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Boundary Setting with an Ex-Spouse |
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Question: Mr. Deal, my name is S. I got married to my wife who had a baby out of wed lock. The child is 5. I' ve been in her life fulltime since she was 12 months old. I' ve been married 4 yrs. We are both believers in Jesus Christ as well.
My problem is with the bio-father. In the past he has come in my home and laid across my couch and floor and has gone into bed rooms without asking.
I have spoken to him kindly and set boundaries in my home about the length of staying and doing whatever he chooses. He agreed, then later continues staying from 10-20 minutes, wandering into rooms, etc.
What can I do? I told my wife to just start meeting him outside to give her daughter to him for visitation. In addition, he is always late 30-40 minutes bringing her home, even after we have asked that he bring her home at a certain time.
Answer: I appreciate you setting boundaries with him in a respectful manner. Keep it up, but you--and your wife--might need to get a little more proactive now that he's shown an unwillingness to respect your boundaries.
For example, make the visitation exchange outside your house. It is very understandable for you and your wife to not allow him inside at this point. Next time make it clear: "Joe, please wait right here while I get Susie ready. Please do not come in the house." [close the door and walk away to get Susie]. If he insists, you might add, "I know we allowed you inside before, but we've changed our mind about that. This is what we prefer." Don't apologize for your boundary, but don't be arrogant or rude with it either. Also, don't go in his house when it's your turn to pick up. Model what you expect from him.
When he brings her home late say this outside the hearing of the child: "Joe, we try to respect your time with Susie. I can understand being late every once in a while, but you are consistently late and it cuts into our time. I would appreciate you not doing that. Please be here at 5:00. Thank you for doing this for Susie."
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