Should I Wait to Remarry Until the Kids Are Gone?

Question:

Dear Mr. Deal--
 
Your website has been very helpful.  I am divorced with 2 kids, ages 12 and 10, and have not been able to find much info which answers my question:  Would it be BETTER to wait to get remarried until after my kids are moved out / in college / over 18?  Are the divorce statistics better for remarriages where the partners have waited for the kids to grow up?  Will we avoid a lot of problems because the 'kids' will actually be young adults and hopefully able to cope better than they would have if we remarried when they were children?  Will the 'kids' be spared a lot of turmoil, and will our marriage stand a better chance of being a happy one if we wait?  One of my kids was born with special needs & has worked very hard and overcome so much, the last thing I'd ever want to do is to voluntarily put him through unnecessary hardship that compromises his continued progress. 

For someone in my position, a custodial mom with a good job and no financial problems, a friendly & cooperative ex-husband who is a good co-parent, 2 kids about to enter adolescence, and a single-parent home that is generally working mostly OK, from what I've read on your website and others, it looks as if I would actually make my & my kids' lives MUCH WORSE by remarrying.  I should add that my boyfriend (non-custodial) is a terrific guy who gets along great with my kids, however, the situation between us & his kids is pretty awful with all the typical problems that are expected in this situation.  (I gave up with them after 1 ½ years and have only seen him when he's not with his children for the last 3 ½ years.)

We are both Catholic & active in our church, but there is no one experienced  there to talk to about this problem.  If you could find the time to answer me, I'd really be grateful for your feedback.  I realize you cannot speak to my specific situation; however I would appreciate any generalities you could make to the issue of WAITING UNTIL KIDS ARE GROWN BEFORE GETTING REMARRIED, vs. not waiting.  

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Single Parent—

I so appreciate your question.  To be honest, most adults don't have the maturity or the foresight to even consider what you are asking.  You are already ahead of the game. 

First let me say that as you mentioned I cannot give you specific advice; I can only speak in generalities.  You'll have to make the tough choice. 

Yes, I do believe that it is a good option to consider waiting to marry until after your kids (and potential stepkids) are out of the home.  I certainly believe we should give single parents permission to stay single given the level of stress and adjustment necessary to grow a healthy stepfamily.  It is certainly easier on them—and you—if you focus on raising them instead of integrating them into a new marriage. 

I should also add that your children are at an age that will complicate even further stepfamily adjustments.  Mavis Heatherington's research found the most difficult time to begin a stepfamily is when the children are ages 10-15 because it conflicts with their budding adolescent development.  This doesn't mean it can't be done; it just means it's tougher than usual.

So, from your child's standpoint, life is easier with a single parent than trying to integrate into a stepfamily (especially when there's already conflict between you and your boyfriend's children—not a good sign).

Now that I've said that, let me also say there are some significant down-sides for you personally to put off marriage.  First, you and your boyfriend must keep your dating relationship boundaries at a "dating" level, rather than moving toward deeper levels of intimacy, as occurs in serious courtships and marriage.  Specifically you have to manage your sexual boundaries well so as to honor one another and God's command that you abstain from sexual relations until marriage.  This can be very difficult for two adults who care about one another deeply and have enjoyed sexuality in the past.  You must be proactive in managing your sexual boundaries if you are not going to move toward marriage. 

Secondly, making a commitment not to marry "till the kids are gone" requires two equally agreeable adults.  If only one of you sees the benefits of waiting, the other may end the dating relationship and move on.  However, I am a firm believer that if your boyfriend, for example, doesn't want to wait, you should stand your ground and not lose your nerve just because he is drifting away from you.  Giving in just to "save the relationship" fosters a dependency that is not healthy for any relationship.  If he won't wait, let him go.

Finally let me clearly say this, I believe growing a healthy stepfamily is possible.  But don't be naive—it is a long-term commitment, and the benefits for children only come in the long haul.  I would never tell someone not to marry.  But if you do, make sure you go into it with both eyes open.

May God give you His wisdom in this decision.