Elizabeth, from Nevada (submitted July, 2004)

Name: elisabeth
Home state or country: nevada

My husband and I recently married after a 6 month courtship.  It was only through much prayer and discussion that I decided to take the risk of marrying into his divorced family.

I have been a widow for 5 years. My late husband could not have children and he did not want to adopt. I suffered greatly for years during the infertility in our otherwise great God-centered marriage; and especially after he died, the lonliness and strong sense that God wanted more from me in reaching my full potential. This has led me to act on the love I have had growing for my new husband.

I felt it has been my destiny to be a co-parent. So, after prayer, fellowship and  beginning to know my husband's chldrn. I felt led to become part of "the family".

The process has been traumatic so far. As nice and excited as I am to include his 14 year-old daughter and lavish her with love, attention, and material fun, the "blending process" is painful. The volitile language she yells at her father is really hard to hear, and we have set some boundaries while she is in our abode (we live in my home in the forest).

She has little to no boundaries @ her mom's home where she lives. Her mom lives much of the time in her boyfriend's RV.

The house rules are to respect her Father, not yelling profanities and throwing things/slamming doors.

We have asked that instead of demanding to be taken home when she gets upset (3 hours away) to discuss it with her dad; let out the obvious anger she has to benefit her and us all around.  I think that her heart is struggling to stay soft or harden; and that all she appears to be hearing from us is, "BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!"

What was I thinking??? I had Julie Andrews' Sound of Music visions. I've been a fun loving Auntie to my own nieces and nephews and my friends children and have never been the target to hurt like this one is seemingly out to do.

Having minored in psychology I realize that this young girl is acting out of a lot of fears; fears that I will leave too, so better shove her out NOW to avoid further loss like all the others in her troubled parents lives. We ARE bonding, and I know it takes time. My natural rection is to cool things way down and use some behavioral techniques before we allow her to ERUPT here again.

I am advocating that they recieve counseling (solid christian mediation). I also have asked my husband for now, to spend time alone with the daughter on weekends. I need to see her wanting to change the anger issues.

       I welcome any feedback.

Elizabeth, life certainly isn't a fairy tale.  That's for sure.  Your patience and ability to detach from her anger is a great asset at this point.  Despite your personal disappointments you are looking for ways to calm the situation; that is commendable.  The compartmentalized time with her father is probably a good idea right now.  Be sure you family together-time is spent doing things that are easily agreeable to everyone.  Counseling is also a good idea.  Having someone to guide the integration process is important.  Above all, trust God and keep stepping!  RLD