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An Update from Shanna, from Arkansas (submitted January, 2004) |
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Name: Shanna and Les Berry
Home state or country: Arkansas
Almost two years into stepparenting...and the good news is that we're thriving! The first year was a jumble of newness....new partner, new parents, new siblings, new house, new job....breathtaking on a good day, flat scary on a difficult one. One of the nicer parts of being a new stepmom was realizing that it was just my job to love the older children. Yes, there was laundry, limits, relationships, broken hearts to deal with, but once I realized that the primary reason I was needed was to love them, it all became easier. My ego needs to be "supermom" or at least "sometimes okay" mom sometimes interrupted my focus...people can be so cruel to new families. I had asked for help from older friends at church who had stepchildren, the response was along the line of "how many years do you have until they are gone?" which was unacceptable to me. I was/am determined to be more than "my dad's wife" to my children. After hearing so many hard-hearted experiences from stepmom's....I decided that my first goal was just to love them unconditionally....outside liking or disliking their habits, behaviors, or messy gym bags....but to take time to learn who they were. (After all, they have a history of pain that somewhat reflects my own journey of broken dreams when their dad and mom divorced.)
As I let go of more and more concepts of what I thought we would be as a family and spent more energy in accepting what was important to all of our healths as a family, I found routines and many many conversations are what allowed us to make the transition from two families living under a roof to one extended family of stepsiblings. You really have to have some understanding of birth order issues and you really shouldn't underestimate the need for time for the new couple either....but low and behold almost two years later our children are emotionally happy again, healthier about handling their past pains and they even claim us as their "parent or stepmom" in public (a feat for any 14 and 18 year old) and the two younger ones no longer distinguish, we're all four "my parents."
Despite the grim odds of succeeding, with Ron's help in educating us of the benefits of slow cooking--our new recipe for family--we have found that God has indeed blessed us with a happy family. Ultimately you do have to go beyond to accomodate the other parents because it matters to your children and stepchildren. Ultimately when you can find that ability within yourself, you learn that the hurt the exspouse has can be seperated from the relationship you do have with your new spouse. You learn that seperating the present from the past will benefit the children as you learn to ski the slopes of parenting from two or more household locations together. I never dreamed my husband and my children's father would find a peaceful existence at ballgames. I never imagined that the children's father's girlfriend would become someone I send birthday cards to. But it seems in the world of forgiveness, the past is better treated like a hot potato...just drop it and go on to the next main course! (Which in our case is a very decided decision to do what is healthiest for all of our chidlren and get along with each other.)
You can do this, God can help you do this...and Ron's workshop and books are a good place to start.
Read Shanna's first entry.
Thanks for the update Shanna. It's good to see how the crock-pot does bring ingredients together with time. RLD |
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