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Bio Parent Cutting Off the Stepparent |
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| Question: I married a widower who has a daughter. Her mother died when she was only 1 1/2 years old. I married her father when she was 2 1/2. The problems started right away. We were not told that I needed to build a relationship with her before I started disciplining her. I was her primary care giver from the start. We have been married 7 years, and my relationship with my stepdaughter is not any better. My husband always jumps in between us and defends her.
We have identified the problem: He can not let go of her. He does not see how I could love her since I did not give birth to her. We have a 4-year old together. I have been able to see my mistakes with my daughter through my relationship with my son.
I have your book and I have read it. My question is how do you blend a family when there really is no blending involved. I came into their unit and then brought a new baby. Our son and my stepdaughter love each other. But my stepdaughter gets mad and will say stuff like: "I hate my family" or "I wish I was an only child" or "I wish I was an orphan." I know these are things all kids say to lash out at parents but it hurts.
Please advise. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely stressed out.
Answer: Of course, with limited information I can't speak directly to all the specifics of your situation. However, in most situations, you stepping in as the primary care-giver when the child is only 2.5 years old is not a problem. The more obvious problem in my mind is that your husband continues to step between you, sabotaging his daughter's ability to grow in respect for you. No respect, no relationship.
The good news is this, this is not hopeless. If your husband will begin to "let go" and grant you status with his daughter, eventually things will improve. However, let me advise you that things between you and your stepdaughter will worsen initially (they always do when parents make significant shifts toward putting the marriage and stepparent in a position of respect). But eventually she will gain respect for you, but only if he supports you and insists that she treat you accordingly. The hardest part here is getting your husband to see what a crucial role he plays. He might also need to deal with many fears such as letting go of his daughter, letting you in only to have you "go away" as his first wife did, etc.
Together, print this article and read it. Then discuss how to move forward.
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