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Why is my child "hot and cold" toward my girlfriend? |
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Question:
I am needing advice/help with my 9 year old daughter and her coping with my divorce with her mother and with my new relationship. The new relationship I have is great for me and my 7 year old son is adjusting well, just as are her children. However my 9 year old is playing both sides of the fence. She tells me she likes the new person I am involved with however tells her mom she does not like her. This is very troublesome for the new women in my life. She gives my kids alot of space to be with me and does not pressure them to like her. In no way does she attempt to be a parent but tries to just be a friend. Look forward to hearing from you.
Answer:
Your daughter's "hot/cold" responses are typical and generally are not manipulative (it's very important that you understand this), although they can become so later in adolescence. For now, your daughter is confused; I'm sure she genuinely feels both interest in your new friend and a deep love for her mother. Add the fact that children tend to take care of the parent they are with by sharing the side of them that that parent wants to see (i.e., you want to see that she likes your girlfriend so she displays that side; your ex-wife wants to see that she doesn't like your girlfriend, so your daughter lets her see that part of her), and you've got a confusing kid on your hands. You can't blame her for being confused in her responses.
Don't get angry with her for this, and don't ask her to stick up for your girlfriend to her mother (it won't happen and it tears your daughter apart). You and your girlfriend need to "get on thick skin" and go on. Don't take "cold" responses so personally (it's not about your girlfriend anyway). Remember, you and your ex put your daughter in this situation, don't take it out on her.
Here's what you can do, communicate that you understand how tough it must be to be in the middle, tell her it's okay to be confused about who she cares for and how much. Then, let her know that what you expect is for her to treat your girlfriend as she would "any other adult," i.e., with respect and consideration. To like or love your girlfriend is her choice to be made in the future, at her timing. |
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