Adriana, from California (submitted Sept. 2004)

Name: Adriana
Home state or country: California

This website has been such an encouragement--finally some peace of mind! My husband and I were married a year after we met. We started out as friends and over time, we fell in love.  I remember praying for my faceless husband, I specifically remember asking God to send me a man who loves children, is gently and kind and he did.  My husband has 2 beautiful children from a previous marrige. This is my first (and last) marrige and I had no idea what I was headed for.  Emotionally, so many things went through me-- jealousy (of the ex), resentment that I didn't have him or this experience first (since I had been told I was 2nd and will never be 1st), doubt that he was over her, frustration that my life had to conform to "their" legal decisions (not being able to move out of state), etc... A couple of times, his ex-wife made things difficult for me by asking him over for dinner while we were dating (he declined), seemingly prolonged phone conversations, telling him she missed him, etc.  My husband was open and honest with me as to where he was with God and with his ex.  After she filed, he knew it couldn't be the same and believed that God would heal him from this.  Over time, and throught much pain, he was able to let go and love her in a Godly way. This was very difficult for me to understand because it hurt to hear him say he "will always love her", but if we understood God's commandments, we would also learn that we are responsible/commanded to love the "ex's, too. He had peace; I did not which is why he was able to do so.

Coming from a broken home (where both parents commited adultry) I was highly suspicious and damaged comming into this.My husband knew this and loved me anyway. He was patient through all of my fits and always made sure he made the best decisions with regards to his interactions with his ex not just for me, but for himself and to protect our marrige. Ultimately, I've learned (and am still learning) that you cannot control what the other person does, all you can do is trust and pray. You also cannot worry, this leads to excessive, destructive thinking if you allow it to manifest.

Communication is the key here, do not be manipulative, be honest and sincere with your feelings and allow God to heal and do the rest. If you give authority to fearful thought, then your allowing them to happen. Pray for your heart towards the ex, don't bring childhood or past realationship issues into this marrige, you both deserve a fresh start.  The enemy will rob you of all he can if you let him, don't quit.  Remember the bible teachs that we can do all things through Christ, this means overcomming jealousy, anger, bitterness, from past or present situations.  Remember you have not been designed to fail, but to succseed ("delight in my ways and I will give you the desires of your heart, Ps 37:4).  Love heals all wounds.