Carmen, from Missouri (submitted July, 2004)

Name: Carmen
Home state or country: Missouri

I am married to a man several years younger then me and we both have children from a previous relationship and marriage. My ex-husband and current husband do not get along and for almost a year I was unable to see my youngest son who lives with my ex because of the feelings and resentments my husband has towards my ex, along with the fact that my ex removed our son from our home because of his feelings. Thank God, things have changed in that area, for now the door to my son has been opened, but I feel very protective of my son and want to guard him against any negative attitudes to the point of telling my husband that he favors his son from his previous relationship. She and I do not get along either and she tries to turn their son against me. He is a loveable little boy and he considers me his mom, but my husband and I both share feelings of resentment towards our "own" kids mainly because of who their biological parents are, coupled with the fact that I had my tubes tied before our marriage and we cannot have a child of our own. We sometimes get jealous and/or bitter over this fact and feel resentment towards each other because of our pasts. At times these feelings disable me from liking or wanting to be around his son who lives with us, and I cannot understand his lack of sensativity to my wanting to spend as much time as I can with my son who I hardly see. This is a mess isn't it! I am forced into mothering a child everyday that is not mine when I find myself wishing he didn't even have his son or wishing it was my son I was with instead.  I hate the fact that his son's mother has given him something that I cannot and he hates the fact that I chose to tie my tubes and now, I cannot give him something that I gave to my ex... a child!! These issues are not a daily or even monthly problem for us, but when they surface they leave a trail of hurt and pain beyond belief.