My finance has been married twice before. I have had one previous marriage. He has a 13-year-old daughter, I have an almost 12-year old. He and I get along fine when we're by ourselves. My daughter and his daughter get along OK. I get along fine with his daughter, when we are alone. The problem lies when we are all together. Or when He and his daughter and my daughter are together. In his eyes, his daughter is already an adult who can do no wrong. My daughter, in his estimation is very close to being Beelzebub. I exaggerate for humorous effect, but he is always thinking the worst about her. He almost worships his daughter. I try to point out the glaring unfairness. He says I am jealous of her because I remind her subconsciously of someone in junior high that I hated because she was pretty, popular and athletic (huh?). He withheld my daughter's Christmas presents last year. My daughter was raking leaves in his yard. He saw her thru the window, picking something up. When she came in (30 minutes later) he asked her if she had found something. She said, "No, why do you ask?" He then laid into her, saying he had seen her pick a toy out of the yard, and that she should stop lying. He then withheld her presents that year. Craziness. He is a very logical, reasonable man most of the time. But where his daughter and my daughter are concerned, he is just flat out illogical. We are going to counseling soon. How do I help him to see how crazy this is? He has such an unrealistic view of his daughter...and of mine!
Continue to share what appears to be unequal consideration with your daughter. If he doesn't listen or doesn't change--and this is very important--seriously reconsider marriage. If he is cold, hard, and passive-aggressive now (e.g., not giving gifts at Christmas), it won't improve when you marry. He may be a potentially good husband, but if he cannot also be a good stepfather, you will have many regrets in the future. Proceed with caution. RLD
