family is 3 hours away. i had no one to turn to except God and my husband. when he came home unexpectedly for the birth of our son he ended up staying home. I was grateful, however, after not having anyone here and then having a newborn, husband and stepson in the house, things got crazy. My son choose to stay with his dad because of school, so I only get to see him every other weekend, the stepson is with us every other week. As I have read in other posts he is a completely different child when his father is not present. Work also takes dad away alot. Summer is here and things are just compounding. I think I am suffering from post pardom, pms, sleep deprivation and stepparent syndrome, Before the baby my husband and I did every thing together, work, play, talk......everything. He is all I have here. Now I can't go out and work with a newborn and I feel left behind, unappreciated and used. My stepson has seemed to fill the gap I have failed in. I did ask my husband not to have his son here if he wasn't going to be here because we were seeing some serious issues arise, I also have feelings of resentment because i have been expected to parent a child that is not mine and not allowed to parent my own. My heart breaks for my son everyday. Then i am faced with a ungrateful, hateful and just different child that i don't like. God has allowed me to have these feelings and thankfully my husband is a Great and Godly man, we have a relationship that allows me to be honest with him and he with me. However i know it hurts him to know that his son is a burden to me. I am overwhelmed w this baby and not doing so great at being a good wife, stepmom or bio mom. I keep telling myself 10 years and we will feel some relief.
This post has been the first time i have felt safe enough to share my feelings "outloud". Thanks RD for creating a place where us stepparents can get encouragement and hear other "horror" stories and not feel alone..............One tired moma |
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#28: by Lori on 04.14.2010 @ 02:49pm CDT
I am SO happy to find this website. I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years, he has 3 children fromhis previous marriage, ages 21,19 & 17. the two oldest are girls who are away at college and the youngest, a boy who lives with his bio-mother and spends most weekends with us and wednesdays nights with my husband doing guy stuff, which I highly suggested that my husband do with his son. My problem is that my husband never says NO to anyone but me. No matter what our plans or what we are doing, when one of the kids or his mother calls, he drops everything and runs to their beckin call. I struggle with having alot of anger and resenment and feel very guilty for my feelings. I pray and read everything I can get my hands on. I recently read in an article about second wives and step-mothers that if your husband never says no, your relationship will be full of heartache. I am finding this to be very true for me. I have never felt so alone and angry in my life. If I try to talk to my husband about a situation and how we can try to figure it out he says he doesn't want to talk about it. He accuses me of being "crazy" for having the feelings I have. I am wondering if staying in this marriage is really worth it. I don't want to divorce but just don't know what to do...My husband is a very successful CEO of a great company and I am very proud of him in his accomplishments, I just have a hard time unnderstanding why he chooses to sweep our problems under the rug and put all the blame on me. We went to counseling when we were first married (for about 3 months) it was definitly helping, but when the counselor suggested some challenges for my husband he said he didn't think he needs counseling anymore, we can work this out on our own. NOT WORKING FOR US! Anyway, I'm glad I'm not alone in my feelings. |
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#29: by Ron Deal on 04.14.2010 @ 03:46pm CDT
Lori--
You are not alone--and you aren't crazy. We're glad you found us. By the way, your husband isn't crazy either, he just doesn't understand your point of view (a gap that many parents and stepparents share). May I suggest you get a copy of The Smart Stepmom; it addresses this very situation. If things continue to gridlock, counseling is recommended. But since you have already tried that, perhaps an intensive would be worth considering. Click the "Personal Help" link to learn more.
Blessings...and welcome. |
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#30: by Advice Please! on 07.01.2010 @ 10:32pm CDT
My situation is a little more complex. My hushand and I have been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old daughter. The challenge...he was married before for about two years to a girl from college. He married out of guilt as she was pregnant. It was later discovered that he wasn't the biological father of this child, however, he divorced the woman and still kept all duties of a father (financially, etc.) He states that he formed a bond with the child and couldn't let go.((The child does NOT know that my spouse is NOT his biological father.)) This child comes to visit during the summer and holidays and I find myself dreading these visits. When he comes to visit he is always so clingy to my spouse and daughter and treats me like I'm the guest. This makes me resent him and the situation even more. I also feel as if my child will lack in life b/c of the financial support from my spouse to this child. I am a Christian and feel awful for having these feelings. I do and have prayed about this issue. I am always fine until it's time for a visit b/c we are living a big LIE. Someone please give me some advice and/or words of encouragement. |
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