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Dee, NW USA |
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Name: Dee
Home state or country: NW USA
I have a question and if anyone has any suggestions for me I am open to hear them.
My husband and I have been married for 28 years. Our combined families consist of 7 grown children (4 mine/3 his) and 10 grandchildren (8 his/2 mine). We have all gotten along well over the years. Love them all!!
I have never considered anyone, especially the family...be it children, stepchildren, their spouses, grandchildren, spouses family members to be an outsider. To be impolite and disrepectful and not accept all into our life certainly is not Christ-like.
My current problem is with a stepdaughter-in-law who is 48 years old. For 29 years years, she has referred to both of us in the 3rd person when we are right there and to this day does not know how to introduce me or even us together. If we are standing with her and she speaks to someone, she totally ignores introducing us. The most current was, "Uhhh....this is Ted's (her husband/my stepson) dad's wife." I have always accepted her as my daughter-in-law and introduce her as "our daughter-in-law" Ted (50), my stepson introduces me as his stepmother. ~
I have turned this over to God.
I would just like to know if anyone out there has had a similar situation that they have been able to resolve. Your suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Dee, many others have dealt with this same situation. It is discouraging to be treated this way; here are a few suggestions, some of which you may have already tried, on how to respond.
- While an indirect approach is usually more comfortable with most people (e.g., talking to your stepson and getting him to speak to her), the direct approach is always better. After 28 years of marriage, you certainly have earned the right to speak to her directly about this. Keep in mind that she is obviously uncomfortable with something about your relationship. It is awkward for her for some reason. Be open to that.
- If you've never had this conversation with her before, I suggest you approach it this way: Don't make a big deal about how you "set it up." Sometimes people call someone to say, "I'd like to take you out to dinner. I have something to discuss with you." This turns it into a major conversation filled with anticipatory anxiety. Better to approach her in a matter of fact manner, as if it's no big deal, and say, "Hey, I noticed you had a difficult time introducing me the other day. I realize that introducing extended stepfamily members can be awkward sometimes. I certainly have felt that in the past. Perhaps we can work something out that is acceptable to both of us. Are you interested in that?" [ Pause for response. ] "Would 'stepmother-in-law' or [give another option] be acceptable to you?" [ Pause for response. ] "Perhaps you have some specific feelings about all this that I should know about. Feel free to share them with me so we can find a mutually agreeable solution here."
- Make it your goal to lead the conversation, but not put her on the defensive. Be open to what she feels that you are unaware of. At the same time, being "matter-of-fact" about the topic reduces defensiveness and anxiety.
Blessings, RLD
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