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Bedroom Dilemmas for Your Kid and Mine |
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Smart Question:
My question relates to bedroom situations. The topic came up between my husband and I over the weekend and we can't seem to resolve it. The problem is this--my husband and I have a son (10 mos. old) and my husband has a 7 year old son from another relationship. My step-son stays with us every other weekend and about every other holiday. I spent a large portion of my summer last year (2003) designing/decorating a medium sized bedroom in our home for my step-son. This included painting, putting up border (he's into Spiderman) and stickers, bedspread, curtains, the whole 9 yds. We bought a new bed for him and made a big deal out of him having his own room (since before my husband and I were married he just stayed in my husband's room). My husband mentioned to me the other day that when our son is big enough for a "big boy bed" that he should take my step-son's room and that I should redecorate that larger bedroom in the house for my step-son since he is the oldest. I said that I thought his request was ridiculous. Age doesn't have anything to do with which room goes to whom. We made a big deal out of new bedroom last year and I don't think we should do it again one year from now. I also do not think that it's fair that a child who is only here for 2 nights out of 14 should have the largest bedroom. He does not have the same amount of "stuff"- clothes, shoes, coats, toys, etc. My husband thinks I'm putting his son in a position where he won't feel like part of our family and I think my husband is acting totally immature and unreasonable. I'm a stay-at-home mom and we DO NOT have the money to redecorate another room-especially for a child that already had that special priviledge only one year ago! I personally do not think my step-son would want to move rooms anyway so again, we're probably making a mountain out of a molehill. But I honestly cannot get my husband so see that it would not be fair to move a child into the largest room in the house just because he's older when he is here so infrequently. Am I wrong in saying that? Does the oldest child automatically deserve the larger room no matter what? I know this is so petty and I truly apologize for taking your time to respond to something so trivial. My husband and I just need a suggestion/advice from a neutral party. Thank you so much for your time and your patience. Your words have given our family a great deal of help.
Smart Answer:
Something tells me this isn't about bedrooms. I suspect it's in part about belonging.
Now it could be that your husband grew up with a household rule that said "older kids get the bigger room," or perhaps he got short-changed when he was a kid and doesn't want it to happen to his son, but in the end, it may be a much more important matter. It could be that he wants to make a statement to his son about belonging--even when he's not physically present. If that's the case, what does your resistance say to him? Despite the effort you put in last summer, he might perceive it as giving priority to your son. I could be way off on this, but it's worth checking out.
By the way, it's obvious that you don't like his rule that says, "older kids get the bigger room," but what's with your rule that says, "the child who is most physically present gets the bigger room"? What is your fear here? Why not give the older kid the bigger room?
As you can see from my questions, there is no right answer here. But in the end what matters most is what the dilemma means to each of you. Explore further within yourself what this means to you; listen deeper to what it means to him. Then you'll make a much better decision.
RLD |
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